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Chapter One
Ian finishes with one last lunge inside me and then he’s done, regardless of whether he made me come or not. He rolls off me and onto his back, panting like he just ran the 100m, though for whose benefit he just exerted himself, I don’t know – certainly not mine. It used to be so hot between us, but now it’s crap. Even he doesn’t seem to enjoy it.
He rolls away and disposes of the condom, walking to the bathroom without any gesture of thanks at all – no hug, no kiss, no “I love you” – that’s it.
Everyone said when we got together it wouldn’t work. I was twenty-one, he was thirty-three. Three years on, it’s like he’s approaching the knacker’s yard, but I’m still incredibly young – and I want to live my life to the full.
“I’ve got that thing tonight, remember?” he shouts from the bathroom, in that Irish brogue I used to love.
“Yeah, I’m meeting friends in Leeds.”
“Cool, sounds like a plan,” he yells, but his decibels fail to mask what it is he’s doing on the toilet.
He turns on the shower and gets to it. I’m as much a part of his morning routine as the rest of it. Yay, go me!
I meet my friends at the trendy and up-itself Alchemist Bar in Leeds Centre. They’re all waiting for me at one of those coveted seating areas. It’s normally standing room only in this place.
“Hey, hey, hey!” I greet them.
Sass, Chloe and Marie all welcome me with hugs and kisses.
Sass (short for Saskia) is the more outspoken one and asks, “So, how’s it going?”
I take a long drink of whatever it is they got me and sigh loudly. “It’s going alright.”
They all look at me, not convinced. I’m a rubbish liar.
“How’s Ian?” It’s Marie this time.
Marie is already married, up the duff and has a great job. She’s all set. She did the right thing and found a bloke who’s only a couple of years older.
“He’s fine. And guess what? I’m nearly finished at Manchester. I can’t wait!” I sip some more of my drink, which I realise is a vodka martini and will probably kill me. They know I’m a lightweight and must have bought me this to loosen my tongue.
I can’t admit they were right – I won’t.
I rode out here on the train tonight from mine and Ian’s little flat in Salford, willing myself to keep it together, but somehow, they already seem to know things aren’t good between us.
“Come on, Lily,” Chloe croons, a future barrister in the making, “you don’t look happy. You haven’t for quite a while.”
For quite a while? That’s strange. It’s only the past couple of months that I’ve started to look in the mirror and see the truth, but maybe this has been going on for longer than I thought. Am I a classic case of denial?
“Is he having an affair?” Sass asks.
I laugh in her face. “Oh my god, no.”
“So, what is it?” Marie presses. “Is he a wanker? What?”
The other girls chuckle but when my face falls, their laughter dies instantly.
“We’re just in a rough spell. It’ll get better,” I excuse. “Anyway, tell me about the baby. Tell me all your news. Enough about me.”
Marie is excited to start talking about all the gross things she has to look forward to. She’s decided not to find out the sex even though her husband Adrian really wants to know.
I get lost in listening to her, then to Sass whose job in marketing is going really well, and Chloe, who is training to be a barrister and it shows – she’s drinking doubles.
We all grew up in Leeds but for some of us, life has taken us elsewhere. Still, every once in a while, we get together where it all began. Sass and I go as far back as primary school.
By the end of the evening, my ears are ringing. Marie already got picked up an hour ago and it’s time I got going or I’ll miss the last train. Sass and Chloe share a place in London where they both live and work, proper adults and everything. Whenever they visit their home up north, they always stay with Chloe’s mother and this weekend is no different. They even try to offer me a bed for the night at her place. However, it’ll be much more than that – it’ll be oodles more alcohol, then more talk of Ian. Sleepovers are quite a thing of the past for me.
