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Then he’d asked me to wait for him, but really. We were both young, with our whole lives in front of us. Waiting, expecting a high school relationship to last through that kind of separation, would have been foolish. I wasn’t a person who waited around for someone to come back to me. Period. End of story. At least, that’s what I’d always thought.
“Look, honey,” Mom continued, “I’m just afraid that if you keep letting yourself get held back by fear, you’re going to miss out on so much.” She sighed. “I don’t want you to end up like me, stuck in this little town, wishing for what might have been. I’m not saying Harpers Ferry isn’t a great place, if that’s what you want. But you should consider it carefully. When I met your father, I didn’t do that. I was young and naïve. He was charming and worldly and basically swept me off my feet. Rather than thinking about the long term, I acted impulsively with him. I’m not saying I regret having you. Not at all. In fact, the opposite is true. I never knew how much I wanted a daughter, how much I wanted you, until I had you. You gave my life meaning, purpose. You gave me a future.” She took a deep breath. “Maybe the tavern is your big dream. Maybe Gabe is the guy for you. I’m just hoping you take the time you need to make the right choice for you and your life. Please don’t let the past or some guy with charm and charisma convince you to do something you don’t want to do.”
“What if I don’t know what I want to do?” I asked.
“I think you do. Deep down. You just have to have the courage to make the choice and commit.”
Commit. There was that fucking word again. God, I was so tired of hearing about commitment.
Frustrated, I turned away. Anger bubbled inside me, searing my veins. I was angry at being called out like that by my mom. Angry at my life falling apart in front of my eyes. Angry at being stuck in exactly the same spot again, having to choose between love and life.
Why couldn’t I ever have both? But mostly, I was angry at myself. For not being stronger, for needing Gabe more than I needed my next breath, for fucking everything up like I always did because my fucking father abandoned me.
But I couldn’t say or deal with any of that right now. It was too much. So I bailed.
“I need to go,” I said, packing up Savannah and taking her home before my mom could say anything else and make me feel even worse about my crappy life choices.
TWENTY-SIX
There I was, back at the train station, trying to sort out my fucking feelings.
Loser.
The ring of Matt’s voice in my head made me snort as I stared at the departures board above me. At least this time I wasn’t quite so conflicted about going back to Harpers Ferry. That didn’t stop me from pacing, though. I’d picked up that habit from Charlotte. One of many things I’d gotten from her that I’d carry with me forever.
Truth was, I’d been thinking about my conversation with Matt earlier. He’d given me a lot to think about, and I was just now starting to process it.
Like my career. Did I really want to lose Charlotte over being a SEAL? If you’d asked me three months ago, I’d have said yes. No-brainer: I’d rather have my career than a relationship. But now things were different. And what about Savannah? What kind of parent would I be, running off on active duty all the time? Would I be a real father to her, or just someone who drifted in and out of her life? We got sent into some of the most dangerous situations in the world. What if I didn’t make it home? Then Savannah would’ve lost both of her biological parents. I hadn’t spent a lot of time talking to the guys on my team about how they handled that situation, but I should. I needed to now. Things had changed.
I sighed. It was stupid to deny it, to pretend I could just go back to my old life when it no longer fit. Not the way it had, anyway.
Shit.
Then there were my feelings about it all. As I’d told Charlotte, I’d joined the Navy at eighteen. Worked my way through training and become a SEAL. They gave me a new purpose, a new way to be. I’d never questioned it—in fact, I’d embraced it. Until now. But if I gave up that persona, who was I? What would I be then? Just another veteran searching for meaning in a civilian world? The thought made me shudder. No. I knew myself well enough to know I needed a purpose, a reason to get out of bed every day. The SEALs gave me that. But maybe there were other ways to find that too, ways I hadn’t considered or explored yet.
There was also a sense of honor that came with serving my country. In some ways, it had felt like a tribute to my family, even. But now… well, perhaps now it was time to find a new way to honor their memories. And what better way than to be happy? Happy with Charlotte and Savannah and the very real possibility that I could start a new family of my own. If I hadn’t blown it already.
God, what a mess.
I scrubbed my hand over my face and stared up at the arrivals and departures board again.
I loved Charlotte.
I realized that now. Loved her more than I’d allowed myself to love anyone in a long, long time. But was that enough? From the fight we’d had, maybe not. She was determined to stay in Harpers Ferry. Refused to even consider moving anywhere else with me, especially overseas. So where did that leave us? She was my daughter’s legal guardian, but I wanted her to be so much more.
And Savannah. I’d never felt more protective of another human in my life. She was a part of me, the best part, and I wanted to be there for her. For all the birthdays and graduations. For the dance recitals and the homework and even the boring days where nothing much really happened. I needed to be there for it all. And I wanted Charlotte by my side during all of it. We made a good team. The best team.
“Now boarding, service to Pittsburgh, with stops in Rockville, Harpers Ferry, Martinsburg…” the overhead PA system said, continuing to list stations before concluding, “leaving Track 19 in twenty minutes.”
Right. That was me. I wove through the people in Union Station, ignoring the glorious architecture around me—the soaring vaulted ceiling with its ornamented arches, the statuary, the ornate clock—as I hurried toward my gate, my boots squeaking on the gleaming marble floors. I had no idea how things were going to work out between me and Charlotte, I just knew I needed to get home to figure it out. And yeah, despite all my protests, Harpers Ferry was home.
I got to the gate and pulled out my ticket to show the conductor. Checking my watch, I fidgeted a bit. If I was lucky, I’d get back to Charlotte’s house in time to help put my daughter to bed.
On board, I found a seat near the window, then stared out as the train finished boarding and we pulled out of the station. The rock and rumble of the train around me was oddly soothing, and I couldn’t help thinking back to when I’d first arrived here a few weeks ago. I’d been so nervous, so uncertain. I felt none of that now. Just a realization of what I stood to lose if I didn’t make the right decisions.
I’d made peace with the loss of my family. Now it was time to make peace with my future, whatever it was going to be.
Fatigue, bone-deep and drugging, swept over me as we traveled out of DC and into the countryside. I hadn’t intended on napping. Honestly, I’d have said I was too keyed up to sleep at that point, but somehow, next thing I knew, we were pulling into Harpers Ferry. I yawned and stretched, rubbing my eyes before peering out at the familiar depot. It wasn’t even a station, really, just an old wooden ticket office with faded green paint and an overhang.
