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Another call comes through on his phone. He glances at it. “I’ll see you tonight.” He then puts the phone to his ear, turns, and walks around to his side of the car.
I stare after him for longer than I wish. My body refuses to let go of thoughts about our kiss. She demands I dedicate time to his suit, his body, his hair. It’s at that point, when I’m checking out his hair, that I know I’ve completely lost all good sense.
I don’t even like his fucking hair.
“Jesus,” I mutter to my body as I turn to go into my building. “You need to get a grip. I don’t like that man and I would kindly appreciate it if you could remember that the next time he assaults you.”
“Are you talking to yourself?”
I jump at the sound of my best friend’s voice next to me. I was so engrossed in my thoughts about Jameson, I didn’t see her coming.
“Yes.” I look at her while also eyeing the security detail Jameson insists I have at all times. Thank God they’re discreet about what they see and hear. “I’m giving myself a good talking to.”
She grins. “Over that kiss I just witnessed?”
“Yes.”
“You actually looked like you were into it. Have you been taking acting lessons?”
I stop walking and turn to face her, all my confused thoughts and feelings spilling out of me. “I don’t know what’s happening, Nat. The man threw himself at me and I just went along with it. Like, willingly went along with it, as in I wanted him to kiss me. And I didn’t want him to stop. You need to tell me how to fix myself, because I can’t let him do that again.”
She laughs. “Oh, babe, come here.” She opens her arms and pulls me in for a hug, which I accept without hesitation. When she lets me go, she gently says, “You’ve got a lot going on, Addy, with the marriage and now with all this new gossip about your family.” Her voice softens more when she adds, “Thomas coming out and getting involved too is bound to stir up a lot of things for you. And because your divorce is tied in your mind with Jameson taking over your company, it’s all a tangled mess.”
Natalie is a therapist. She’s not mine, but she often helps me make sense of myself. She always knows when I’ll be triggered by something, and she always knows what I need to hear.
“None of that should make me want to kiss Jameson, though.”
“No, you did that simply because you’re attracted to him.”
“I honestly don’t know who I am at the moment. I am not this woman. I mean, I can’t stop myself from arguing with him over every little thing. You know that’s not me.”
She nods. “I know. I think a lot of this might be coming from how Jameson made you feel five years ago when you lost your company to him. I imagine that’s all been stirred up thanks to him being in your life now. You’re likely overcompensating by challenging him over everything and trying to prove to yourself that the past won’t be repeated.”
Jameson was able to take my company because my eye was off the ball thanks to my divorce. I went through a long period of self-doubt after that. Both to do with the divorce and with the loss of my company. I vowed never to doubt myself again. I think Natalie is correct to link all this together.
I inhale a breath. “This is why I love you. You just get me. Even when I don’t get me.” I pause. “How am I going to make it through a year of this? We’re only three days into this marriage and I can’t decide if I want to kill him or tear his clothes off.”
“Firstly, don’t kill him. I will miss you too much while you’re in prison. And second, you need to tell him his no-sex rule must go. Along with his rule you sleep in the same bed.”
I sigh. “I know all this, but you should try having a conversation with that man. I don’t know how he does it, but half the time I forget what I want to discuss with him and simply end up arguing with him instead.”
“Have you been diffusing your lavender oil?”
“No.”
“Do it tonight before you see him.”
She’s right. Lavender oil does help calm me. It also helps me sleep, something I desperately need.
“Thank you for being you. I sometimes forget the things that help me, but you never do. Now, we’re going to get coffee and you’re going to tell me all about your date last night. Since I didn’t hear from you, I’m guessing you spent the night with Ryan.”
“Let’s just say that the crappy date I went on with his friend was so worth it to meet Ryan.”
She shares as many of the details from her date as possible in the fifteen minutes we can both spare. I don’t want to let her go when she looks at her watch and tells me our time is up, but I also have to leave. Jenna will be here soon for our meeting, and I need a little time with Vanessa and Lara before that.
We promise to connect late tonight for a full catch up before going our separate ways.
I’m stepping off the elevator onto my floor when my sister calls.
