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“‘I don’t believe in love,’” I mutter to myself, mocking my own words.
I shake my head, turning again to the other side of the pillow. It feels just as empty.
I think back to the conversation we had where Jada laid everything out on the table. I was a fool not to recognize what I felt for her then, and I’ll be a fool if I let her slip through my fingers again.
It suddenly occurs to me what she was really saying with those questions, and I suddenly bolt upright in bed. I can’t believe I didn’t see it then, and I smack my hand to my forehead.
“She loved me,” I say out loud, and my words reverberate off the bedroom walls.
Of course she did! Why else would she keep asking if I loved her? It wasn’t just because my mom sees us as a couple in love. It’s because that’s what she wants for us, too.
I shake my head, shocked by my own blindness. How could I have been so oblivious to what was going on? Not just in her, but in myself? Of course we’ve been falling in love. I just didn’t realize that that’s what real love looked like.
“I love you, Jada,” I say, softly this time.
A spark of electricity flies through my chest as I say the words out loud – the words I should have said two days ago. I say it again, as if practicing for the real thing because I know, without a shadow of a doubt that I have to tell her how I feel. I only hope it isn’t too late.
I lay back down, nestling my head into my pillow. This time though, there’s a massive smile on my face, thinking of Jada, imagining myself telling her how I feel. I know I don’t have any time to waste. If there’s a chance we can still be together, I’m going to take it, even if I’m risking everything all over again.
This time I know the risk is definitely worth it.
34
JADA
The door to the house creaks open as I step inside after my night shift, and I find the place cloaked in darkness except for a single lamp burning in the living room. Carter must have left it on for me, and I feel my heart ache a little at the thought.
The last two days have been hard and knowing that Carter’s already gone to bed brings both relief and sadness. It’s been hard going about our lives separately all of a sudden, but I try to push the thought away. It won’t do any good to dwell on it and the more I do, the harder it is.
Instead, I get ready for bed and drop down onto the mattress in the guest bedroom, just like I have the last two nights. The sheets are cold, and I have to hug myself until my own body heat warms the bed enough for me to go to sleep. I try not to think of the warmth of Carter’s body wrapped around me as I drift off into another night of lonely sleep.
The next morning, I wake up and the ache of a dream lingers in my mind. I don’t remember what I dreamt of, but the feeling of longing that it left behind means it’s not hard to guess. I let out a sigh as I open my eyes to the empty spot beside me.
I don’t really want to get up, knowing that Carter will probably be out there when I do, but I can’t avoid him forever. The sooner I get used to this new dynamic between us, the easier this will be. I don’t want to make it weird – that was the whole point of calling things off in the first place, to make sure things didn’t get overly complicated.
As I get dressed, I resolve to act like everything is normal. Maybe that will trick us both into thinking it is.
When I come out of my room, though, I see that there’s nothing normal about this day. The house is filled with roses, starting with a single long-stemmed rose in front of my door. Attached to it is a note in Carter’s handwriting.
Good morning Jada, breakfast is waiting for you.
I pick it up, wide-eyed, following the trail of flowers that lead to the kitchen. When I get there, I see Carter waiting for me, a huge breakfast laid out on the table and a look in his eyes I haven’t seen before.
“Hi,” he says, a little sheepishly. But there’s a huge grin on his face.
“What’s all this for?” I ask, still incredulous at the effort he’s clearly gone to for me.
He takes a step towards me, and I feel his hands take mine. The feeling of his warm skin sends a wave of pleasure through my body. I’d missed his touch even more than I’d realized.
“I know we agreed to call things off, and at the time we had every reason to think that was a good idea. It was. I know neither of us wants to hurt my mom, but I don’t want to hurt you either,” he says.
My heart catches in my chest at his words, and I wonder if this is going where I hope it’s going.
“The thing is,” he continues, looking in my eyes. “There’s no risk anymore. I know we might have problems – everyone does. But Jada, I love you. If you feel the same, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure this lasts.”
I feel tears start to well in my eyes and before I know it, they’re streaming down my face.
“I love you, too,” I finally manage through my tears and the look on Carter’s face is enough to make my heart almost burst in my chest.
