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She trembled on the spot. “By your tone, you almost sound like you’re blaming me for that.”
“I’m not.” I sighed with annoyance. “Of course, I’m not. I’m just saying—”
“That you want to keep fooling around and not tell anyone.”
“I didn’t say that. I merely think we’ve reached a point of no return, and before we step over that line—”
“The point of no return line.” Her voice was deceptively soft. “The point that your entire future is hinged on.”
My temper twitched into anger. “Well yes, when you put it that way. That point. It’s a pretty big point, Neri.”
“And you’re now wondering if I’m worth stepping over that line for, is that it? You can either fuck me and deal with the consequences of what my parents think...or pretend nothing is going on. That we aren’t in a relationship, and you can go on believing that you can exist this way—this hidden, non-happy way—for the rest of your life.”
I glowered at her. “Once again, I didn’t say that.”
“I hate to tell you, Aslan, but regardless of us and what my parents will say, you can’t keep living this way. You have no life of your own. You haven’t left this garden in months. You work all hours. You say you’re content with your language apps and math puzzles, but really...I think you’re just scared.”
“Scared?” My hands balled. “Of course I’m fucking scared. I’m terrified. I’ve told you that. I’ve told you why. I won’t survive losing you, and all it would take would be an anonymous phone call to immigration—”
“I think your fear runs deeper than that.” She huffed and raised her chin, her temper making a full ugly appearance. “You’ve never given yourself permission to live. Ever since you lost your family at sea, you’ve punished yourself for surviving when they didn’t.”
My heart stopped beating. “Careful, Nerida.”
“You can’t see what I do, Aslan,” she seethed. “You don’t know how much I watch you. How much I understand you. You’ve never dealt with your grief. You’ve never said goodbye. You carry their ghosts around with you so much, their darkness has infected—”
“Neri...I’d stop if I were you.”
“Stop? Why would I? I think it’s time someone forced you to see the truth.”
“The truth?” I marched into her, clamping my hands on her bare shoulders. My fingertips stung from touching her. The undercurrent of awareness and need between us flowed faster than the tide. “The truth is—”
“The truth is you’re stuck, Aslan. You let yourself have me only after you lost control. You made the choice to be with me, but when it came to you, I never had a choice.” Her eyes dimmed a little. “And yet...even as I say that, I actually don’t think you had a choice either. I think you felt that same inevitability. That same unfightable fate.”
Felt?
Why is she using past tense?
“I do feel that way, Neri. I’m in love with you. You know that.”
“But is it enough?” She sucked in a shaky breath as tears ran down her cheeks. “Is it enough to overcome the sadness inside you?”
“What the hell are you talking about? I’m fine—”
“I sense it, Aslan. Even when you’re happy with me, a deeper part of you still doesn’t believe you’re worthy of happiness. You use this sala and our garden as a prison but really, it’s your own heart trapping you.”
I fought the urge to shout, keeping my voice at a harsh whisper. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“All of this talk of not wanting to cross the line with me...it’s because you don’t know how to cross that line with your own family. They’re dead, Aslan. You’re alive. You’re letting the past steal your future and—”
I tore my hands from her and speared them through my hair. “I suggest you go before we say things—”
“No, I think I’ll stay right here. Say what you want to say. Tell me what you really think in that depressed, despairing heart of yours.”
My eyes shot to hers, hating that she’d sensed that no matter the happiness I found with her, it wasn’t enough to fill me completely with light. I felt as if a part of my soul was still with my parents, sister, and cousin, rotten and tumbling over the seafloor, crushed by millions of litres of seawater, and kept trapped by the moon and storms.
“Why are you saying all of this?” I asked tightly. “What changed from this afternoon. We were—”
“What changed is that the moment you shoved me into the bathroom—”
“For your own protection!”
“The moment I stared at myself in the mirror—after making myself come from needing you so much, I might add—I had an awful epiphany. An awful epiphany that...I’m willing to fight for this. For us. I’m willing to tell my parents something they might not approve of. I’m willing to put everything on the line for us. I’m willing to be there for you if you’re found out for overstaying. I’m willing to fight beside you to get you citizenship. I’m willing to move to your beloved Turkey with you if it means we can be together and...” She swiped at her quickly falling tears. “I don’t know if you’re willing to do the same for me.”
