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Burying my face into his chest, I let out a shaky breath. He’s right.He’s right.Who knows what would happen if we were to experience another loss? I don’t think I’d be able to relive something as devastating as that again.
I barely made it through this one alive.
My arms slip around his waist, his instinctively wrapping around me once more.
“I mean it, Natalia,” he murmurs, placing a soft kiss to the top of my head. “I won’t lose you. I love you more than life itself. I think I proved it by now. I think we can be the cool aunt and uncle that sugars them up and sends them home,” he teases, rocking us back and forth. A small giggle releases from me, snot and tears mixing together. I try to hide, but he doesn’t let me, wiping it all away with the cuff of his jacket.
“I love you,” I whisper. He hums in acceptance, silence stretching for a moment.
“We will be Aunt Na and Uncle D. Between Dmitri and Finn, we will have plenty of babies to spoil. They’re going to be baby popping machines. We can take them on fun adventures when they’re old enough to remember, then send them home until the next day.” My racing thoughts seem to slow as he continues to murmur reassuring words in my ear. He continues to confirm that everything will be okay, and I think I’m starting to believe them.
Chapter thirty-nine
Declan
Idon’twanttotry for more children…
All I’ve ever wanted since I was younger was a family of my own. My father was an asshole, yes. My mother however, was an angel. I knew that I wanted to marry someone who would treat our kids the way theyshouldbe treated. I wanted to give someone the world, the same way my mother gave that to us.
Looking down at the woman in my arms, I have no doubts that Natalia would be the one who could fit that bill. The fact that she was so nervous to talk about the situation only solidifies that she’s the angel I need. She didn’t want to lose me, yet she was willing to let me go because she thought it would make me happy. She may have wanted to keep me for herself, but she selflessly took into account that it had been my dream to have children.
To hear her say that she didn’t want kids cuts through my heart. I honestly felt like a piece of me shriveled up and died in that moment. I understand her reasoning.She's scared.She’s gone through more loss than a normal person having lost her brother, then her parents, then me… it was a lot. I understand when she says that she doesn’t have the capacity to endure anymore loss.
I don’t either. Although our fears are a bit different. My biggest fear is losing her.Again.In any form. I lost her twice because of my father. I allowed him to play a bigger role in my life than I should have, but there was nothing I could do about it at the time. He owned me. Then I lost her behind a bottle of alcohol. Her biggest struggle was learning how to not result in drinking. She may not have said it, but I could see a yearning in her eyes when others would drink, yet she refused. When I told her I didn’t need kids to be happy, I wasn’t lying.I really don’t.It doesn’t make it hurt any less though. If anything, it made everything hurt even more. It became real that we won’t be able to have kids. It solidified that we were no longer willing to try and have children, and I refuse to put her life at risk for a child she may never meet. Bless the woman in my arms, because I can guarantee it took a lot of strength for her to tell me, not knowing how long she’s even held it in for.
Patting her thigh, we stand from the rock, making our way back to the bike. I straddle it, helping her on like usual. Neither of us say anything as we situate ourselves, too lost in our own thoughts.
When we got home from the lake, Natalia decided she wanted to go to bed. Looking into her eyes, I could tell that she wanted me to join, but I declined. I am too amped up to sleep. A bomb was dropped on me, after I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking about how much further our lives would go together. Apparently, it’s just her and I. I’m not complaining though. I was serious when I told her that I was miserable for every single time she was away.
She’s my lifeline, and I refuse to let her drown.
I watch her walk away slowly, before heading the opposite direction.Walking into my office, I pour myself three fingers of whiskey before going over and sitting down in my leather chair. Slouching back into the cushion, I scrub my hand over my face. I don’t want to push the issue with Natalia, because I know that I will come off as an insensitive jerk. It will just take me longer to come to terms with it. I try to process everything we talked about, but there is a lot to unpack. The trauma that she endured while I was away for both events is more than enough for three people, let alone one woman.
Ultimately, I knew this was a strong possibility once she revealed to me that Ivan had shot her. I still held out hope, though. I hoped that she would still be able to carry to term, but seeing as the baby didn’t make it, I can’t ask her to do that again. Who knows if or when the embryo would actually grow into a fetus before miscarrying. Taking a long drink from my glass I stare blankly at the paperwork on my desk.
I’m not sure how long I sit in my office, long enough to finish four glasses of whiskey. When I place my now empty glass on the desk in front of me, Natalia appears in the doorway. She rests her shoulder against the door frame, arms crossed over her chest. My eyes go to the hem of the white t-shirt she’s wearing as it creeps up her thigh.
“Come to bed, Declan,” her voice thick with sleep as she rubs her eyes.
“I’m coming.” I stand from my chair, leaving the glass. Walking over to her, I slip my hand around her hip and to her ass, giving it a quick squeeze. Giving my chest a quick smack, she places her hand over mine, pulling it off her ass and lacing our fingers together. Natalia leads me out of my office and upstairs to the bedroom.
Stepping out of my pants, I keep my boxers on as I unbutton my shirt and toss it to the side. Climbing in behind Natalia, who already has her back to me, I wrap my arms around her and pull her tightly against my chest.
As I lay here listening to her steady breathing, I close my eyes, my fingertips traveling up and down her hip. Thinking back over the last year, every second that we were apart all I could think about was burning the world down to get her back in my arms.
Now that she’s back, I’ll do anything to keep her here. If that means giving up my dreams of being a dad, then so be it.She’s worth everything and more.
“I love you, Mrs. O’Connor,” I whisper, kissing the side of her head. A soft hum leaves her lips as I trail my fingers over her skin.
“I love you too, Mr. O’Connor.” Leaning back, she tilts her head up, where I place my lips against hers. Her hand slowly tangles in my hair, keeping me against her. She tries to deepen it, but I keep it steady and slow. “Declan,” she whimpers, turning her body to face mine.
“What do you need,mo ghrá?”
“You.” Throwing her leg over my body, she pushes me onto my back, hands splayed against my chest. A surprised grunt escapes me as I look at the woman straddling me.
“Baby,” I try, but she shakes her head, seizing my words as she leans forward to kiss me gently, hands tangling in my hair. My arms wrap around her body, holding her close, almost afraid that she might dissolve into thin air if I don’t keep her here. She tugs at my roots, tilting my head to the side as she places kisses across my neck.
I keep myself controlled. She was vulnerable earlier, giving away a piece of herself that we both once longed for. This is her way of taking that control back, taking back the decisions of her life. My hands perch themselves on her hips, squeezing harder as she starts to rock against my erection. Whimpers and mewls slip out of her as she takes what she wants. She sits up, positioning herself better as she rolls her clothed pussy over my covered length. Moving my hands from her hips, I grip her thighs tightly as I help guide her closer to the edge.
