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“A long week?” Natalia raises an eyebrow. I laugh, shaking my head at the spitfire in front of me.
“A long year,” I correct myself, taking Natalia’s hand. I kiss her knuckles before waving to our friends. “We will see you guys tomorrow, be safe.”
Once inside the car, I begin the short drive home. Finn only lives a few miles down the road from me, so it makes the commutes pretty easy. Eric wasn’t too keen on letting me drive but since it was only a few miles and my injuries were healing well, he decided it would be okay. He let me know that he doesn’t advise it and if I crashed, he would be sure to let me know how he felt about it.
Although the ride is rather short, Natalia is silent for the entire duration. She just stares out the window, unmoving. I can’t tell if something is bothering her, or if she is just tired. Her facial features don’t indicate that she’s upset, so I assume it’s the latter.
When I pull into the garage, I shut the car off and turn to face Natalia. “Are you okay?” I ask her, reaching for her hand.
“Hmm? Oh, yeah. I’m okay,” she comments, but I can tell that she is far off, lost in thought. “I’m just trying to decompress and process things.” She takes my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“I understand,” I murmur with a nod. “Let’s go on in, I’m exhausted.”
Climbing out of the car, we make our way into our quiet house. Usually I stop in my office to check on things, but tonight, all I want to do is take a nice long shower and cuddle up with Natalia. This last week has shown me that I have been lacking in family time, that all of our families are missing us. It’s taken me getting tortured by my own father to realize that these little things matter, but I refuse to allow myself to turn into the man I never want to be.
Finishing up my shower, I dry off and get dressed. Stepping into the bedroom, my eyes fall upon the sight I longed for every single night over the last nine months. Natalia is sprawled out on top of the comforter in nothing but my black button-up shirt and her underwear. Her auburn hair fans out over the pillow like a halo, her eyes closed as she sleeps peacefully.
Climbing into bed behind her, I wrap my arm around her waist and gently pull her back against my chest, being careful not to disturb her wound. She shifts slightly, her hand moves to rest on mine, mumbling something in her sleep.
My eyes close as I inhale a deep breath of her warm vanilla sugar shampoo, instantly relaxing. Falling asleep hasn’t been as easy in the last few months as it has been these last few nights that I’ve had her in my arms again. It doesn’t take long before I’m shutting my eyes, listening to the steady intake and exhale of her breathing.
Chapter thirty-four
Finn
“I’msoexhausted,”Igroan as I slowly climb into bed. The sheet gets tangled on my cast and I try to kick it off, but it just makes everything worse. Irritation grows quickly, and all I want to do is punch the wall. “Fuck this motherfucking casts, these injuries,fuck.”
“Honey,” Skylar says softly, coming over to my side of the bed and unraveling the sheet from my body. “There.” She places her hands on her hips, giving me a stern look, her eyes remain hard, which indicates that I may not be able to talk myself out of this one. I gulp. “You need to chill out. If you weren’t always trying to rage like a bull in a china shop then you wouldn’t get tangled up so much.”
“Yes, dear,” I grumble, looking down at my hands. “This just sucks so much. I hate not being able to do anything.”
“You want to know what really sucks? Not knowing if your husband is alive. I know you’re struggling with your injuries, I get it. I understand that you’re in pain and having to get used to a new way of living. But when you’re sitting in a safe house because your husband’s best friend's wife calls and sounds like she’s about to shit herself when she is rarely ever frazzled? That’s a whole new level of panic. Do you know the thoughts that went through my head? The ways I might have to tell your daughter that her father isn’t coming back? Ways that I’m going to have to tell the little girl who adores her father more than life itself that her daddy won’t be back. That her dad will never be coming home again because a mean man in this world didn’t think her daddy was worthy enough to come home? What about when Ava has her first father-daughter dance and can’t participate because her daddy is dead? When she gets her first boyfriend and her daddy can’t protect her from the men of the world during her first heartbreak? When she finally finds a man who is deemed worthy enough for her, but yet, her daddy can’t walk her down the aisle? Did you stop to think about the milestones that your daughter would miss because you were gone? What about the shit I’d have to face because you died?
