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For his part, Matt took it in stride, letting me tire myself out before he went back on the offensive and landed me on my ass with one well-placed right hook. One second I was facing him in the ring, and the next I was flat on my back on the mats, blinking up at the ceiling while my ears rang and my jaw ached.
To say I was surprised was an understatement. In all the years I’d known him, Matt had never beaten me before. Fought me to a draw, yes, but not put me down like that. He held a hand down to me and helped me up, steadying me on my feet.
He shook his head, then spit out his mouth guard to say, “Dude, you’re off your game if you’re letting me win. Best get your head out of your ass and go home and fix things before it’s too late.”
I stood there alone while he ducked out of the ring and headed for the locker room.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I did need to go back to Harpers Ferry and deal with the mess I’d helped create there with Charlotte and Savannah. Maybe it was time to face it once and for all.
What really knocked me back a step, though, was the fact that I’d put the thoughts “home” and Harpers Ferry together.
TWENTY-FIVE
My house was too quiet without Gabe.
Which was really stupid, because up until just a few weeks ago, I’d been perfectly fine being here by myself. Now, though, I felt bored and restless, and I didn’t like it one bit. Mainly because no matter what I tried to do to distract myself, my thoughts kept circling back to Gabe and the awful fight we’d had.
I got up and paced my living room, scanning for any dust balls I might have missed. Sleeping had been a problem too, my bed feeling too large and too cold without him beside me. It scared the living shit out of me, to be honest.
What I should be doing was working on the plans to rebuild the tavern, but I was too damned upset about the fight with Gabe. Instead I was cleaning. Using my hands relaxed me. But, of course, the tavern wasn’t an option now, so I was dusting and vacuuming my already spotless house.
I took a deep breath and glanced over to where Savannah was playing happily in the corner. Maybe we needed to get out for a bit. Except it was chilly and rainy, so somewhere indoors.
Which pretty much meant my mom’s.
With a sigh, I walked down the hall to change out of my sweats into jeans and a cute top. Man, I was really hard up if I was willingly going to spend time in my mother’s day care. I snorted and went into the bathroom to tidy my hair. I mean, it wasn’t like Mom and I hated each other. Things between us were just a bit… strained sometimes. Mostly because she’d always kept pushing me to do more, be more than a bar owner in a small town—while I’d been perfectly happy being and doing just that.
The pushing had started back in high school, when I’d made decent grades and gotten a scholarship to the local community college. The pushing had gotten worse when I’d graduated with my bachelor’s degree in business and decided to take out a small business loan and buy the tavern where I’d bartended to supplement my income through school.
She’d wanted me to move to DC, maybe get a government job or work for a politician, but that wasn’t for me. I loved my small-town life and my small-town tavern. Loved seeing all the familiar faces, hearing about their lives.
At the thought of the bar and what I’d lost when it had burned, my breath caught and my knees felt wobbly. I gripped the edge of the vanity and stared at my reflection. I wished things were different. That the bar hadn’t burned. That Gabe and I hadn’t fought. That our future together hadn’t gone off a cliff.
Shit.
I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. Wishing things were different didn’t help. Life was as it was, and the sooner I accepted it and moved on, the better. That was the pragmatist in me talking. Unfortunately, my hopeless romantic side was still a quivering, blubbering mess and kept throwing up images of Gabe and me together in my head. The way he smiled, the sound of his laughter, the feel of his arms holding me tight, making me feel safe, making me feel invincible.
No. Enough.
Savannah squeaked in her playpen, and I forced myself to straighten, to square my shoulders and walk out of the bathroom and down the hall, head high. This was ridiculous. I wasn’t the kind of person who needed a relationship to make me whole. Hell, until Gabe showed up, I’d never even thought about getting married and having a family someday. I didn’t like to be tied down.
I picked up Savannah, and she threw her chubby little arms around my neck and nuzzled her face into my skin, and my chest constricted so hard and so fast I thought my heart might stop. She was so sweet, so precious, and now I couldn’t imagine a future without her.
Except that’s exactly what I’d need to do, because Gabe was leaving, and Savannah was his daughter.
Oh God.
With the baby squirming in my arms, I tried to tamp down the growing anxiety and anguish inside me and focus on getting to my mom’s. It would be better there. Noisier. She usually had at least three or four kids she was watching, and damn, I could use the distraction of that. So I fastened Savannah into her carrier and got our things together, then locked up the house and headed out to my car.
I’d forgotten to call Mom and tell her I was coming, but hey. That’s what family was for, right? Besides, I didn’t think she’d mind an extra set of hands to help her with the kids.
As it turned out, Mom had three other babies that day in addition to a couple of toddlers, so she was glad to see me. The toddlers were playing in the living room, with the babies in playpens or bassinets along the walls. I got Savannah set up in her walker near the toddlers and gave her some toys, then went into the kitchen, where my mom was getting me coffee. “What else do you need help with?”
Mom glanced at me over her shoulder. “I’m not sure yet. Let me think. I’m not used to having help during the day.”
“Hmm.” I took my mug, holding the warm porcelain between my chilled palms, and rested on a stool at the kitchen island overlooking the living room. Savannah was gurgling and banging her toys around, having a grand old time with her new toddler friends. For the first time in what felt like forever, I smiled. This was good, coming here. I wanted to be busy. Needed to be busy to keep my ghosts at bay. I sipped my coffee, then swiveled to face my mom, who was futzing with snacks at the counter. “Well, I’m yours for as long as you want me today, so…”
“Really?” Mom looked up from the Goldfish crackers she was dividing into piles. “Nothing on your agenda today? What about Gabe?”
