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"Sophie!"A strong sense of relief flooded through me but it was short-lived.
"Sophie?"I tilted my head and glanced at her shoulder where the hand of a bag was hung. There's a small carrier bag on the floor beside her as well. "You're packed."
She staredat me resolutely and those eyes scared me. They weren't the eyes of the woman I fell in love with. They were cold now, cold and blank. "I'm sorry, Raymond. For believing this could work between us. But most of all for projecting my unrealistic expectations on you. I realize now that we are different people with different ideologies and we can't work no matter how many concessions we make."
My face tightened,I want to stop her, make her stop talking but I don't know how to. Her voice droned on mechanically as if wound up and her heart was far away from me already.
“Sophie..."I said again this time in a silent plea.
"I'm sorry, Raymond—”
"Can you stop apologizing, Goddamit!"I burst out losing control of my emotions, and I regretted it immediately as she reacted like she'd been struck. She drew more strength from herself and gathered herself together, staring at me woodenly.
"Please,let me go. I need… I just need some time to myself. I need to think this through, to see if it's something I still want to continue." She said with eyes so cold that I knew there was no truth behind those words, Sophie had closed our chapter with finality.
No words hadthe power to crush me the way those words did, and I felt like I would pass out from the numbing feeling they gave me.
"Baby,"I said hating the pleading quality in my voice as I struggled with myself.
"I'm sorry."she whispered again and walked out of the bedroom, down the stairs, out of the house, and out of my life. I stood there staring long after she had gone.
It didn't make sense.We were perfect together, the both of us. Couldn't she see that? For the first time in my life, I finally got a chance at real happiness and I messed it all up. Just the way I usually do. It felt like a sick endless cycle. The throbbing in my chest began again. I needed to not feel. To not think. No matter how hard I tried to put it in perspective, the sad truth was I just lost the only person who cared for me without expecting anything in return.
It hurt.Like hell.
What made it worse?
I hadno idea where in the world she had gone to.
CHAPTER 15
SOPHIE
Ithought I heard my name, but I don't stop to confirm as I ran down the stairs and out of my house, away from him.
I had to pause outside to cry. I found a quiet street around the corner and curled up on the ground. For a wild moment, I imagined he'd chase after me, but he didn’t. That was okay–he didn’t owe me anything, and I didn’t want him to. I needed to be alone. Yet, a part of me wished this could be fixed.
Right now, if he appeared around that corner, I'd throw myself into his arms and beg him to make everything okay, but that was stupid and weak and I couldn’t let myself succumb to weakness. He'd made it too impossible to stay with him right now so there was no use clinging to him like a desperate housewife.
Once I was done sobbing, I wiped my face and stood up straight. Next, I looked around as I figured out where to go next. I was stumped, I knew nowhere on this beach, and I could feel myself sinking fast under a sudden wave of hopelessness. I couldn’t just pack my bags and disappear, I needed to have a sense of direction.
I sat on the asphalt behind my house, hidden by a slightly overgrown bush under the fading glow of the evening sun wondering what to do next. My eyes fell on a travel brochure on the ground. It had been stepped on too many times but I could still make out the words written on it.
"Solo Adventure
Veneza.
Experience of a lifetime."
I felt this was the universe's way of showing me where to go next. I picked my way resolutely, flagging down a taxi as it coasted towards my direction. I didn’t want to go with my car, I needed to focus on nothing, think of nothing and driving would demand that from me. I sent a quick email to my team that I was taking a few days off to go to Veneza and they should hold down the fort while I was gone. That settled, I focused on the taxi which had pulled to a stop in front of me, now waiting. "Take me to the Airport." I said as I entered the cab faced with a new air of certainty and assurance. Veneza it is.
* * *
I saton the edge of one of the many canals in Veneza, Italy drinking a sugary rum, listening to the conversations going on around me while not taking part in a single one. Eavesdropping had become part of the solo traveling experience, and the best part was when those around me didn't think I understood a word of what was said.
Most of all, it helped distract me from my errant thoughts and the steady pain that had kept me company since I arrived. I'd returned to this particular cafe because the locals had told me that many tourists didn't frequent it. Admittedly I was a tourist, but I was here for an entirely different reason the rest of other tourists weren't here for. I was on a quest of self-realization, and I needed the trip more than I'd initially cared to admit.
Venezia wasn't a location picked by accident. Venice as much as the world called it was a city of love. It felt crazy to imagine that I would pick Venice of all the cities to heal from the pain caused by love, but I was sure there was a message here for me in all of these.
