AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I smiled because how could I not? How could it not feel like the most amazing thing in the world to hear him say those things to me? “I love you too. You once told me you were gonna make it your life’s mission to make me see how incredible I am…and you make me feel like I could be, or like you really see it that way. Being loved by you is that magical, even if I can’t always quiet my negative thoughts. And I damn sure plan to spend the rest of my life showing you how incredible you are too.”
Charles nodded, then leaned in and kissed me. We still had a lot to figure out, a lot of pieces of our lives to fit into place, but I knew we would do it, together.
“Will you go somewhere with me?” he asked.
“There’s no place in the world I wouldn’t go with you.” And I meant it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Charles
A little while later when we got outside, my first instinct was to feel guilty for asking Brian to come with me. He’d just had a major panic attack being around so many people, and there I was, dragging him outside again, but I forced myself not to call this off. Brian would let me know if he was struggling. I had to trust him because I knew this was important for him. As much as I wanted him to be there with me, he wanted to as well, and that was what mattered—that we were dealing with these things together.
Still, I called a car service instead of taking the subway, figuring that would be better.
He didn’t ask where we were going, and I didn’t tell him. As the driver took us out of the city, my stomach got heavier and heavier the closer we got to the cemetery.
As soon as the car pulled up at the gates, Brian reached over and squeezed my thigh in support, then took my hand as we headed for the sidewalk weaving through the immaculately manicured cemetery.
“It’s real pretty here,” Brian said, and it was, the space hilly, with a lot of greenery and flowers.
“Yeah, I think so too.”
Paul’s gravesite wasn’t too far in. We went over one of the hills, curved to the right, his headstone beneath a full tree. There were flowers there, which I assumed my parents brought. They likely came for Mom’s birthday because they usually tried to see Paul around important dates.
Paul Michael Wells
Beloved brother and son
“Do you want me to leave you alone with him?” Brian asked.
I squeezed his hand tighter. “No. I want you here with me.” I always wanted him there with me. “Hey, bro…so…I finally did it…I fell in love.” I chuckled, then looked at Brian. “Mom wanted that for us so badly. She was always asking when Paul would bring home a woman or when I’d find the right man. It was playfully. She’s the type of mom who just wanted us to be happy, but deep down, I know she wanted us to find the kind of love she and my dad have.”
Brian smiled. “That’s real nice.”
“Yeah, it is.” We sat down beside Paul’s grave. “So…apparently, I have some shit to work out regarding your death…which is…so strange. I never let myself see that I don’t deal with my own shit. I ignore it, have fun, and tend to focus on other people.”
I’d become Emerson’s friend because he reminded me of Paul. When his ex had been killed, I’d pushed my way into his life even more, wanting to be there for him, wanting to make it better. Then I’d done the same when I met Brian, only with him I had fallen in love. If I was focusing on them, I could ignore me.
“The thing is, I’m mad at you, and I hate myself for being mad at you, so I try to pretend I’m not. I’m angry with you for hiding your struggles… I’m angry with you for not coming to me and for leaving me. But I’m also pissed at myself because I should have known. We were close. You were my best friend. How could I not have known? It makes me feel selfish…that I was so wrapped up in my own life, I didn’t see you needed me.”
The headstone began to swim in my vision. Brian’s arm wrapped around me, letting me know he was there, that I wasn’t alone.
“It seems I have a bit of a hero complex, wanting to save and protect all those I care about. I don’t know if that comes from losing you or if that’s always been in me, but I just…I think it’s time I forgive you. I’m hurt, and I’ll always miss you, but I can’t be angry with you anymore, and I can’t be angry with myself anymore. I can’t… Fuck, this is hard.” I swiped at the tears running down my face. “I can’t hold myself responsible. You died, and maybe I could have changed it and maybe I couldn’t. We’ll never know, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I just miss you…so fucking much. And I want to know if you would have ever fallen in love. I want you to meet Brian. We missed out on so fucking much, and I’ll always wish that weren’t the case…but it is. And I’m just…Christ, I’m so fucking sorry.”
