AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I came so close to throwing up that day. For the first time, I hated the gentle rock of the sea beneath the boat because I couldn’t sit still. Couldn’t breathe properly as I imagined a girl touching Aslan and him—”
I shuddered. “Anyway.... What I can tell you is, it wasn’t Aslan’s texts that finally forced me to face facts, it was that condom. I look back now and want to shake myself for not talking to him. Not having the courage to tell him I found it. He was under no obligation to tell me, of course. He could’ve lied when he’d said he failed to sleep with her and actually had. He could’ve been with multiple girls. He could’ve been telling the truth for all I knew that he truly wasn’t in love with me and had let our connection get way out of hand.
“You see, Aslan was the type of guy who took others’ expectations and dreams as his own personal quests. He would do absolutely anything to make you happy. He did it for my parents by not complaining a single day, working on the sea that killed his family. He did it for me by indulging my childhood convictions that he was mine and we were destined.
“He had a habit of putting all his wants and hopes on hold until he could deliver yours, and that sort of blind devotion made it extremely hard to stay normal. It was impossible not to lose sight of the fact that while he gave you everything, he was slowly losing himself.
“Giving every piece of himself until he had nothing left.
“He’d already given four years of his life to us, so who was I to expect the rest? Who was I to forbid him from being with others? Others that could make him happy instead of taking every shred of what he had left?
“I hated myself that day. I hated that I burned with jealousy just thinking of him with another girl. A girl who might have the power to make him happy for a change. And I felt sick to my stomach that I hadn’t been that girl. That the only thing I’d ever given Aslan was my heart. And that heart came with so many complications.
“Forgive my rambling, but I suppose I’m trying to make it clear that my feelings for Aslan were what made me a better person but also made me the worst. I gave in to jealousy and possessiveness. And I also gave in to guilt. I felt guilty for pushing him, wanting him, cursing him for not confessing how he truly felt.
“That condom was a slap in the face. A slap of how he did feel. He might care for me, but he was obligated to if he wanted to stay hidden. He might dream of a different life with a different girl and was far too nice to tell me.”
I swallowed another mouthful of vodka, gathering my self-control. “Kneeling on the boat, breaking with so many emotions, I grew up. I grew up...but in the wrong way. Instead of being wise enough to just talk to him, I allowed cynicism and fear to rule my decisions. I let hurt make me do stupid things. I let terror lead me down a path that only detoured from the truth.”
“What truth?” Dylan asked.
“That no matter how much shit—excuse my French—I put us through. No matter the distance and misunderstandings, we would always be drawn back to one another.”
“That sounds like fate to me.” Margot sucked on an ice cube. “You both couldn’t untangle yourselves because you were meant to be.”
I rubbed at the aching in my heart. “I believe that now. I accept that even if we changed things and tried to be different, we would’ve ended up exactly where we are because there is no me without him and no him without me. And I can safely say that loving Aslan has been my biggest achievement. Not creating Lunamare. Not being nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Just him. Loving him through the worst pain and best euphoria.”
“Can you tell us what the worst pain was?” Dylan angled the microphone a little closer, ensuring to catch my reply.
Tears stung, surprising me. Flashes of the worst day of my life filled my mind. I’d felt as if I was being flayed alive, burned alive, butchered into screaming still-alive pieces. I’d wanted to die. Yet I hadn’t been given that salvation.
My voice was cool as I said, “Not yet. There are a few things to come before that day.”
“Can you tell us now...please? I can’t handle the suspense,” Margot whispered.
“Soon. First, let me tell you what I stupidly did after I found that condom.”
I sighed heavily, wishing I could reach through time and slap my sixteen-year-old self. “So many hurts coursed through me and the only medicine I could swallow was anger. Self-preserving anger that set in motion my first mistake.
