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I shouldn’t do this.
If Jack found me hugging his daughter like this, he’d most likely punch me.
But nothing could have stopped me from pulling her against me, tucking her head beneath my chin, and letting her break in my arms. “I’m sorry, Nerida. More than you’ll ever know.”
She didn’t reply.
She stayed stiff in my embrace.
But I couldn’t give her anything more.
I couldn’t fall for her because I had nothing to offer her.
But at least I could give her a tiny shred of my true feelings before I locked them away, hiding them from tomorrow.
Chapter Twenty-Two
*
Nerida
*
(Sea in Indonesian: Laut)
“THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SO HARD, to give all your truth to the boy you were in love with, only for him to refuse you.”
I blinked.
For a moment, I forgot where I was. Who was the girl in front of me? How did she know about that heart-wrenching night on the beach in Daintree?
But then, Dylan cleared his throat, and Margot shifted in her chair, waiting for me to answer her, and everything came flooding back.
The interview.
I’m telling them everything.
I shook my head a little, shocked that I’d been steadfast in that decision. I hadn’t held anything back. I hadn’t hidden the depth of my feelings even when I was so young. The way Aslan made me feel, even to this day, had never been surpassed by anyone.
And it never will.
I’d made my peace with that when I saw those two girls propositioning him all those years ago.
“It was the most painful moment of my life.” I looked at both reporters. “And what a privileged life I’d led that I can honestly say unrequited love was my bittersweet tragedy at the tender age of fifteen. Unlike Aslan, who’d already lived through more loss and pain than I could ever have imagined.”
I struggled with the ghosts of that time. Feeling, all over again, the way my stomach dropped to my toes and a rush of nausea made me flush with heat. He hadn’t kissed the girl back that night, but he hadn’t pushed her away either.
Seeing him with another had been such a shock, such a slap in the face, that I’d had an out-of-body experience. I’d stepped out of my younger self and pushed aside silly teenage desires and saw the truth.
A truth that condemned me because no matter how old I became or whatever paths my life took me on, Aslan was mine.
I was more sure of that than anything.
I was willing to accept it, even if he never made me his.
And as he’d spooned me that night in the tent, I’d broken for all the things he would never be able to give me.
By the time the sun rose, my heart was irreversibly cracked. And those cracks only grew wider each time I touched the girl and sea lion necklace he’d given me.
A necklace that I lost on the worst day of my life a few years later.
The day I almost died of heartbreak.
Not yet.
You don’t have to tell them that part...not yet.
Meeting Margot’s eager gaze, I said quietly, “That camping trip opened my eyes to things I hadn’t fully respected. I was safe, you see. I was loved and legal and home. I had no threats hanging over my head and no experience with adversity. I believed Aslan lived life the way I did. Bravely and boldly. Ready to make his mark and take what he wanted.
“But he couldn’t do that and go unnoticed. He couldn’t leave us. He couldn’t give my parents any reason to throw him out. I struggled to understand why he would put his promise to my parents above the aching need between us. But I soon learned he was right to be wary. I soon felt the same terror of his deportation. The same horror of him being sent home. Enough so that the desperation within me to be with him was leashed by the very real need to keep him safe.
“I suppose I never got to be a true teenager because of him. I never got the thrill of falling in love with the wrong boy and making mistakes as I figured out who I wanted to be.
“I already knew who I was: I was his. And I already knew what I couldn’t have: him.”
A long pause as I fell into silence.
Reminiscing was enjoyable but also incredibly hard.
“Your voice has gone quiet, Nerida,” Dylan said gently. “Did something else happen between you two?”
A rock lodged in my throat as I swallowed. “Oh, many things happened. Many awful things. But some good, too.”
“Want to tell us about them?”
I shivered. “Not really. But I made you a promise, and my life has been nothing but eventful.”
“Forgive me if I’m misunderstanding, but...you married Aslan, correct? If you felt this deeply when you were so young, and he felt the same way, why do you sound as if this tale doesn’t have a happy ending?” Margot hugged herself. “He’s not...dead, is he? Please tell me he’s not—”
