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"I'm so sorry,Mr. Tucker. Your key slipped from your pocket the other night while you were in the bar. I discovered it this morning when the barman told me he saw it under the stool where you sat. I figured you must have been looking for it, so I came as soon as I could but I guess it was bad timing." She had the grace to look chagrined.
"Returningmy keys is quite understandable, what were you doing in my bedroom?" I asked askance. She bowed her head in shame looking anywhere else but my face.
"I was curious.I wanted to see what the rest of the house looked like since you know... I know it's pretty awful and nosy of me but I wanted to know how it felt living in a house like this and I trespassed. I'm really sorry, I know I just made a mess of things but please if there's anything I can do to make it…” her voice trailed off as she stared into my eyes.
"There is absolutelynothing you can do." I ground out with an icy calm. "That is the only woman I've been able to love completely without reservation and God knows if I've lost her for–" my voice caught as I considered the implications of the words l'd almost uttered. It couldn't be true. No, I refused to believe that I'd lost Sophie. Yet I couldn't deny the finality in her eyes when she'd told me not to follow her. Sweet Jesus! The thought drove me crazy, I struggled to bring myself to a semblance of calm.
"Get out."
Shock and a mix of shame and remorse plastered across her face. For a moment, I almost softened. It was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but then I thought of Sophie's expression as she caught sight of Maria in my bedroom. The blank look of surprise and sharp pain was like a punch in my gut. Fuck! I hurt Sophie because of this woman.
"Get out of my house,Maria. My lawyers will reach out to you concerning my promise and present the documents you need, but I don't want to ever see you in my house again."
I heardher short gasp and deliberately straightened my shoulders walking to the front door then I opened it.
"Please, leave."
"I'm really sorry.I didn't mean to." She was crying now. Furtively wiping huge droplets of tears that made her way down her eyes as she walked out. I waited until she had gone, and I'd shut the door behind her before letting out a huge frustrated shout, punching the wall.
"Fuck!!!!"
What could I say?There was no excuse I could give that would work in this situation. Maria and I had history, Sophie had been able to forgive me the first time, but the second time meant I'd kept on seeing her. Nothing spelt betrayal to the woman you loved more than that.
Looking back now,I realized that I’d never really given Sophie much to believe. I was the one with the reputation of a playboy. I was the one who believed that commitment was a huge joke. I was the one who'd consistently disrespected her by bringing another woman to my house, or so it looked, when I knew she was in love with me.
You're sucha big fool Raymond, and you don't deserve her.My conscience pricked me harshly.
She'd puther heart on the line for me even when I’d behaved like an ass over and over again. She had not been afraid to show me what love meant to her even when my fear blinded my eyes from really seeing what she was offering. She'd waited for me, kept on believing that there was some good in me despite what she'd heard about me.
The painin my heart felt like it would rip me apart into two. I couldn't get past her face as she looked at me disillusioned. "My sweet Sophie, I'm so sorry." She was so good.
Too good for me,I thought sadly. For the longest time, I'd not allowed myself dare hope that I could be myself with a woman. She'd allowed me to be me, embracing me with everything, flaws and all. And now, I've pushed her away. Again. This time maybe for good.
I walkedto my small bar and poured a drink for myself. My hands shook slightly, and I paused for a while to take huge gulping breaths and fight back the panic threatening to build in me. I remembered a few weeks back when it was Sophie in this room struggling with a panic attack. It seems like ages ago, so much time has passed since then. It was hard to imagine my life without her. She'd come into my world like a tropical storm and turned it upside down. She'd fit in so tightly that it seems out of place not imagining her in the picture. No! I don't want to live without her.
"Don't call me.Don't text me. We're done!" She'd yelled. But how could I forget the fiery woman who had showed me how to open up again. I tried pouring the drink again, this time I managed not to pour half the contents away.
I trusted you…Don't go there, my mind warned. I tried to draw my mind away from the crushing fear of losing her, the pain in her voice.Think.My stomach warmed with the alcohol. Drinking was a bad idea right now, I was unstable, liable to violence, and I wanted to lash out at someone. Drinking might only make me break down that much faster and harder.
You will never be trulyhappy if you don't let go.Where did that come from? An old buried childhood memory? The drink must be settling in faster than I thought. I gripped the crystal tight as the words my mother usually said floated back to my head.Living in this world is unfortunate already, what makes it better is the gift of loving and being loved in return. Not many of us are lucky to have that in our lifetime.
A few monthsago I would have called it sentimental bullshit just as I’d done all my life. I would have scoffed and spewed out some theory on existentialism to support my point. Now, all I wanted was Sophie. The warmth she'd offered me unreservedly. I wanted to bury myself in all of that and never let go. It had been a breath of fresh air for me.
Most of mychildhood with my parents were a blur, but what I did remember as the darkness beneath the surface, lurking and waiting to trap me and devour me. I’d erected barriers and walled myself off to keep the coldness from seeping in but it came in unannounced at rare and vulnerable moments like this. Where all I could feel is despair, pain and hopelessness. I swore after I left home never to feel like that again, but I wondered if it was coming back to haunt me, whether I liked it or not.
Think!!My mind demanded of me again, I struggled to pull myself from the dull threads of shock settling in. I would approach Sophie again, she wouldn't refuse to see me. I was sure she would see reason. She had to.
Armed with a new resolve, I picked myself up from the terrible place my mind was sinking into and headed for her house.
I knockedfor a while but she didn't respond. My best guess is that she knew it was me. I tested the handle and strangely I found it unlocked. Apparently she must have forgotten to lock it in her distressed state on getting inside or the second unpleasant possibility, she wasn't inside. I disregarded the idea as soon as it dropped. Sophie didn't know anywhere on the beach. The sitting room was big, empty and ominous.
"Sophie?"I called out with increasing trepidation. I got no response. For the second time all day, I got a sharp slice of fear strike across my heart.
Was she gone?
"Sophie?"I called out again studying the apartment carefully as I looked around. I noticed some clues, scattered items on the floor. Pieces of clothing forming a trail from the top of the staircase. Sophie was usually more organized than this. My heart struggled to make sense of it while my brain registered a distant possibility I refused to believe in.
I wentup the stairs leading to her bedroom. I could smell her scent everywhere, it drove me crazy. I was afraid of what I’d confront in her bedroom, even more afraid of the signs I deliberately refused to acknowledge. I slid the door open and I stepped forward, looking at the floor then paused when I spotted her.
