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“What’s your point?” I’m still not quite getting what he is trying to tell me.
“Jesus, you are thick.” Eros leans his head against the back of the couch and closes his eyes. “You can’t possibly need this spelled out for you.”
“Look, just because I’m bi, and Heph has experimented a little, doesn’t mean we should be fucking each other.”
Eros opens his eyes and looks at me like I am the dumbest baby in preschool. “You’re right, it doesn’t. However, think about it. Who has always been the most loyal to you? Not Freya, not me…”
“Heph, but—”
“I’m not done. When you hit on a woman in the bars, where is Heph?”
“Around. Usually not too far.” I still don’t see what his point is.
“And where is he when you hit on men?”
“He usually leaves. Why?”
“Right, and why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug.
“Oh, Jesus fuck.” Eros rolls his eyes before turning to face me directly. “Do you want Heph? Do you want him as more than a friend and an honorary brother?”
I think about that for a second, sipping my water, letting the coolness soothe my sudden cottonmouth.
Do I want Heph? The answer is an ecstatic YES.
I thought about him every time I was with a man. In fact, I only ever hit on men when I see Heph hitting on a woman, and I am jealous. Every time I am with another man, it is his name I am biting back when I came. There is no one I trust more, no one I care about more, and that second earlier when I thought he may have been shot was the most terrified I had ever been.
“It’s not that simple,” I finally answer.
“You want him. He clearly wants you. Where is the complication?”
“Athena,” I answer honestly. “Well, women in general,” I backtrack with a lie.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to give up being with women. I don’t know if I can be faithful to just one person.”
“Heph has been with women,” Eros points out. “You saw how he responded to Athena on his lap. You saw how he kissed her. How he touched her. He clearly likes women, too.”
“So…”
“So… maybe Heph doesn’t want to be monogamous. Maybe he likes the idea of having more than one partner. Athena does.”
“What?”
“Athena told me a while ago she doesn’t think one man can ever be enough for her. She wants several lovers.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“Am I okay with a woman self-aware enough to know what she will and won’t be happy with and open enough to be honest about it. Yes. It actually takes the pressure off. And if I am being honest, group sex is hot as fuck. Monogamy isn’t something I need, but open communication is.” Eros shrugs, like he is talking about something as unimportant as picking paint colors. “Polyamory is not the end of the world.”
“What if it is?” I ask, fear creeping up my spine. “What happens if I tell him I want him, but I want Athena, too? What if I tell him I can’t give up women, and it breaks him? He thinks he isn’t enough, and it breaks his confidence and his heart and he leaves?”
“What happens if he tires of waiting around and he finds someone willing to love him the way he deserves, and he leaves?” Eros’s words rip through me like a blade to the gut.
Would he find someone better than me? Someone who isn’t a coward?
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, that about sums it up.” Eros claps me on the back. “But those are your choices. Either way, it’s a risk.”
“How do I know which risk is right?” The icy feeling is running down my spine again, and my heart is racing.
“You don’t. You just figure out which outcome you are willing to live with.” Eros stands and stretches.
“How the fuck do I figure that out?”
“Well, would you rather lose him because you were brave and took a chance, or because you were a coward and never told him how you feel?”
“Either way, he leaves, and I don’t think I can live with that,” I admit.
“Do you want him to leave because he thinks you don’t want him, and he isn’t good enough?”
That question makes my breath catch and my lungs burn. Can Heph think he isn’t good enough? That he wasn’t wanted or desired?
Eros leaves the room, probably going after Athena, abandoning me to my thoughts.
I make myself another drink for some liquid courage. There is no telling what is going to happen tonight, but fuck it. I can’t not try.
Chapter
Thirty-Two
Perseus
I find Heph in the gym, working through his frustration on free weights. A normal person would just go in and talk to their best friend. Instead, I stand just out of his view and watch him. The way he works through each muscle group with heavy weights and a punishing pace. I used to think it was just a hobby, but watching now, I wonder if it’s a coping mechanism. He is frustrated with me or something else. He hits the gym until he is too tired to care.
