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Weddings… then babies… then we all drift apart.
Susan and Adam are certainly setting a precedent by having a civil ceremony, turning their backs on Adam’s Catholic upbringing and her Polish-Jewish traditions. They’re off on a new adventure, starting their own unique dynasty… if that’s what they want.
God, I wish that was me.
As the ceremony gets underway, Theo drinks a swig from the hip flask he just took out of his pocket. Passing it to me, I take a sip too. Then I take his hand and hold it again as we watch the apparent love of his life say ‘I do’ to his best friend. Worse yet, he’s been asked to do a reading and is working his way up to it, I know.
When the time comes for him to get up and readSonnet 116, my heart breaks for him as he walks to the front, belts it out like a true orator and even smiles.
I’ve tried to convince him it’s not healthy for him to linger on her, that it’s a crush and when it comes to love, that goes a whole lot deeper than lust, which is what he’s probably feeling. But who am I to talk? I haven’t been with anyone else since Paul. I’m in love with him. I think about him every minute of every day. For me, he’s what Susan is to Theo. The difference is, I’ve tasted the goods and it’s too late for me. Perhaps Theo still has a chance of getting over his crush and finding someone who feels the same way about him.
When Theo returns to his seat he’s shaking and I put my arm around him. He takes another drink and looks down into his lap, perhaps blocking out what comes next.
After the ceremony is over and everyone’s thrown the confetti and drinks are starting to emerge on the lawn, served by waiters on silver trays, Theo rushes off into the trees behind us and I’m about to go after him when Paul comes up to me, dashing and gorgeous in a grey suit, being that he’s one of Adam’s many ushers. I thought if anyone might be Adam’s best man it would be Paul, who he’s known since they first started playing football together as seven-year-olds. If not Paul, then perhaps Theo, who joined our school late on but hit it off with Adam before he made friends with anyone else. The pair of them share the same passion for high culture and literature. And yet, for some reason, Adam went with a colleague from work as his best man. This guy, who none of us know, organised a stag do at a pool club and put £50 behind the bar. They were buying their own drinks after the first round and from what Theo told me, they tied the guy to the toilet and tore Adam away, taking him clubbing. I do wonder if Susan had a say in who was to be his best man. After all, Theo, Paul and our ever-absent friend Tom (working abroad), plus the regular stragglers, would all have foisted a wild stag night on Adam, who has rarely been allowed out since he met the girl. Chloe and Marie refuse point blank to discuss what it is they dislike about Susan, and all Saskia ever does when she’s mentioned is pull a face. For someone so desperate not to get wrinkles, that kind of says it all. The consensus among us all is: Susan bad, Adam whipped.
“I’ll go,” Paul says, brushing a kiss across my cheek before running after Theo.
I touch my cheek and it’s scalding. If that isn’t evidence enough that I’m past the point of no return, I don’t know what is.
After the speeches and the cake is cut, there’s a break before the night-time festivities. I have a taxi booked for ten p.m. so after the first dance and a bit of buffet food later on, I’ll be out of here. Theo can come with me, or I’ll go alone, I don’t care. I’ll be gone, though. Done my duty. Done.
I’m currently wandering the halls of this beautiful stately wedding venue, admiring the art with a glass of fizz in my hand. I’m all cried out after listening to the father-of-the-bride speech. It hit home that Adam has actually found himself a really lovely girl and he’s happy. For so long we’ve all sat around and bitched about Susan as if she’s the devil incarnate, taking Adam away from us, when actually he couldn’t have found a nicer girl and we ought to bloody well grow up. I suppose maybe what we don’t like about her in reality – is that she and Adam are making all the rest of us look bad. They’re dedicated to one another, committed and truly happy. Would Susan put up with a boyfriend who constantly called her paranoid, even when she wasn’t? Nope. Susan’s solid, that’s why Adam’s happy. That’s why he’s no longer a layabout. He has his Susan. None of us can compete with her. She outshines us all. No wonder Theo is fucking in love with her, she’s a dream, a fantasy… a beauty, too.
I leave the house, having seen enough of the interiors, heading out into the grounds. I need to find a bench in a quiet garden or something. Walking along the chequered hallway floors, I inhale the scent of summer as it floats into the house. It’s a hot day and all the floral arrangements are pungent, but also the grass outside smells freshly cut and the insects are at work on several big pots of lavender.
I’m lucky. Everyone is inside checking into their hotel rooms. I’m not staying, which means I can avoid Sass and Marie’s interrogation later on when all the other guests have thinned out and they’re still making me do shots. Chloe isn’t here today because she’s backpacking around Australia with Cole. It’s her last big holiday before she starts her final year of law school. I think it may also be their last-ditch attempt to make a failing relationship work, given that Chloe has a packed social calendar, works long hours and drinks far too much, often falling into bed with random men. Strangely, Chloe must have known this trip would exempt her from attending this wedding.
I find a spot to watch the golfers and stand under the shade of a tree, enjoying the peace and harmony of no drama, no questions, no groaning from Theo and no severely depressed people needing me all the time. Today I can just be Lily.
Then footsteps near me, breaking the moment.
“You look beautiful today. Absolutely stunning, actually.”
I groan inwardly, hating that his compliment makes me feel good. I keep my back to him, watching the golfers down below, not acknowledging I want to speak to him.
“I put Theo in a taxi home. He’s in a right state. I was worried he was going to say something stupid; he was drinking heavily through the wedding breakfast.”
“That was wise, he is a mess,” I admit, because talking about someone else’s mess is certainly better than talking about ours.
Earlier, I was put on a table of singles which meant I wasn’t seated with any of my old friends. Two guys tried to chat me up and I shot them down without letting them have a real go. I must have seemed like the ice queen, but better they know now.
“Lily—”
“Don’t start, Paul.”
I know that tone in his voice. He wants to make reparations or something… be friends again.
Rubbish.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that I had to sit on the singles table today! Lucky Paul, he brought his mother as his date and was seated with the wedding party. There he goes, being a good son again… a good friend.
Damn him.
He moves in front of me to face me and licks his lips, staring at my breasts and my mouth. He looks like he’s in love, but he’s not, is he? I’m only someone he wanted to save, because apparently that’s what Paul does. He saves people, including Theo, and me, I guess. Now I don’t have to drag Theo home later, drunk and crying, and I also don’t have to go back home to Ian, thanks to Paul.
He digs into his pocket producing a white card. A swipe card. A hotel room card?
He reaches out towards me and I’m about to protest at him touching me when instead, he opens the clasp on my tiny handbag and tucks the card inside.
