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“I just need you. I need you inside me and—”
“No. Dive deeper. Tell me what you need.”
“I need...” She wrung her hands, nervousness pouring off her. “I need to feel the pain again. I want it to hurt but on my terms. I want it to hurt so I can heal my heart as well as my flesh this time.”
“Not enough. Try again.”
Anger puckered her eyebrows. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“The truth. Give me the truth.”
“You want to hear that I’m sick of feeling this way?” she suddenly hissed, keeping her voice down so her parents didn’t hear. “That I’m sick of being this way? This isn’t me. This anger isn’t me. This fear, this hate, this rage...it isn’t me!”
“So let it out.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.”
“How?”
“On me.”
“What?” Her forehead furrowed. “I’m not going to take it out on you. You deserve nothing but my thanks after what you did.”
“I didn’t kill him.”
She winced. “You shoved him overboard.”
“Against your command.”
“Why are you saying this?”
“Because I think you’re furious at me as well as him. I think you’re so tied up in knots you’re going to explode if you don’t let it out.”
She pushed away from the door, trying to move past me. “Just stop it, Aslan—”
“Did I say you could leave?” I shoved her against the door.
Her eyes widened as her back thumped quietly against the wood. “Are you crazy? They’ll hear.”
“I don’t care.”
“Since when?”
“Since I saw your new bruises. Bruises you did. Bruises you caused. I can’t think about anything else. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t care this could backfire spectacularly in my face. All I care about, Neri, is you.”
“We’ll discuss this tomorrow—”
“No. Now. Talk to me. Hurt me if you need to. They’re going to find out about us in an hour anyway. And if I can give you a break from the pain you’re feeling before then...” I shrugged sadly. “I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“I’m not discussing this with you right before Christmas dinner.” Her chin tipped up. “It’s been a long day. We’re both drained. Let’s just—”
“I failed you, Neri. I failed you by not being there. I failed you for not stopping him. I fucking failed—”
“Don’t make this about you.”
“Use me. Take out your hurt. On me. Hurt me, Neri. Hurt me because I wasn’t there. Hurt me because I wasn’t there to stop him.”
“What? No. I don’t blame you—”
“I blame myself. I blame all of this on me.”
“Aslan, stop it—”
“I’m offering myself up to you to use in whatever way you need.”
“What I need is for you to stop being an idiot. You never come into my room when Mum and Dad are in the house. What’s gotten into you?”
“What’s gotten into me?” I growled. “I just fucking told you, askim! You got into me. You. You’ve torn apart any hope I had that you’ll be okay. You’re hurting yourself, Neri. You hid in that bathroom and hurt yourself. What part of ‘I can’t fucking breathe seeing you in pain’ do you not understand?” I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to rein in my temper.
I exhaled hard, grunting under my breath, “How did you do it?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
I looked up beneath my lashes, dropping my hand. “Of course, it matters. It matters a great deal.”
“It’s done. And...it didn’t work anyway, so you don’t have to fear me doing it again. I still feel...messed up.”
“I know how you can let that mess out.”
“Not this again.” She bared her teeth. “Those beers you’ve had are making you reckless. Let’s just get through the rest of tonight and—”
“I’m not fucking proposing to you in front of your parents while your wrists are welted, Neri. You need to let go. Let it out. Get angry.”
“I can’t be angry. Mum and Dad will hear.”
“Don’t use that as an excuse. You’re hiding still. Hiding beneath everything you can. That stops. Right fucking now.” I balled my hands. “I can’t stand seeing you so sad. I can’t stand feeling so helpless. And I think...I think that’s your problem too.”
She scowled. “My problem?”
“You feel helpless.”
“No, I don’t—”
“For the first time in your life, someone overpowered you, threatened you, and took something that wasn’t theirs to take. It slapped you in the face. It forced you to see that you aren’t invincible, and now you feel utterly helpless.”
“Stop putting words in my mouth.”
I stepped into her, wedging my leg between hers, pressing my knee against the door. I never took my eyes off hers as I pushed up, rocking my thigh against the part of her that I’d tasted, kissed, worshipped, and adored. “If he was here right now. If it was his leg between yours, what would you do?”
Her entire body flinched. “Stop it. I don’t want to think about that.”
“You think about it all the time.”
