AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I’m half tempted to go there anyway and keep up the tradition, but since things have cooled off between us, I’m not entirely sure I’d be welcome. The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable.
Instead, I finish my perfectly prepared cardboard alone before pulling out my phone to call my mom. Since Jada and I are essentially keeping our distance for Mom’s sake, I may as well do something productive with it, rather than just moping around our lonely home.
“Hey, Mom,” I say when she answers, trying not to let my bad mood come through in my voice. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she says, as usual. “How are you? How’s Jada?”
I don’t know what I expected – of course the conversation was going to turn to Jada at the first opportunity.
“We’re good,” I lie. It’s harder than I thought to answer calmly, but of course that’s not enough.
“Tell me what you’ve been up to,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice.
Somehow I can’t bring myself to make up some happy story. Not today at least. Instead, another thought pops into my mind.
“Hey, Mom?” I begin, steering the conversation away from her question. “Why didn’t you ever remarry after dad died?”
It’s not something I’ve ever thought to ask before, but I guess I always wondered in the back of my mind. Especially now, knowing how important it is to her that I’m married, I wonder why she’s spent so many years being single. I don’t even remember there ever being a boyfriend in the picture.
“Well,” she begins, and I hear there’s both warmth and sadness in her voice. “I suppose I could never really imagine myself being with someone else. Your father wasn’t just my husband, he was really my best friend. We shared everything together, and I knew it would never be the same if I tried to find someone else.”
She pauses for a moment, but I get the feeling there’s more she wants to say.
“Even now I miss him at silly times. I’ll read a good book and wish I could recommend it to him to see what he thinks of it. Or I’ll think of a funny memory we shared and want to remind him about it. And of course, seeing you and Jada together. I wish he were here to share that with me. But mostly it’s the little things. I always wanted to share everything with him, and that never changed, even after he passed.”
“Wow,” I say, almost involuntarily.
“Well, I imagine you feel the same way about Jada,” she tells me and the words hit me right in the chest.
“Yeah, I do,” I reply softly, and this time I don’t have to lie.
I’m not sure I can carry on this conversation without letting something slip, though.
“Well, Mom, I need to get an early night for work tomorrow, but I just wanted to check in,” I tell her.
“Thank you for calling, dear, and give my love to Jada, won’t you?” she replies.
“Of course. Goodnight, Mom,” I say before ending the call.
As soon as I put my phone down, though, my head is reeling. I go through the motions of getting ready for bed, but at every turn all I can think about is Jada.
Is that what love is?I wonder, and the question doesn’t leave my head, even as I lay down to sleep.
Of course I feel that way about Jada. I’ve felt for a long time already that she’s my best friend, the person I want to share everything with. When I wake up, she’s the first person I think about, and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed. Every piece of news, every thought, every joke or idea, no matter how insignificant, I want to share it with her.
Even eating dinner alone tonight was devoid of joy because I didn’t get to eat in her company.
I turn over in bed, punching my pillow to try to get comfortable, but the fact that Jada isn’t in this bed with me – the fact she’s at work and will make her way into the guest bedroom when she comes home – makes it impossible to sleep.
That, and the sudden realizations bouncing around in my head.
The space that’s opened up between us over the last two days since we put an end to our growing connection has felt awful. I don’t want space, I realize. What I want is Jada.
I think Disney movies and romcoms have ruined the concept of love for me. I don’t know what I expected love to be. Some kind of candy-colored wonderland where people pledge their souls to each other and nothing ever goes wrong, maybe.
But what I have with Jada is different from that. What we have is warmth and safety, shared jokes and mutual respect, romance but also grounding. We have all the things that make a great friendship, but we’re also attracted to each other. And I for one, can’t imagine doing life without her now.
She’s the perfect companion, and I can’t believe it took me so long to realize that.
