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Lately every reference to a date in the future hung heavy in the air. Would I still be around then?
Back at the house, my dad wasn’t home from work yet. He’d left laundry in the dryer, so I folded it, then went to his bedroom to put it away. I looked around. This room hadn’t changed very much from when I was a kid—same dark walnut furniture, same white wooden blinds, even a dark brown robe hung on the back of the door that led to the small, attached half bath. The top of the dresser was lined with framed photos that hadn’t changed in twenty years. I picked up the first one that caught my eye. It was of my mom laughing, taken on her and William’s wedding day. A small pearl crown sat on top of her head, the veil that had been attached long gone since it was the end of their reception. She had cake smeared all over her face. I’d gone through their wedding album dozens of times after mom passed. There were pictures of them cutting a three-tier cake and Mom smashing a giant piece into Dad’s face.
Tears clogged my throat as I stared at the photo. So I set it back on the dresser and picked up another one. This one was of Mom and William walking on the beach, with two-year-old me on William’s shoulders. They looked so happy. Growing up without a mother wasn’t easy, but I was glad my mother had gotten to have a family—even if only for a short while. I’d always dreamed of having a bunch of kids, probably because I grew up an only child. But it wasn’t in the cards.
“You peed on my neck that day.” Dad’s voice startled me. I hadn’t heard him come in. He leaned casually against the bedroom doorway with a smile.
“I did not…”
“Yep, you did. We were walking along, and all of a sudden, I felt this warmth. At first I thought it was sweat. It was a pretty warm day out.”
“Why have you never mentioned that before?”
Dad shrugged. “I’m not sure. I guess we never discussed that photo. But you were only two and a half and potty training early. It wasn’t a big deal. I just went for a swim, and we finished our walk.”
I stared at the picture for a few more seconds before putting it back. “Can I ask you something, Dad?”
“Anything.”
“Have you dated since Mom died?”
He nodded. “Here and there. It’s nice to have companionship once in a while, to go to a movie or a restaurant.”
I smiled. “I’m glad.”
I’d been thinking so much about my mom’s death since I moved back home. But I’d also been wondering about the aftermath for William. I was so little when it happened. I didn’t remember what it was like for him.
“It must’ve been tough for you after Mom died…”
Dad walked into the room. He took a seat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to him. “What’s really on your mind, sweetheart?”
“What do you mean?”
He tapped his finger to my temple. “You’ve been moping around, lost in thought since you arrived. I know what you’re going through is heavy and a lot to carry, but it’s more than that. I can tell.”
I leaned my head on my dad’s shoulder. “You’re always so good at reading me.”
“Is this about that guy, Beck, you told me about?”
I sighed. “I miss him a lot.”
“So go see him. Or have him out here. We have plenty of room. I think I might finally be okay abolishing the open-bedroom-door policy when a boy’s over.”
I smiled. “I can’t. I don’t want to make it harder for him.”
Dad shifted and looked at me. “Harder for him? Please don’t tell me you’re keeping away from a man who cares about you because you think it will help him heal easier someday.”
When I didn’t respond, Dad shook his head. “Nora, I would take a lifetime of sadness for one minute longer with your mother. Life isn’t a math equation that’s simple to figure out. Sometimes forty-two good days outweigh hundreds of bad ones.”
“I know…but if you and Mom had never fallen in love, you’d probably be married now and have someone to keep you company. You would have lived your life more fully.”
“And if I could do it all over—make a choice today to have four years with your mother and some loneliness in the years after, or no years with your mother but never be lonely—I’d choose your mother. It’s not even a question. I’d choose her every time. Your mother was the love of my life. Not everyone is lucky enough to find their person. I was, and for that, I feel lucky, not regretful.”
“Oh, Dad…” Tears welled in my eyes, and I threw my arms around his shoulders and hugged him. “Your love for Mom has been an inspiration to me. It’s beautiful.”
“Then let the inspiration guide your actions, sweetheart.”
“I can’t. It’s different with me and Beck. You were already married to Mom and head over heels for her when she got sick the last time. It was too late for you. It’s not too late for Beck.”
