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Wow.
What a dumb bitch I am.
Paul comes towards me, moving up the bed. I still have my face pressed into the pillow, sobbing, when he pulls the duvet back a little to stroke my hair.
“I ought to take Theo and Steve round there and fucking smash his shit up. What a tosser.”
I bite back a snicker, loving his aggrieved tone of voice, though I can’t imagine Paul ever hurting anyone. He’s not like that. I know his brothers, his mum and dad, his cousins and his grandparents. We all grew up knowing each other’s families. I know who Paul is. He isn’t remotely like Ian. The problem is, I’m ready for marriage now. I’m ready to have a family and settle down, be in love and buy a house. I want to have that closeness we had the other night. I want to lie in bed together every night forever, holding each other, nothing between us.
However, Paul might not ever want those things. I seem to fall for these men who are hopeless and want exactly the opposite of what I do.
We’ve liked each other for years and it’s been no secret, but he never acted on it until he saw me miserable and thought he could save me. Well, he well and truly fucked it all up. I didn’t get to save myself and dump Ian. I got thrown out, made to feel like a tramp and saw the true colours of a wretch I once thought I loved.
Wasted time.
“Let me make you some toast and a cup of tea and we can talk about it.” Paul moves the covers back a few inches more, stroking my cheek and reaching for my hand.
I consider his offer for a moment, knowing he’s not just offering tea and toast, but possibly another night of complication.
I know exactly how I feel and what I want, but he doesn’t. He’s clueless and I don’t need that, not after everything I’ve been through.
“Paul, unless you’re here to tell me you’re serious about us, we can’t be friends anymore. I’m sorry, but we crossed the line. You didn’t just fuck me, you made love to me. You kissed every inch of my body. I swallowed your cum. You held me as I slept. You kissed me even as you flooded my body. You made me feel things I’d never felt, but sadly it came at a cost. I was working up to leaving him. I was getting there. I feel like this is worse. And the only thing that would make me feel better is you finally admitting I’m the one. Otherwise, you can shove your tea and sympathy toast right where the sun don’t shine.”
I wait for him to prove me wrong, but he only ends up proving me right.
He leaves the house, posting the key back through the letterbox.
I pull the duvet back over my head and stare at the blackness in front of me.
It’ll take time, but I’ll get me back.
Chapter Seven
It’s summer, August to be precise. I turned twenty-five a couple of months ago and I can’t believe I’m watching my friend get married who’s the same age as me. I know Marie already got married and now has a baby boy, but this is different. This is Adam, the most laidback guy who never, not once when we were growing up, ever expressed an interest in settling down. But now he’s marrying his Susan and it’s official and everything.
Being a beautiful sunny day, they’re marrying outside on the lawn of Oulton Hall, a beautiful 18th-century former country pile turned hotel. There are white chairs set out in rows, decorated with ribbons, and the aisle has a floral arch all the way down. It’s picturesque. All I can think is that Susan’s family must be loaded because I know Adam’s aren’t. They still live in a terrace house in one of the worst parts of Leeds, though Adam’s now a copywriter and earns a decent wage befitting of his Susan.
The music starts and I turn to look at Theo beside me. Theo and I have been spending more time together recently, ever since I broke up with Ian. There’s nothing between us in that way, we’re just friends, but he is a comforting constant and I’ve begun to rely on his kind, listening ear more than anyone else’s.
I haven’t told anyone about what happened between me and Paul, and I don’t think he has either – because nobody has come up and asked me straight, “Did you and Paul really…?” I can’t even tell Theo because I’m still cut up about it all – and also embarrassed and ashamed. Cheating is not something to be proud of and certainly not something anyone would ever expect of me.
“Are you okay?” I whisper, squeezing Theo’s hand as Susan floats down the centre aisle.
“She looks beautiful,” he says, quickly swiping at the unwelcome tear balancing on his lashes.
As bride walks towards groom, he wipes a tear away, too. Shocking, as Adam has never been a crier for as long as I’ve known him. Maybe this is why Theo’s so cut up – she has that effect on people.
I don’t think there’s a dry eye around, except for mine, and that’s only because of what happened to me eight months ago. My heart is frozen shut because that’s the only way to survive, right?
I lean over and whisper into Theo’s ear, “Aren’t you sad abouthimmarrying off? I am.”
He leans into me and whispers against my ear, “Hush, Lily. Later.”
Theo is the most camp of all the men I know and yet he’s absolutely straight. He has to be because he has a crush on Susan. I mean, he’s gorgeous and a lovely man, so why can’t I love him? Surely, he could be turned to monogamy? Eventually they all have to accept that people only live longer if they have a significant other at their side, rabbiting on about eating healthy, drinking less and getting enough sleep – right?
Only problem is, I’ve had to listen to him constantly bore on until the wee hours on many an occasion, going over and over his crush on Susan and what there is to be done about it. Perhaps Theo and I should resign ourselves and get together as life partners or something. At least he’s not an abusive thug. Plus, he’s the only friend I can stomach right now, because all my female friends either want to know the ins and outs of me and Ian – or set me up on a blind date to help me ‘move on’. Yeah, right.
Theo squeezes both hands around mine and looks sombre as he watches his best friend prepare to marry his bride. She really does look beautiful, though. Her dress is simple, elegant, silk with a lace overlay. High collar, buttons galore, dainty cuffs, also buttoned. Her train isn’t extravagant, not simple either. Her dark-brown hair is in an updo and rather than a veil, she’s gone for twinkling hair decorations and a sizeable tiara. She’s slender but incredibly feminine. As she glides towards Adam, to the tune of ‘All of Me’ by John Legend, I wonder if this is the start of it…