“What about the baby that you’d never get to meet? Did you stop and think for a moment that I’d have to brave a brand new baby all on my own? This baby, who may be a boy, would look exactly like his father. This baby who would remind me of the man I loved the most, gone like he never existed. What would happen when the baby has to learn to drive? He needs to have the talk about girls, have the talk about reproduction? Try and explain to a child that their daddy died and have to relive that grief over and over again? You haven’t even stopped to think about the impact your death would have had. Yet, you sit here and complain because you came out with some broken bones,” she snaps while she glares at me, crossing her arms over her chest. I see a lone tear slip from her eye as she fights back the sobs, shoulders shaking. Suddenly, she tosses her arms in the air in exasperation. “It’s been a week, Finn. Afuckingweek! You are so focused on the negative that you haven’t stopped to think about the fact that you’realive. I’ve tried to be patient with you. I’ve been grateful every single day that we get to keep you in our lives for a while longer. I’ve been grateful to anyone listening that you’re still on this earth with me, withus.I know you’re still adjusting and it’s only been a week. I promise you that I’ve tried, but damn it Finley, it’s time to grow up. It’s time for you to quit grumbling and moaning because you don’t get what you want. Be fucking grateful that you didn’t die. Be grateful that Ava and this baby still have a daddy. Be appreciative that you’ll be able to have some of those milestones with your children. I’m sick of you being so pessimistic all the time. Stop for just a few minutes and thank the above that you’re still here. You walk around with a giant gray cloud over your head.”
“You want to know what breaks my heart the most? Ava came to me yesterday. Our four year old was in tears and so scared to talk to you about it because even she noticed that you were off. She asked what was wrong with her daddy. I told her that you went through some hard stuff and were taking time to come around. She said that she is scared to have you in her bed because you’re not very nice when it comes time to read books. That you tell her that you can’t do it because of the mean men. When you talk to her, you scare her. She said the way you talk to her isn’t very nice. That little girl has looked up to you, followed in your footsteps for the last three years. You’ve never given her a reason to be scared, but things you tell her? She rarely wants to do story time with you anymore. She cried when I told her to come get you for story time. She didn’t want to. She was in literal tears, Finn. Not one of those fake cries, she was sobbing. How about you stop for a minute and take into consideration that you’re alive and treat us with a little more respect for having to put up with your ungrateful ass.”
A wave of guilt runs through me. I go to open my mouth, but she spins around, storming into the bathroom and slamming the door. I stare at the door in shock, trying to process the emotional overload she just dumped on me. My poor wife. She has been so patient with me, listening while I complain about any and all inconveniences. I don’t give her enough credit, but she’s right.Fuck.
Spearing my hand through my hair, I grunt in frustration with myself.My daughter is afraid of me?Tears well in my eyes at the thought that my own wife is feeling this way toward me. I’ve worked so hard to try and keep my girls happy, yet, here I am… making it a thousand times worse.
She finally comes out of the bathroom, her eyes red and puffy with anguish. She’s changed into pajamas, her hair tied up. Reaching my hand out to her, she shakes her head, hugging herself tightly. My heart drops into my stomach, nausea heating my body. She skirts around the bed, not getting close enough for me to touch her.
“Baby,” I trail, watching the bun on the top of her head bobble while she shakes her head again.
“I think…” she fades. I follow her gaze, her eyes set on the bedroom door. She takes another step, but I stop her, struggling to get off the bed.
“Please, Sky,” I plead, my tears from earlier finally tipping over the edge. “Please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry, baby.”
“I just need time and space,” she whispers, tucking closer to the wall.
“Don’t shut me out. I need you. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I sob, watching her eyes glisten in sorrow. “I need you, Skylar. I need you, and Ava, and the new baby. I need you all in my life. Without you, I’m nothing but a soulless man. You’ve given me life. Please.” Hobbling toward her, I notice her immediate instinct to help me kicks in, before she stops herself quickly. Reaching out, I take her hand in mine, entwining our fingers. She doesn’t stop me from touching her, so that’s a good sign.
“Stay,” I mutter, kissing her knuckles. She contemplates for a moment before nodding softly, almost unnoticeable.
Pulling her down onto the bed beside me, we sit together in silence for a few moments, my eyes finding hers.
“Baby, I’m sorry.” Cupping her cheek with my hand, my thumb gently swipes across it as I take in the tired, teary expression on her face. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t realize what was happening around me, I’ve been focused solely on myself.You’re right.I’ve been insufferable. I promise that I will try to do better. I promise I’ll make it up to you and Ava. I’m so sorry.”
