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She closes her eyes for a moment, taking in my words. “Sweetie, you can’t be getting so worked up that you have a panic attack. You don’t need to worry.”
“Only I do,” I say softly. “I love him. I don’t want anything to happen to him, and this is dangerous.”
She holds my hands, her tone soft. “They know what they’re doing. I know that’s hard to believe because this isn’t a normal everyday family. This is what they do. They have an army of soldiers. Angelo won’t let anything happen to any of his brothers.”
“But they’re not invincible,” I argue. “None of them are.”
“That’s true, but worrying yourself into a panic attack isn’t the answer.”
“I couldn’t help it. I care for him so much, and when I thought about him being taken away…that’s when the panic attack started.” I hug my knees, trying not to work myself into a state again.
“Babe, I understand all of that better than anyone, but you can’t do this to yourself. Dante is a grown man. I know you love and care for him, but if it’s going to make you this upset when they have to do what they do, then maybe he isn’t…”
“Don’t say it,” I whisper. “Please don’t say it.”
“I’m not trying to upset you– I’m honestly not. However, this is the life of being in a mafia family, and it’s hard. The people you love are out there, vulnerable to all kinds of situations that you can do nothing about. This is why Angelo and I were both concerned about you getting involved with one other.”
“You mean me, because of what happened to me?”
“No, I mean the both of you. Because we know how hard it is, and it’s all very real when you love someone.”
A moment passes between us. “I’m stronger than you think.”
“I know that.”
“I just had a moment. You don’t have to worry about me. I worked through it, which is something I couldn’t do before. I was proud of myself for not letting it take me under.”
I haven’t had a really big panic attack since after my parents were killed.
And it brought up all of those memories about abandonment.
I have issues but don’t want to project them onto Dante and our relationship.
None of that is on him. I’ve made the decision to be with him, knowing he’s mafia.
Knowing that this is dangerous and that I can be put in danger. It’s not any of that information that makes me stop breathing, it’s the thought of losing him.
“You don’t have to paint a pretty picture. It’s me,” Rayne goes on. “And I am very proud of you, but you don’t have to go through it alone. I’m here. So is Angelo. So are Dante and your friends. We’re a family, no matter what.”
I reach out to hug her, and she folds me into her arms. “I’m not afraid,” I say. “I’m really not just putting on a brave face, but I can’t lie and say that I’m okay with Dante being out there with guns, bombs, and madmen that want to kill him…kill all of them.”
She holds me at arm's length. “This is why you need to choose your path and understand what this means, if you want to be with Dante. It’s not all rosy. It will trigger you at some point because you’re only human. It’ll play on your insecurities because it’s a dangerous game. I need you to be clear on that and not just look at this relationship with rose-tinted glasses on.”
I nod. I know she loves me deeply, and she cares for me. But no amount of danger can keep me away from Dante. Nothing ever will.
“I know the ugly side. I get it,” I say as she sits back to assess me. “Nevertheless, it’s a price I’m willing to pay. I’ve never felt this way before. That’s how I know it’s real.”
She shakes her head. “I wish I could say something to persuade you to put the brakes on, but it seems you’ve made up your mind. Just try and breathe, that’s all I can say. You’re a lot like me when you fall.” She brushes my hair back off my shoulder. “And that’s what scares me the most. We’re all in when it comes to the ones we choose to love.”
She’s telling the truth. We do love hard. Which is why I’ve steered away from relationships in the past. I never wanted to love so hard and lose it. But Dante, and our connection, consume me. It’s something I feel from my head down to the tips of my toes.
It’s intense, but it’s real. And I’d be stupid not to follow that and see where this goes.
“We are,” I agree. We both jolt when Rayne’s phone rings, and she laughs, shaking her head as she answers.
I glance at my own phone, knowing no messages or calls have come through. It’s been hours since I heard from Dante, and I can’t help that feeling inside me telling me something’s wrong.
Rayne’s tone changes as she stands, and I glance at her quickly.
