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This doesn’t feel anything like what I thought transformation would feel like. I imagined sunshine and smiles. Happiness like I’ve never felt. Skipping through a field of flowers. Well, maybe not that, but certainly not this state ofwhat the actual fuck is going on. And yes, the part of me that likes her f-bombs roams a lot freer these days. The other parts of me have given up trying to control her.Show compassion to all your parts, Kristen. Yeah, I’m still figuring out how that even works but my therapist assures me I’m doing well. The people pleasing part of me likes that approval so we keep going back for more.
Jenna’s face softens with compassion. “Is this because of that asshole last night?”
Charlize, who is sitting on the other side of me, overhears Jenna’s question and leans in. “What asshole?”
The waiter reappears with my drink, and I take a long sip before answering her. In that moment, I have all eyes back on me.
I meet their gazes while formulating an answer for Charlize. I’m okay with telling them who he was, but then they’ll want to knowwhyhe was an asshole and I’m not interested in talking about that.
I throw out the name of the guy from last night and follow it up with a wave of my hand and: “He was a jerk and I’ve moved on.”
“He was more than a jerk,” Jenna says.
“What did he do?” Lorelei asks.
I make eyes at my sister. She shouldn’t have said that because now these girls aren’t going to let this go. Then to everyone, I say, “What they all do. He wasn’t interested in getting to know me.”
“Kris,” Jenna says softly. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” I take another long sip of my drink.
“Don’t brush this off. You were really hurt last night. Talking about it might help,” Jenna says.
I stare at her.
Actually, it’s more like the beginning of a glare.
She knows that talking is not my thing.
Jenna’s a talker. A digger. She likes to dig all over the damn place. Into her feelings. Into everyone else’s feelings. Into places she has no business digging.
I amnota digger.
All the thoughts and feelings I’ve buried? Consider them laid to rest. I never want to revisit them. Not even with my therapist. But she’s a pushy woman and forces me into digging. I reallyshouldfind a new therapist. One who can’t see, hear, or speak.
Jenna reaches for my hand and squeezes it as Adeline says, “Anything said here stays here, Kristen.”
I’m about to find a way to change the conversation when the sound of plates crashing to the floor disturbs my concentration. It turns into a whole commotion a few tables away and it throws me off.
My brain rebels at the overstimulation of noise and heat. That’s the only reason I have for opening my mouth and allowing words out I am certain I’ll regret. “He knows Johnathon and told me that he’s heard I bring no spice to the bedroom.”
“I hope you didn’t listen to him,” Jessica says.
“I ended the date soon after that.”
“Good,” Adeline says. “What an asshole.”
He absolutely was, and yet I’ve had his words stuck on repeat. It seems it doesn’t matter how much fucking therapy I do; people still have the power to cause my insecurities to blaze brightly.
“The thing is,” I say slowly, surprising myself that I’m still talking about this, “it helped make sense of something another guy said to me a couple of months ago.”
“What did he say?” Jenna asks. I didn’t share this with her last night.
I run my fingers around the stem of my wine glass, staring at it before looking at her. “He said something during sex. Something about loving a good vanilla girl. Then, later after we were finished, he told me he was sorry that Johnathon had treated me so badly, and that he appreciated what Johnathon never did. It was all very weird and I never saw him again after that, but now I think he was referring to Johnathon wanting more than I gave him in the bedroom.”
Holy hell, I don’t care what Jenna says, itishot in here.
Jenna reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “Whatever he meant isn’t something you should even think about. Don’t let these guys screw with you, Kris.”
