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Yet in that room, on that night, I was so, so horribly close to throwing everything away because I couldn’t do it anymore.
“Iste bu yüzden su anda dokundugumdan daha fazla dokunmayacagim sana. Bekar ve gizli kalmaktan mutlu olmamin nedeni, istedigim tek kizin, sahip olamayacagim tek kiz olmasi.”
I shivered. I recognised a few words from his lessons over the years, but he spoke too fast, too low for me to understand. “What...what did you say?”
He dropped his arm and pulled away. “I shouldn’t have said it at all. Let alone repeat it.”
“You can’t do that.” I balled my hands, fighting the rush of sick desire. “Tell me.”
Inhaling hard, he pinched the bridge of his nose and whispered, “This is why I will never touch you more than I’m touching you right now. Why I’m happy to stay celibate and hidden because the only girl I want is the only girl I can’t have.”
“You can have her...if you want her.” I trembled. My heart successfully shattered a few ribs with its pounding.
“You know why I can’t.” He groaned and scrubbed his face. “Fuck, you shouldn’t be in here. You can’t keep visiting me like this. It’s too hard.”
Pain scattered down my back with awful goosebumps. “Do you want me to go?”
“Yes.” He nodded firmly. “No.” He groaned. “Fuck, I should want you to go.”
“But you don’t...not really?”
His chin tipped up; his dark eyes met mine. “No.” He snarled as a rush of temper made him stiffen. “But say something. Do something. Anything to stop me from going out of my mind with—” He cut himself off and sucked in a deep breath. “Enough, Neri. This has to stop. Your parents hold my life in their hands. I love them as if they were my own. If I slip and give in, I not only lose you, but I lose them too. And I fucking refuse to lose any of you.”
I rolled my shoulders, successfully scolded and chastised. “I’m sorry.”
“Just give me what you came here to give and then go.”
Without a word, I passed him the two boxes.
He took them silently, and my fingers strayed to my necklace. The necklace he’d secured around my throat after he’d rejected my kiss.
A full year and I’d never taken it off.
Every time I touched it, it was Aslan I touched. Aslan I spoke to. Aslan I wanted.
He laughed a little. His tone was strained and gravelly but his amusement genuine, shoving away his temper. “The Chronicles of Narnia.”
I smiled as best I could, dropping my hand from my chain and charm. “I think my grandparents bought the boxed set for me when I was three. I have fond memories of my mum reading them to me. I know Rita, or was it Molly? I can’t remember. Anyway, one of them mentioned that Aslan is the name of the lion. He’s so protective and kind and...reminds me of you, in a way. And...well, I figured you might want to read them...especially if the research trip around Whitsundays gets boring.”
His eyes glittered, already seeing my ulterior motives. “I’ve heard the Whitsunday Islands are stunning and are a tourist hot spot. I doubt I’ll be bored.”
I did my best not to pout or think about all the scantily-clad women sunbaking on gorgeous beaches. “They’re okay, I guess.”
He chuckled under his breath. “Don’t worry, Neri. I don’t think we have any time on shore.”
I didn’t reply, not quite trusting myself not to say something stupid or reveal the extent of my jealousy on hypothetical situations of him finding another girl who was trustworthy—a girl who wouldn’t care that he was here illegally. A girl who could patch up the holes in his heart by touching him, loving him, protecting him.
Glancing at the other box I’d given him, his eyes snapped to mine. “You bought me a cell-phone?”
“The hand-me-down piece of crap that Dad gave you well and truly deserves to be retired. The calls drop out all the time, and its signal sucks.” Gathering my hair up, I twisted it into a rope over my shoulder, a nervous habit and one Aslan knew about, but I couldn’t help it.
This meant so much to me.
Too much really.
If I couldn’t have his body, then perhaps I could have his mind and heart...carefully gifted through the impersonal screens of technology.
“You want me to message you while I’m gone?” he asked quietly.
I want you to message me all the time. About everything. Anything. Always.
My cheeks heated at how pathetically high my heart leapt. “If you have the time. I mean...just so I know you haven’t fallen overboard.”
He sucked on his bottom lip and nodded. “I can do that. But I’m paying for the phone myself.” His eyes strayed to the tallboy that’d seen better days and the bottom drawer where I knew he kept his money.
