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I lost it then, letting my pain take me over, not trying to fight back the tears. Brian held me as I cried and came to terms with the fact that what happened with Paul wasn’t my fault. Mental health and suicidal thoughts didn’t work that way. He’d hidden it from me because he didn’t want me to know. It was no one’s fault, it just was.
I didn’t know how long we were out there, but it didn’t matter. His hand ran up and down my back as he told me he loved me and was proud of me. Those words burrowed inside me, working their magic to heal old, festering wounds. I knew Brian thought he didn’t have as much to give as I did, that somehow he didn’t deserve me, but he gave me so much just by being him. That’s what love was, if you asked me. People giving each other something no one else could. It didn’t have to play by a rulebook or make sense to others. Just to the people who felt it.
Eventually my tears dried up, but I didn’t stop talking to my brother. I told him about Ryland, about playing music with Brian, and performing at the bar, and yoga with Raya. I shared the changes in Emerson’s life with him. Even though they’d never met, I’d talked to Paul about him before.
My throat got raw, my body worn out from emotions and lack of sleep, when I finally said, “We should go. Thanks for listening.” I turned to Brian. “If he were here, he’d make some smart-ass comment about not having a choice. I talked his ear off this much when he was alive too.”
Brian chuckled. “Thanks for sharin’ that with me.”
I shrugged. “Thank you for being you.”
He rolled his eyes, which only told me how much he liked what I said.
Brian stood up, held his hand out for me, and I took it.
As we returned to the parking lot, I pulled out my phone and got us a car, when Brian asked, “Can we go see your parents before we go home?”
I frowned, surprised, but nodded. I texted Mom to let her know we were coming.
“You’re real sweet, you know that?” Brian said, arms around my shoulders, hands locked on my nape.
“Am I?”
“Yep. Never saw myself as the kinda guy who would like it, but I do. Probably just ’cuz it’s you, though.” He smiled, and I couldn’t help doing the same.
The car arrived a few minutes later, and we got in. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.
Brian was quiet, and I felt the tension in him for whatever it was he planned to do. My finger drew circles in the palm of his hand until I felt him relax.
When we were dropped off, I said, “You know there’s nothing you have to do here, right? If you want to, that’s fine, but you don’t have to. Everyone here is on your side.”
Brian nodded. “Yeah, I just want to make sure they know I’m on your side too.”
“Well, shit. You’re really sweet too.” I winked. “Let’s go.” I motioned toward my parents’ brownstone.
We took the steps, I knocked, and my dad answered the door a moment later.
“So glad you guys are here. Your mom said you were coming over.” He eyed Brian. “Good to see you again.”
“Thank you, si—John. You too.”
I smiled just as my dad did as well.
Mom stepped out of the kitchen as we came inside, offering both of us a hug—first me, then Brian.
“Have a seat. Are you boys hungry?” she asked as we walked into the living room. “I’m making some lunch.”
I looked at Brian, who said, “That’d be nice. I did want to talk to you both for a moment if I could, though.”
I wasn’t the type to get nervous, but I was wringing my hands at the moment. I frowned, watching him, but he gave me a look that said, I got this. I need to do this.
“Of course,” Mom answered, but I could hear the concern in her voice. We all sat down in the living room except Brian, who stood, hands shoved into his jean pockets.
“I’m not… I ain’t real used to stuff like this. This thing with Charles is new for me. I know I don’t always do things the right way, but I wanted to apologize for yesterday and make sure you both know I love Charles. There’s nothin’ I wouldn’t do for him. I have some things I need to work through, but it’s important to me that you know it’s not just gonna be him makin’ changes. No matter what I gotta do, I’m gonna figure out how to make this work. I’d get used to it here, if this is where he wants to be.”
