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“What do you mean?”
“The cruise. I know you said Florence did most of the work, but you’ve had so much on your plate lately at the office. I know this couldn’t have been easy.”
I sit down next to her, and she scoots a bit to give me space. “Honey, it doesn’t matter. We just wanted to do something nice for you. I know this week is important to you. Remembering Danny matters to me, too. And to Florence. I know we didn’t know him, but he would’ve been my brother-in-law. This week means something. And not having your parents here for the first time makes it all that much harder. I know you were imagining this differently and I couldn’t get your parents here, but I wanted this year to be special in a new way.” I wrap an arm around her shoulders, kissing her temple. “A new tradition, maybe.”
She turns her head to kiss me. It’s warm at first. Tempting. Her mouth opens, tongue searching. But just as quickly as it starts, she stops. She gives one last firm kiss that signals this will go no further tonight and then stands.
I’m still in a bit of a stupor when I hear her say, “Speaking of my parents, what did they say about all of this? Were they okay with us doing something different? I know they aren’t here, but…you know what I mean. It was important to them. Staying here. On this shore. In this hotel. Where everything happened… It’s always meant something to them, you know?”
I hesitate. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe I didn’t want to. “Right. Um, I haven’t told them yet.”
She waits for me to explain, her face frozen with an emotion I can’t read.
“I just didn’t want them to let something slip and ruin the surprise,” I offer.
“No, I understand. It makes sense. It’s just…”
“What?” I stand, moving toward her cautiously. I know this week is filled with a nuance I can’t completely grasp, with painful memories and a sort of quiet dread that fills my wife and her parents in the days leading up to it and the months that follow. Losing someone like they lost Danny, when he was so young, it changes you in a way I’m fortunate not to relate to.
Some days, though, I wish I could. Selfish and stupid as it may be. Some days I wish I could understand. Maybe it would help bridge the gap I can never seem to close between us.
It’s as if my wife exists just beyond a glass wall. As if we can both press our hands to it, but we can never quite touch.
“I should call and tell them. They should know. I won’t be able to talk to them all week…” She presses a finger to her lips, thinking. I don’t know what I expected, honestly, but it wasn’t this. When Florence pitched the idea, it seemed perfect. Now though, I can’t help feeling we’ve made a mistake.
“We’ll have Wi-Fi on the ship, so you should be able to text, maybe even make calls, though I read mixed reviews about how strong the signal is. The call quality might be terrible. Either way, I paid for the international calls plan this month, so you’ll be able to check in when we’re on land.”
“Still, I should call and let them know.”
“Of course. Don’t you think you should wait to call them in the morning? There will be plenty of time. It’s late tonight.” I say this gently, simply as a suggestion.
She checks the clock on the nightstand. “It’ll only be ten their time. Dad might still be awake.”
I sigh, more from exhaustion than frustration. “Maybe. Hopefully. Give him a call if you think so.” I rub her arm, then make my way into the bathroom to brush my teeth while she places the call.
Within seconds, I hear her voice.
“It’s me. Did I wake you?” She pauses, listening to his response. “No, everything’s fine. How’s Momma?”
I turn on the water, drowning out the next few words. When I turn it off, she’s talking again.
“I know. I wish you guys were here, too. Next year.” Her voice is soft. We all know that even if her mom is well enough to come next year, her time is running out. She’s beaten the odds for far too long. I cough to rid myself of the tickle in my throat.
“Um, I was just calling because…” She clears her throat, and I realize she’s been crying. “We’re going on a cruise this week. Florence and Blake surprised me with it. They thought since you guys couldn’t be here, it would be a nice distraction for me.”
I step closer toward the door, wanting desperately to hear her next words. How her parents react will set the tone for the trip. My in-laws are not unreasonable people, but once you lose a child, it makes you hold on to the one you have left a little tighter.
“No, I know. But it’ll be okay. We’ll all be together.” She sniffles as I rest my toothbrush on the counter. Even my brushing makes it hard to hear her. “Well, I can’t cancel it, Dad. It was a nice gesture. I promise I’ll be okay.” She sighs, and I start brushing again. “It’s a big boat. A ship. Not like…” She can’t bring herself to say the words, but they hang there anyway, and suddenly, I realize our mistake. This boat isn’t like the boat Danny died on, but it’s still a boat. It’s the same ocean.
The same week.
I drop my head.
How could I have been so blind as to what this must drag up for them? It’s my first year here with her, but she’s told me enough about it over the years. I should’ve known better. Florence should’ve known better.
“I’ll be fine. I know it’s late. I just wanted to tell you. I’ll check in when I can,” she says in what seems like a single breath. Like she just has to get it out. “Kiss Momma for me. I love you.”
When she appears in the doorway, fresh tears swim in her eyes, and I place my toothbrush down, wrapping her in my arms. “I didn’t think…” I whisper. It’s all I can bring myself to say.
