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Courtney high-fives Nate. “Vampire… a new low, even for you.”
“So, I have some baggage.”
“Everyone has baggage, Meg. Look at me, for example. I was a mess, bouncing from guy to guy, none of them able to satisfy me.”
“Hold on a minute!”
“Shut up, Nate.” Courtney wiggles her pinkie at Nate who mumbles under his breath. “Listen, the fact is I had to take a very hard look at myself to understand who I am and what I wanted out of life. I did that and all that emotional heteronormative bullshit that was wearing me down just didn’t matter to me anymore. I learned what, or more correctly who, I wanted to be with. Look at me now, I’m single andalwaysready to mingle. And I’ve never been happier.”
“You can’t compare the two of us.”
“I’m not. I’m saying that you struggle to see what we see… a beautiful, talented, strong-willed woman with everything going for you. It’s all about self-love, babe!” Already reading Nate’s mind, Courtney waves her hand menacingly at him. “Don’t go there, Nate! I’m talking about self-love. Learn to love the woman you are because she’s pretty great. And onceyourealise that everything else will just fall into place.”
“I just said I was a sodding nine out of ten!”
“That’s all talk, Meggsy. It’s difficult, but I promise you that once you’ve worked on the tossing out that cargo ship worth of self-loathing baggage that is lumbered around your neck, all those past dickheads you thought meant everything will be a hazy memory. When you’re truly happy, you will find love.”
“That’s very… profound, Courtney.”
“I know I talk a lot of rubbish but I’m actually pretty enlightened.”
“I’m going to weigh in on this as well.” Brynn, the voice of occasional reason smiles at me. “You are all emotion, Meg—which we adore about you—but emotions and the brain aren’t great friends at the best of times. You meet a guy, and your heart wants to love that person, but your brain is fighting back, looking for flaws that aren’t always there. Then your emotions bubble over and you’re a red-hot mess which scares the guy witless, and he runs screaming into the night… even the vampires.”
“Now you’re calling me an emotional mess?”
“Never! I’m merely saying that you need to find a healthy process for your emotions and your love life to co-exist.”
“All solid advice.” Although Nate is still scowling at Courtney’s pinkie joke, he nods in agreement. “But can I just add that my penis isnotthe size of a pinkie, and I’m prepared to whip it out right now if you want proof!”
“We all believe you, Nate.”
“Seriously, though, this makes sense, even to me, but if that doesn’t work then I’m sure I could scrounge up a pretty decent chap for you.” He tips an imaginary hat at me. “I’ve been rather successful at that in the past.”
It was Nate that introduced Ginny to her fiancé, Aydin. He had bet her a bottle of scotch and a naked swim in the Thames that he would find her the perfect man and he did. They are so much in love it’s borderline comical. She happily purchased a bottle of 25-year-old Glenfarclas for losing the bet (Aydin vetoed the naked swim part of the wager though).
“Although this is probably not the best place for me to work my magic.”
Nate’s right. We’re at She Soho, a lesbian bar off Charing Cross Road and it’s a bit of a man-drought in here tonight. Courtney chose the venue, but she did it for the karaoke (her guilty pleasure) rather than the patrons, although she seems to be making eyes at Camilla now.
“Give it a rest, Nate.” Courtney sneers across the table. “So, we’re all in agreement that Meg’s a bloody nine of out ten.”
“Thank you.”
“Smoking hot—” She lifts her martini glass to Camilla at the next table, who flutters her eyelashes back at her, “—and all that.”
“I believe you.”
“What I’m trying to say is that once you learn to forgive yourself, respect yourself and love yourself, then you won’t find yourself attracted to the wrong type of man. Jeffrey is the perfect example. Total knob head, that one.”
Jeffrey was my most recent paramour (before the high-brow Charles Rupert Stanton and practically every other loser in London, of course). We had met at Blanch Wigdor Lanier, one of London’s most prominent personal injury law firms. I was working as a PA and Jeffrey had just joined the firm as an associate. Despite a very rocky start, we ended up dating for a few months until I found out he was actually engaged to another lawyer in the office. But that isn’t the end of the story. The only reason I found out about the engagement was the photos of him and Emma Grieste sipping on champagne, smiling at the camera, surrounded by their family and friends on his social media. The whole fecking office was invited to the engagement party… well, everyone but me that is!
Emotional baggage.
I glance around the table at my slightly inebriated and overly opinionated, friends. If what they say is true, then it is time that I start to take a long, hard look at myself. Learn to love me and decide what I want in my life.
Is a happily ever after with marriage with kids and a dog really what I’ve been craving all these years? Is this my dream or my mother’s? And how do I learn to love myself when I’m being drowned by all this self-loathing, emotional baggage that’s pulling me under?
The truth is, I don’t have the answers.
