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He moved on without me, while I was stuck grieving him.
“Hey, babe. We better get going,” Ansleigh mutters, checking the time on her phone with a sigh.
Placing Sutton on the ground after giving her a big hug, I stand. Dmitri and Ansleigh come over to Declan and I, giving us hugs and saying their goodbyes. I call for Harlow, who comes bounding in the room with a smile.
Bending down, I scoop her up in my arms and give her a big hug. Letting her go, she runs over to Declan who does the same. Kissing the top of her head, she giggles at the man that many people would deem scary.
We sit on the porch bench and watch them pack up, my husband keeping me on his lap. Once the rest of their luggage is loaded into the car, Delcan pulls me closer, his arms wrapped around me tightly as we watch them back out and drive toward the airport.
“Come on, I want to take you somewhere,” Declan whispers softly in my ear. Standing from his lap, I reach my hand out, waiting on him to take it. Rolling my eyes as he stands without my assistance, I turn and head to the bike. He grabs my hips from behind, bringing his front to my back. Nipping my ear, he whispers dirty things about my ass. Shivering, I shove him off me with a laugh. Declan swiftly straddles the beast, and I climb on behind him. I place my hands just like he showed me previously and rest my head on his back. I close my eyes as the bike roars to life below me, the soft hum allowing my body to fully relax.
Chapter thirty-eight
Natalia
Whenwecometoa stop, I immediately recognize the location. Looking around, I admire the open area.Our spot at the lake. My lips lift in a small smile, appreciation for the simple things this man does for me. Declan helps me off the bike, leading me over to the rock where so many core memories were formed.
Sitting down, I pull my knees to my chest, resting my chin on top with a sigh. Declan sits beside me, his hand finding my back and rubbing soothing circles. We sit in silence for a while, the sound of water floating on the sand bringing us peace.
“It’s been so long since I’ve been out here,” I whisper, looking out over the water. The white wash of the water floats over the mud, slowly receding back into the lake before being pushed back forward.
“We were sixteen,” Declan comments, following my gaze with a far off look in his eye, no doubt reminiscing in the memory as well. “Right before the fallout.”
“Right before the fallout,” I confirm sadly, my eyes following the waves. “Things were so different,” I look over at him, a sad smile on my face as he meets my eyes. “We were babies.”
“That we were,” he agrees and places his arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer into him. “The things we did… we had such good times. This is where I realized I really loved you. Where I was able to just sit and think. Stare at the water, let it give me the answers to what I needed.” We sit in comfortable silence for what seems like hours, just enjoying the comfort of each other’s company with no worries. Well, partially no worries. There is always something that needs to be worried about, but other things don’t need to be.
My mind is racing at the speed of light, trying to catch up with the last eight years of my life. I have one topic in particular that I had planned on discussing with him this evening when I thought it was just going to be a quiet night at home. Now that we actually have a chance to talk, my nerves are getting the best of me. Taking another moment, I exhale slowly.
“Declan,” I clear my throat and look up at him, fidgeting with my wedding rings. My stomach is in knots, but I have put off this conversation long enough. My hands feel shaky as I work to relax them.
“Yeah, baby?” He looks down at me, his smile slipping when he sees the serious expression on my face. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”
“I know the first time this was brought up, you said that we would talk about it when we needed to…” Gulping, I look down at the rock, picking up a small pebble and tossing it across the water before me. “I think it’s time we talked.”
“You can talk to me about anything, Nat,” he assures, pulling a few strands of hair away from my face. He leans over, kissing my shoulder softly.
Taking a deep breath, I ready myself to say the words that I’ve dreaded for weeks now. The words I never thought I’d say because it was something I wanted more than anything. My one purpose in this world, and I can’t even provide that simple aspect to my husband.
“I don’t want to try for more children.” The words leave my mouth, and I instantly feel relief. The weight of the confession lifting off my chest. My heart squeezes in nerves, but my whole body feels lighter. One sentence, eight words, twenty-nine letters. That’s all it took for me to no longer feel as though I was keeping the biggest secret of my life.
He turns his attention to the lake once more, his eyes glossing over. His throat bobs as he swallows hard, the audible gulp echoes in my head. He’s deep in thought as he mulls over my statement, not giving anything away in his expression. The relief that I previously felt quickly dissipates as an anxious feeling takes hold. Pressure resumes on my chest, waiting for him to say something.Anything.The silence that stretches between us is almost uncomfortable, my stomach churning as I allow him to process everything I just dumped on him. Just when I think that I’ve upset him, he speaks.
