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I need to take this test as soon as I can. I don’t want to wait a single second longer to find out whether I’m having Danya’s baby. I don’t know if I should be excited or downright terrified.
26
Taylor
My heart slams against my ribcage as I hold the pregnancy test in my hand, staring at it in between drinks from the sink. I need to make myself pee, which isn’t difficult when I’m this anxious, but I’m trying to hurry it along with more fluids.
I’ve chosen a bathroom in the hallway, one with a bright red stripe above the door handle to indicate that it’s occupied. I’m hoping that nobody tries to open it. I feel like I’d scream if I was interrupted during such a personal moment.
I try not to look at myself in the mirror as I take another drink from the sink. I don’t think I’d be able to face the woman staring back at me with fear in her eyes. I shouldn’t be scared, but I am, not of the potential child but of the uncertainty. I’ve never been pregnant before.
I wish I had Danya here to calm me down. He’d know what to say to ease my nerves, but I can’t ask him to come. I have to face this alone.
I sigh, sitting down on the toilet and trying to relax my body enough to notice when my bladder signals to me that it’s time to pee. If I was out in the rain, it wouldn’t be an issue. Every time I hear it outside, I run to the bathroom. It’s like a pact with nature.
But it doesn’t rain in Antarctica.
Ten minutes slide by before I can finally will myself to pee, and by that time I’ve calmed down a bit. This doesn’t have to be that big of a deal. I was going to get pregnant eventually with the way Danya was fucking me. If not today, then it could be tomorrow.
I pull the test out from beneath me, waving it around like a polaroid picture. I doubt I need to do that, but it feels right anyway.
I take solace in the idea that Danya probably wants me to get pregnant. He mentioned breeding on more instances than one, so assuming it wasn’t just dirty talk, I think he’d be more than happy to find out that I’ve successfully been bred.
And if not, it’s his own damn fault for not using a rubber.
I take a deep breath before looking at the pregnancy test.
I’m calm. I’m calm. I’m fucking calm.
I look at the test.
I’mnotcalm!
I jump up from the toilet, laughing as I try to steady the test long enough to double check the results. My hands are trembling like frozen leaves in a snowstorm, but I manage to make out the two red lines.
My laughter turns to tears, and then back to laughter. Have I lost my mind?
I suck in a long, cool breath and hold it in for a few moments. I’m going to be okay.
We’regoing to be okay. Me and this beautiful baby I have growing in my belly.
I look down, placing my hand on my stomach and inhaling deeply again, pushing out my belly and trying to picture myself waddling around like this. I’m going to have to get my shit together if I’m to raise a child. I can’t be throwing tantrums like before.
More and more, I feel dumb for ever having acted that way. If I could start over again with Danya by my side, I would erase everything he knew about me and try to be better for us. I would love him like he deserves to be loved, and we would have our happily ever after.
I guess we still can, but I’m going to have to work a little harder for it, and that starts by coming clean with Danya about the pregnancy. No more drama. I’m going to be good from now on.
I tuck the pregnancy test in my back pocket, flushing the toilet and leaving the bathroom to find Danya. He needs to know about this straight away. If I wait any longer, I’m going to explode!
* * *
Danya is stillin the bedroom when I saunter in. He’s reading a book with his feet up on a crate posing as a coffee table. There’s a rugged sort of charm to this place, I’ll admit, but I’ll also be happy when we’re back in the comfort of a real house with real furniture.
I can’t hide my nervous expression, and he puts his book down immediately, springing up to his feet like he’s ready to grab his rifle and run outside again.
“Sit down, please,” I say, trying to prevent him from rushing up to me. The pressure is high enough as is.
He sits back down, but leans forward, clasping his hands together like a concerned father who just found out their child is failing a class. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
