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I open the door to get out and shake my head. “Declan.I don’t want you here. I want to be alone.”
“Damn it, Natalia!” He shouts and I merely stare at him for a moment, before climbing out of the car.
“Goodbye, Declan.” I slam the door and head toward the dirt path, feeling the rotting cracks in my heart begin to shred.
Chapter sixteen
Declan
IsweartoGod,this woman.
Getting out of the car, I slam the door and follow suit, storming down the path to the safe house. Gazing at her, I ogle her ass as it jiggles with each step, and I feel myself get slightly hard at the sight. Watching as she unlocks the door with her key, I roll my eyes when she stomps inside dramatically. She leaves the door open, already anticipating my interruption.
“Natalia Raisa! Would you just fucking talk to me?” I follow and slam the door behind me, the windows of the safe house lightly rattle with the force. I step around her, cutting off access to the back bedrooms. Huffing, she places her hands on her hips.
“Declan,” she warns, pointing her finger at me deftly. “Unless you want your feelings hurt, I suggest you go home. I’m not in the mood to cater to other people right now. We both know that I’m about to wring you a new one.Just. Leave. Me. Alone.”
“Not until you talk to me,” I protest, crossing my arms as I lean against the door frame. “I’m a big boy, I can handle whatever you have to say. If you’ve got a bone to pick, let’s hear it.”
With her fists clenched at her sides, she turns around and storms into the kitchen, dust practically kicking under her shoes. Yanking out the vodka from this morning, Natalia spins open the lid and tries to lift the bottle to her lips. I swiftly snatch it from her hand, spilling some of the contents on her hands and arms.
“Give it back, Declan,” she barks, basically blowing smoke from her ears in anger. She reaches for the bottle, but I hold it above my head and away from her reach while the other slides around her waist. My fingers dig into her side with force, hauling her body to mine.
“You need to face your issues and stop trying to drink them away,” I growl, feeling her tense below my hand. I’ve never seen her like this before. Usually, she will drink a few but very rarely will she drink this much so close together.
“I don’t want to.” Even though it’s no use, she tries once more to snag the bottle, trying her hardest to yank my elbow down. “Why thefuckdid you come back? I just wanted to come here and mourn my baby in peace. In a place that I knew, one that felt remotely like home, instead of some apartment on the other side of the country. I didn’t ask for you to come here. I didn’t ask you to take me to Dmitri. I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask for you to return to my life after so long trying to forget you. I didn’t ask for you to show up here and demand your wicked way with me. I wanted to come here, even if only for a few days, to mourn my old life. I came here for some peace and quiet from the never ending thoughts running a mile a minute through my brain. I just want to be alone! Don’t you understand that?” She pushes away from me and stands in front of me, her arms shielding herself away from my gaze. Her shoulders are rolled back, her fists clenched across her body in a defiant stance.
Although she is a foot shorter than me, the way she holds herself makes her seem taller. She can try all she wants to be big and bad, but I have known her since we were babies. I can see the pain in her eyes. I can see the hurt haunting her soul behind her glossy blues, and I’m stuck because I have no fucking clue how to help her.
“I just… I want to go back to the person I was before I knew I was pregnant. I want to be the woman before I found out that myhusbandhadliedto me. Since you haven’t seem to put the pieces together yet, I use the alcohol to numb the pain because it’s just too much. It’s all overwhelming, and I physically can’t breathe. There is a constant pressure right in the middle of my chest that threatens to compress… to crush my ability to breathe. Being happy is too fucking hard, right now. I don’t want to feel anything at all. Everything I need is sitting inside that glass bottle you’re holding. The liquid that gives me reprieve from my suffering. Breathing is no longer second nature, but a chore. The chore that I am struggling so hard to complete is eased with a bottle of liquor. You weren’t here, you have no idea the shit that I’ve been through… I swear I’m still learning to be human at this point.”
Hearing her confession, it’s like a solid slap in the face. I soften my features in understanding. “I had no idea it was this bad, Natalia. Finn was supposed to be keeping an eye on you. He said you seemed more depressed, but he didn’t say it wasthisbad.”
“Do you think I’m that stupid? I knew when he was lurking. He wasn’t as conspicuous as you both thought. Of course, I was going to put on a show. I couldn’t have you coming after me yourself,” she retorts as she leans against the wall.
“As far as the Dmitri thing goes…” I place my hands on the counter behind me as I lean against it, giving us just a bit more space for her sake. “I didn’t mean to make it worse. You asked me not to lie to you anymore. I know this was huge, but I was keeping a promise that I made to you. My intention wasn’t to throw anything in your face, Natalia.”
“I know. That part is my fault, I suppose. I just didn’t expect that bombshell to be dropped on me,” she mumbles, looking down at her feet momentarily before her eyes find mine again. “I was thinking more on the lines of keeping the businesses above water, not a brother back from the dead. No one could have prepared me for that, though. Not even you.”
“I’m sorry,mo ghrá.For everything.” I push off the counter and slowly walk over to her. “I know that you’re hurting, but Natalia, so am I. Ijustfound out about the baby. Not only found out, but then was told that the baby didn’t survive. Don’t you think it affects me too? This wasourbaby. I know there was nothing we could have done, the damage your father created is permanent. We both lost something we would have loved more than life itself. It’s okay to not want to feel everything. What’s not okay is drinking yourself into oblivion.” I whisper gently, cupping her face in my hands. I try to tell her everything on my mind as gently as possible. I don’t want her to run from me again because of her emotions.
“Please, baby. You can do anything else that your heart desires. Hit me.Screamat me. Hell, you can even shoot me if it’ll make you feel better. Just promise me that you won’t keep doing this to yourself. I need you more than anything. Watching you drink yourself into oblivion isn’t going to make the pain hurt any less. It will only postpone how you feel. You can hurt me anyway you want, tell me what other outlets you need, and I’ll make it happen. Just promise me, Nat.”
“I can’t promise you that.” She closes her eyes, leaning into my touch. She hums softly, basking in the connection between us. “I’m not strong enough to survive without numbing the pain, Declan. I don’t think I can live with the crushing weight…”
“Bullshit. You arethestrongest woman I know. You are Natalia fucking O’Connor,” I emphasize, removing my hands from her face. Taking her chin, I grip it with my thumb and forefinger, forcing her to look at me. “Don’t youeverforget that. Do you hear me? You are the heir to one of the most powerful families in the world and married to the other one. The strongest people go through the hardest downfalls. I don’t want to hear you talking down about yourself again, do you understand?”
She nods slightly, a stray tear finally breaking free and rolling down her face. Leaning my forehead against hers, she lets out a relieved sigh. I reciprocate the notion, silently thanking her for letting me in.
“I am your husband. Whenever things get too heavy for you, that’s what I’m here for. For you to lean on, for you to vent to. I’m here for you. I’ve been yours since we were children, and I always will be. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be this cold-hearted killer every second of every day, Natalia. It’s okay to have bad days, and I want you to let me in when you need to.” I vow to her before leaning down and pressing my lips gently to her lips, mumbling words of encouragement.
“I’m sorry for acting like a bitch,” she sniffles, pressing her lips harder into mine. Beaming, I move back just a bit to see her eyes sparkling with renewed confidence.
“Don’t apologize to me. You have been through so much in the last year alone, let alone the five years that you had to endure altogether. I would be worried if you didn’t act like one.” I tease, sliding my arms around her and pulling her into my embrace.
“Can you stay with me just a little longer?” She questions, her voice muffled as she buries it into my chest. Her shift from not wanting me around at all to staying longer has my chest humming with joy.
“Absolutely,” I agree. “I just need to tell Finn.”