“I’m not going to lie. I would absolutely love to have mini versions of us running around,” he says, his voice soft while keeping his gaze on the lake. I try to read his facial expressions to gauge how he is feeling, but his face is neutral, giving no emotional indications. “I won’t lie and say that I haven’t envisioned a mini you running after her brother, trying to be just like the boys. I’ve imagined what it would be like to watch you give birth, blessing me with the wonderful version of life. I’ve imagined how you’d cry for the first time in ages because you were finally ready to have our baby out of you. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t pretend to watch your stomach grow before everything happened all those years ago. Seeing two or three little blue-eyed babies running around, chomping at the bit to get into the world of their parents. Watching them cling onto one of us for dear life when we have to go out… I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed.” He stops suddenly, keeping his eyes forward. My chest feels like it’s ready to cave, breathing almost difficult.
“I know…” I trail off, the guilt eating me alive. I’ve kept him from something that he had talked about all the time growing up. All he ever wanted was to have kids, be a better father than we had. “I’m so sorry. If that’s something you want… if that’s something you still desire, I’d understand if you didn’t want to be with me.” My voice is barely a whisper, the knots in my stomach tighten in terror, and silent tears slip down my cheeks. I’d never keep him from his dreams, this specific one being the biggest of them all. Having said it though, it feels as if my heart will give out on me if he decides to accept it.
“Natalia,” he gasps in surprise. Declan grabs my chin, forcing me to look at him. He searches my eyes before his own turn sad. “I told you before that it wasn’t a deal breaker for me,” he pauses and takes a deep breath, going to say something else, but I interrupt him.
“I saw the way you looked at the twins today, how you act every time we are around Ava. I see the way you light up a room when you know there are little ones around. Watching that smile on your face, Declan… I know that you want kids,” my voice shakes, my bottom lip quivers, more tears streaking down my cheeks in anguish. “I don’t want to take that away from you, I refuse to let you be unhappy because of me. You’ve long for kids, and I won’t allow myself to step in the way. If it makes you happier, I will gladly step aside for you to live that dream. I can’t have you resenting me because of it,” I sob, my body wracking in silent torment.
Declan lets out a frustrated sigh, his hand darting through his hair in irritation. “Let me finish, Nat,” he croaks, his own emotions taking over him. I close my mouth, and he nods when he realizes that I’m waiting patiently for him to continue. “Yes, I want kids. Yes, I absolutely would love to have childrenwith you. I want you more than anything else in this life. I went without you for over nine months. The time you were away was unlike anything I’d experienced. When we were separated through our teens, I was devastated, but we found each other again for a reason. Then, I fucked up. Royally screwed everything over because I thought I was protecting you.
“Guess what? We’ve found our way back home once again. We’ve overcomesomany trials and tribulations. You’ve overcome losing so many things, and I wasn’t there to help you through it. I wasn’t able to be there for you, and I refuse to let you push me away.Youare what’s important to me, baby. We knew that it would be a challenge for you to get pregnant, and even then, there’s no guarantee that you would make it to term. We were both well aware of the potential that we wouldn’t be able to have kids. I was willing to stay with you then, and it doesn't change now. I don’t want to put you through another loss. Iwon’tput you through another loss, over something as trivial as having children. If we choose, we could always adopt if that’s something we both want. I don’t care whether we have them or not, Natalia. I want to make that clear. I refuse to lose you to the alcohol again,mo ghrá. Having you by my side, that’s all that I need.Youare all I need. A world without you is a world I never want to think about. I don’t need kids to be happy, I don’t need to be the Don, I don’t need luxury or material items. I just needyou,” he croaks, his voice filled with sorrow as tears stream down his face. He reaches out, grabbing my hand and pulling me into his lap. Sobs wrack my body as I cling onto him for dear life.What did I ever do to deserve this man?We both cry for a while, releasing our pent up emotional trauma over the loss we will forever experience. The deprivation of childhood love morphed through adulthood, with overwhelming intensity as we relive our nightmares coming to life.
“I won’t let you refuse yourself something you’ve dreamed of since childhood,” I cry softly, my tears soaking through his shirt. Pulling away, he holds me back from him and stares directly into my eyes. His eyes are bright blue from the tears we’ve shared, twinkling with sadness and longing.
“I won’t let you go, Natalia.I refuse to let you go. I will say that over and over again until you get it through your head.”
