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“Why didn’t you leave?”
“The same reason you can’t say no to Anna. I loved him, I trusted him, and assumed deep down he cared about me enough to leave it behind. The man I knew would have never done those things.He must still be in there somewhere, right? I know the real Kyle.I couldn’t see what was happening right in front of me. Or maybe I didn’t want to. I couldn’t compete with drugs for a place in his life. He loved the high. I didn’t stand a chance.
“Anyway, one day a letter came in the mail, our power was about to be turned off, all of our bills were overdue. We had almost fifteen grand saved up, which was a lot of fucking money for a couple of twenty-some-year-olds. Our savings account was empty. I lost it. I spent that night crying, yelling, begging him to stop using, trying to get him into a program that we couldn’t even afford—we were so fucking broke, Rhys.”
My stomach is tight, it’s hard to breathe. Other than my therapist, I haven’t told anyone the whole story before. Even after he died, I was still trying to save his reputation.
“He turned everything back on me.He could quit—he just doesn’t want to. It’s to help him sleep. He’s not hurting anyone.He’s too scared to quit.Then he hit me where it hurt, he looked me in the eye and said, ‘You will never make me feel as good as this does. I will never love you like this.’”
Tears brim my eyes as I recall the look on his face when he said it, he meant every word. That was the moment I knew I’d lost. I spent the night crying myself to sleep.
All of the air in the restaurant feels like it’s being smothered as I relive the memory.
I clear my throat. “I had to go to work the next day, and that morning, the light under the bathroom door was on. I don’t know why it stood out to me, but it did. I knocked on the door and told him I was leaving for work. He said he loved me, which only reminded me that he loved something else more. I didn’t say it back. I felt numb. When I got home that evening, the light in the bathroom was still on, and I knew.”
I press my fingertips to my eyes and take a deep breath. My stomach is in knots.
“I opened the door and saw him on the floor. His eyes were open and there were these bruises under his skin. He was cool to the touch. The room smelled like vomit and shit. I just curled up next to his stiff body and lay there, sobbing into his chest... He bought the drugs with the money I supplied him. I loaded the gun for him and then went to work without even sayingI love youback.”
Swiping under my eyes, I compose myself.How did we end up this deep into the story? And before lunch?When I look up, Rhys is staring at me wide-eyed. I spit out the ending, wanting to finish the conversation. “His drugs had been cut with Fentanyl, and he overdosed.”
Rhys says nothing. He just walks to my side of the booth and hugs me. I let him hold me. I take a deep shuddered breath.I’m not going to cry here. Today has been so nice. Don’t ruin it.
I need to say one more thing, so he understands. “Being with Anna during her detox brought back so many memories. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow it back in my life. There’s no strength left in me to go through that twice.” His hands caress my arms, leaving chills in their wake. “I’m worried about you, Rhys. I can see how much you care about Anna, and I don’t want you to go through the same hell I did. You’ve been through so much already. It’s been five years and I’m still working through it in therapy. For years negative thoughts echoed in my head,I could have saved him, orI could have done more. But with support groups and my therapist, I’ve learned that they are unreasonable and illogical lines of thinking. The hardest part is knowing they are going to die and having no choice but to wait for the phone call or the light under the door.”
“Freya...”
I know what’s coming. Abut.
“I can’t just abandon her. There’s no one else who will watch out for Anna. I’m all she has.”
“You can love herandset boundaries. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.” I touch each of my fingers and list off examples. “Don’t let her show up high. Don’t give her money. Don’t let her borrow your truck. Don’t let her manipulate you. Offer her rehab whenever possible, but protect yourself too. . . Don’t light yourself on fire to keep her warm.”
He swallows down whatever response he has loaded, instead he answers, “Okay. I will.”
He won’t.
“I didn’t mean to get into all that. We were having a great date and I... I’m sorry.” I chuckle nervously. “We should decide what we’re going to order before our server gets back.”
He wraps his arms around me tighter.
“You’re an incredible woman, Freya Girl. Don’t apologize for sharing yourself with me. You know I care about you, right?”
Hearing him say that dissipates some of the sadness at our table.
“I care about you too.”More than you know.“So, what are you hungry for?” I pick up my menu, trying to lighten the mood.
He brings his lips to the shell of my ear and nips. “You.”
I give him a shove. “Get back on your side of the table, freak.”
“I’ll show you how big a freak I am.”
“Pinky promise?”
* * *
After talking about the darkest thing that happened in my life, the rest of lunch was light and easygoing in comparison. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to go back to my place or his after we get to the top of the stairs outside our doors. He unlocks his door and holds it open for me.
