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Catching her eyes, I whispered, “You asked me once why I never say the words I love you. The simple truth is...I do. I think I’ve loved you from the moment you dragged me from the sea. You saved me, Neri. You gave me purpose. You gave me something to fight for when all I wanted to do was die. Not a day will go by that I’m not grateful to you, but...that is all I will ever be, do you understand? That is where we end.”
She cried silently, her tears looking like jewels upon her cheeks. “But that’s where we should begin, Aslan. Don’t you see?”
Frustration rolled through me, doing its best to tame my need. “I love you. Isn’t that enough?”
“No.” Her tears rolled in the moonlight. “It will never be enough.”
I sighed heavily. “Then I’m sorry for hurting you. That was never my intention. I love you like I loved my family—”
“Bullshit. You love me like I’m yours. I know you do.”
“I love you, but that is where it stops. No more. No less. I will never touch you. I will never change my mind. Trust me on that.”
“So you’re choosing to ignore the connection between us all because you’re a coward?”
I sucked in a breath, my anger pinching. “I’d rather be a coward than dead.”
“Dead? What—?”
“Forget it. I didn’t mean it. Come on...we should get back to camp.” I tried to grab her wrist, but she tripped out of my reach.
“I don’t want to go back. We need to talk—”
“We have talked,” I snapped. “There’s nothing more to say.”
“For you maybe—”
“It’s over, Neri.”
“It hasn’t even begun, Aslan. How am I supposed to stay away from you? How am I supposed to watch you with others? How am I supposed to stop wanting you?”
Fuck.
Each of her questions flayed me alive and left me bleeding all over the starlit beach. I had the same questions. I never wanted her to find another, all while hoping she found the happiness she deserved.
I hated that I couldn’t be the one to give her that happiness, all because I came with so much risk.
All I wanted to do was grab her. Kiss her. Snatch all my promises back and take what was mine to take.
But I couldn’t because it wasn’t just my life on the line.
If she cared for me as much as she said. If she dared fall for me the way I was desperate to fall for her...
Then the moment I got deported, it would kill her too.
And I could never be responsible for her broken heart because I knew the pain of being left behind.
Never.
I would never put her through such loss, such grief.
I would rather she hated me than that.
“Enough, Neri.”
“Don’t ‘enough’ me. Talk to me! Tell me the truth. Tell me why you won’t even consider—”
“I have told you the truth!” My voice cut loudly through the night. “This is not up for debate. We’re done here.” Grabbing her hand, I dragged her, dripping and spitting up the beach to the campsite.
“We are not done here. We are definitely not done. Tell me why—”
“I’ve told you. Now shut up. This is dangerous and risky, and I’m done, do you hear me? You saved my life. I saved yours. That’s all there ever was and all that will ever be. The sooner you accept it, the sooner we can go back to normal and forget all about this.”
“I’ll never forget about this. Never forget that you chose Australia over me.”
My teeth ground together. Truth snarled in my soul.
Wrong...I choose you over myself.
I choose not to hurt you when I’m dead.
I didn’t reply as we stalked through the dark, our hearts aching, our feet hissing in the sand, watched over by judging trees and gossiping bushes. By the time we stripped out of our wet clothes and dressed in drier things, the strain between us had reached feverish agony.
I hated that I’d hurt her.
I cursed her for hurting me.
I wished things could be different—that I was free to find my own place, my own work, my own life. A life that was separate from the Taylors so I might, one day, deserve Neri for my own.
But that would never happen.
I would never be given asylum—regardless of what forms I filled in or pleas I made. It would never happen because of what my family was back home. What my last name truly was.
A secret I’d only found out the night we’d boarded that condemned rickety boat.
If Neri ever knew...
Sighing heavily, I listened to her crying in her sleeping bag and couldn’t stomach the distance between us.
It was agonising and wide, and in the dark where no one could see, I broke my own rules as Neri gave me her back and her soft sob ripped out the rest of my already mangled heart.
