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Amara
I knew I couldn’t do it, so I’m not even sure why I allowed myself to believe I could. Claire once told me that my heart was attached to my vagina and no matter how hard I tried, I could never be that girl that didn’t get emotionally involved.
I hate that she’s right.
I hate that I am sitting here in the middle of a restaurant with all my closest friends, and I suddenly feel like I’ve been tackled and thrown around.
I look up when someone talks to me and force a smile, I laugh when the situation calls for it, but truthfully I’d rather be anywhere but here.
I’d rather be hidden away in the comfort of my apartment ignoring the pull I feel toward the man that I know is watching me and waiting for me to assure him that I’m good. I am, I know I have to be, because I’m sure the hostess isn’t the only person I will run into that has slept with Ty.
Just yesterday I had Erica Hayes in my chair for a cut and color and she talked about a certain firefighter who should remain nameless that she’d love more than anything to go another round with.
My heart is in my throat. It has been since the blonde woman placed her hand on Ty’s arm, and offered round two.
The hardest part was not reacting.
But honestly what right do I have to even be upset and the last thing he needs is me and my insecurities.
Digging deep I know what I need to do, and I do it. I lift my head, square my shoulders and push through dinner. Even though the food tastes like cardboard I chew enthusiastically. The wine is bitter, and I ask for a second glass. When the dessert cart comes, Lorelei and I split a cheesecake though we both agree we shouldn't. We enjoy every last bite.
When dinner is done and everyone is gathering their things to leave, Ty makes his way around the table.
Reaching me, he places his hand on the small of my back, leans in to offer me a kiss on my cheek and pauses near my ear. “Hang back so we can talk.”
“I rode with Liam,” I don’t look at him, staring forward to remain discreet.
“I’ll give you a ride home.” I glance down seeing his helmet tucked beneath his arm and then back up at him. “It didn’t mean anything.” He finally says and I flinch unexpectedly.
“And that is the saddest part about the entire thing.” I guess I’m built differently because to me sex means something. Then I find myself wondering if I mean anything or am I just an easy fix, so he doesn't have to go looking, I’m just there.
“Mar don’t do this,” he squeezes my hip and I try to step around him. “Hey.”
He stares at me, and I know that if we remain like this everyone will figure it all out. “Not here,” I finally say.
“Then where,” I don’t answer him, feeling emotional and needing to get this over with.
I can tell he doesn’t like that he can’t touch me or say whatever it is that’s on his mind. “Can we stop pretending yet?”
“We aren’t pretending.”
“Fine,” Tyler gives me a stern look, “Can we stop hiding?”
I know what he is asking me and I’m not sure that right now is the best time for everyone to find out we’ve been, hell I don’t know what we’ve been.
“Alright,” he steps back, giving me some room and I feel relieved. “I’ll give you time to get home, time for Liam to leave and then I’ll be at your doorstep.”
“What if I wasn’t planning to go straight home?”
“You were, so that’s not gonna work. I’ll see you soon.” He moves away and continues around the table saying bye to everyone and I grab my purse from the back of the chair, waiting for Liam.
When I see him and Audrey off to the side talking I walk out of the room and lean against the wall, close my eyes and take in a deep breath.
“Are you having second thoughts about declining my offer for a ride?” I feel like I don’t know which way to go with this man. I want him to be the one, but I know already that Tyler isn’t built like that. I want him to be someone I can count on and though so far he hasn’t given me a reason to believe I can't. I'm just waiting for that to change. “ I know what you’re thinking.”
“You telepathic now and none of us knew?” I finally push off the wall and stand, still holding the strap of my purse because I need something to do with my hands.
“No, but I’ve got you figured out Mar, and you can deny it all you want. Right now though you are already convincing yourself that you and that hostess are in the same category.” I hold his stare refusing to give him any indication that he may be right. “You think what happened between her and I over a year ago is the same thing happening between us, but you couldn’t be more wrong.”
