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“That’s not what I’m doing,” Charles cut me off. “And excuse me for wanting to be there for someone I love.”
I ran a hand through my hair, pacing the room. Maybe I was getting this all wrong. Maybe I was fucking it up because I had no idea how to do this, how to be someone’s boyfriend. “I don’t give you anything. What sacrifices have I made for you? What do you have in Ryland but me? I know it’s important to you to be there for me. I know you feel some kinda misplaced duty to take care of me, and as much as I love it, that ain’t enough for you. Charles, you can’t save Paul, or fix the wrongs you think you made with him, by bein’ there for me.”
I reached for him, but Charles jerked back like I’d hit him. “I’m not… That’s not what I’m doing. Don’t throw my brother in my face.”
“I’m not tryin’ to. Jesus, that’s the last thing I want.” My stomach twisted up. I almost took the words back, almost said I was sorry and that I didn’t mean them, because all I was doing was chasing him away. But if we didn’t deal with this now, eventually it would come between us. And even if it didn’t, Charles would live his life making sacrifice after sacrifice for me. I loved him too much to let that happen, even if it meant he realized he wasn’t really in love with me.
“Your mom’s right. You love so big. You take responsibility for the people you care about. You did it with Paul, and you do it with me. I know it comes from a good place, but we can’t spend our lives with me lettin’ you make me feel so good that I can deny I got stuff to work through. I ignored it my whole life, wallowing in my feelings for Nadine. I love you too much to do that to you, and we can’t pretend you don’t got things to work through too. You said you know Paul’s depression and death weren’t your fault, but do you? Even if you’d known, even if you’d talked to him about it, that don’t mean you could’ve saved him.”
“I should have tried!” Charles shouted.
“You didn’t know,” I said softly. “You can’t fix everything for everyone. You couldn’t for him, and you can’t for me. You’re important too…you’re important to me. I don’t feel like I lived before I met you. I went my whole life without breathin’…without feeling…but I wanna live now. I want it all, Charles, and that’s because of you. Can’t you see I need to be able to give you the same things you give me?” Charles didn’t avoid me, didn’t avoid anything in his life. He faced everything head-on, or at least, he’d seemed to, but he hadn’t dealt with Paul’s death. He’d supported Emerson through his troubles, burying his own, then tried to do the same with me. I’d do everything in my power to give just as much back to him.
When he looked up at me, tears filled his eyes, and it broke my heart. “I don’t know how to stop blaming myself for not knowing he needed me.”
I took a step closer. “Let me help you.” Another step. “The way you help me.” Then another and another. “The way you help everyone else. Lean on me the way you want me to do to you. Let me take care of you too. We can deal with our pasts together, but we gotta deal with them. I gotta deal with mine, and I want to be there for you while you deal with yours.”
Charles grabbed me and pulled me into his arms. I went easily. It was where I always wanted to be anyway. We clung to each other, his shoulders shaking as the man who gave so much to others and came off like he had no problems in the world, broke down and cried.
I didn’t know how we ended up in bed together, but we did, both of us shirtless, taking in the warmth of each other’s bodies. It didn’t matter how hot it was outside, I would always crave the heat of Charles’s skin.
Eventually, he stopped crying. I used my thumb to wipe away his tears, wanting to find a way to fight them off for him forever.
Charles said, “I love you, you know that? Don’t think this is all some misplaced hero complex because of Paul. I love you. It doesn’t matter if we’re different or if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. Something about you gives me things I didn’t even know I needed. You said I make you feel like you’re living for the first time, and while I might have lived my life differently from you, somehow you still make me feel the same.”
