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“You know I can’t,” I said evenly.
“Do I? Really? Because it seems to me your sister could take over Spuds for the summer, and you could come out here to me,” he challenged.
He had a right to be angry. Truthfully, Amber offered to run Spuds on her own for the summer.
Repeatedly.
She’d even lined up a possible part-timer just for the lunch rush. I ruminated over her offer constantly. Both she and Yiayia sat me down, trying to convince me to go.
Several times I attempted to buy a plane ticket but could not complete the transaction. I was fine until the agent requested my credit card number. The card quivered in my trembling grasp, while the pounding of my heart pulsed in my ears. Beads of cold sweat broke out over my forehead, and the rising nausea forced me off the phone every time.
Hours after hanging up the phone, I still felt as though my head was detached from my body, a floating ball of air bobbing untethered. At those times, I felt sure I was going to pass out, maybe even die, certain that Amber or Yiayia would find me on the floor in the same way Yiayia had found Pappou.
I lined up appointments to get my heart checked, convinced I’d inherited a heart condition from my pappou. All indications so far pointed toward some kind of panic disorder.
It made sense. Even the thought of leaving filled me with dread. The episodes weren’t only limited to plane tickets, either. Going anywhere new provoked an attack, it was getting to the point that even my regular haunts were becoming problematic.
Yiayia constantly pushed me to go out, but the only places I felt truly safe were at Spuds and the little house I grew up in with Amber and Yiayia. Going anywhere else filled me with dread and the irrational thought that something bad might happen, and I wouldn’t be able to escape or make it back home in time.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Sorry,” he scoffed, and I winced at his tone, hearing his frustration, his hurt, his doubt. “Is it that you don’t love me enough, Ruby?”
Tears coursed down my cheeks.
Telling him about my panic wouldn’t change anything. He’d still be there, I’d still be stuck here, and the pain of our parting would be further delayed. Eventually, he would move on with his life, he’d just do it with guilt, and I didn’t want guilt to be what remained of what was us.
I answered him the only way I could, my voice thick. “I will always love you, Vander. We tried. It’s not going to work out for us. At least not right now.”
He sighed heavily. “You’re not coming?”
“No.” The bald word rang between us like a death knell.
He spoke softly as he promised, “I’ll always be here for you, Ruby-mine.”
“I love you, Vander.”
I choked out the only truth I wanted to leave with him and hung up the phone. I stood with my hands tucked under my chin, my eyes squeezed shut.
My body went rigid with the shock of what I’d just done, and the loss of connection to him. Whatever was happening to me, it had hijacked my mind, my will, my heart, and my future.
I turned to see Yiayia carefully open the door to the back room and peek in, dressed in her signature elastic waist polyester pants, floral blouse, and a flashy pair of flats. Her ruby ring was the one piece of jewelry she never went without. Even at work, it hung on a cord around her neck. She was forever tsking at me for going out wearing ‘beejamas’ and without make-up. She believed in always looking your best and had tried, to no avail, to instill that in Amber and myself. Even this morning, she berated me for going to work in jeans and a t-shirt.
She opened the door fully as she took in my face and hers crumpled.
She opened her arms and called to me softly, “Ela, moro mou. Ela styn yiayia sou.”Come, my baby, come to your yiayia.
I put my phone down on the counter and stumbled towards her.
She met me halfway and wrapped me up in her arms. Arms that had always been there for me steadied me once again, and she held me while I cried, streaking tears, snot, and mascara all over the shoulder of her pretty blouse. Several minutes passed before the comfort of her embrace bolstered me enough that I could pull myself together.
I released her and swiped my fingers beneath my eyes. She stood at exactly my height, but to me, she always seemed so much taller. “Sorry, Yiayia. I got mascara on your blouse.”
She shrugged, her grasp firm around my elbows. “Ech. Who cares? I got it seventy percent off…”
We finished at the same time, “Five dollars only.”
I smiled. She always said that to my pappou when he asked about her new clothes. It always made him smile.
