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Was it possible to miss someone you saw every day?
I did.
It was like someone had carved a hole in my fucking chest. Everything reminded me of him. I’d open the fridge and I’d see strawberries. I’d drive past a field, and I’d remember the day he’d taken me to the meadow, when I’d played my guitar for him. I’d go into my fucking games room and all I’d see was that moment he’d fallen asleep on me. The first time I’d consciously allowed myself to be vulnerable around him.
Fuck. I groaned aloud, letting my head fall back against the wall. My left hand rested on my guitar, and I idly plucked the strings, taking some comfort from the familiar metallic twang against the pads of my fingers, as I forced myself to count down from ten in my head.
Ten.I wouldn’t think about Cole anymore.
Nine.I was going to get over him.
Eight.Things would never work out between us. The odds had been stacked against us from the start.
Seven.Our parents didn’t approve of stepsibling relationships.
Six.I needed to concentrate on the band.
Five.And uni. My dad would kill me if I fucked this up.
Four.I didn’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.
Three.Cole was still in my life, even if we weren’t together, and that was good enough for me.
Two.Fuck. I’d run out of ideas. Uh…I needed to concentrate on the band. No, I’d already said that. I needed to concentrate on songwriting. The band members were relying on me.
One.I needed to forget Cole Clarke. He was my stepbrother and my friend, and that was all he ever would be.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat as I reached for my notebook and pen, and I locked my feelings away.
28
This was much worse than last time. Last time, I’d honestly thought it would be easy to get over Huxley. We barely even liked each other at the time. But now? I knew I loved him, and it was breaking my fucking heart.
I’d spent nights awake, going over everything, and I couldn’t help wondering if we’d been too rash in our decision. But while I loved Huxley, I wasn’t sure it was enough. I knew he had feelings for me, butlove? I doubted it. He’d always hated me more than I hated him, and I was fairly sure that it was going to take him a lot longer to get to where I was. Not only that, but he’d changed recently. I knew now how important it was to him that he didn’t fuck up his life, and with the pressures of starting uni and the band beginning to take off, I didn’t want to be another problem for him to stress about.
I told myself that there was time. We could revisit things in the future, when everything had settled down, and maybe we’d have a chance to make a go of things. I wasn’t interested in looking at anyone else, and I didn’t think Huxley was the type to play games.
In the meantime, I just needed to stay busy and keep my head down. One day at a time.
With a sigh, I forced myself to focus on my computer screen, typing out a thank-you email for a generous donation that had been made to our charity. From its position on my desk next to my keyboard, my phone lit up with a message. My heart kicked into overdrive, but I immediately deflated when I saw the name on the screen. Not that I didn’t like hearing from my cousin, but there was only one person I wanted to be texting me.
Elliot:
Hi Cole! I have a favour to ask you. You know you said I could use your discount on drinks at Revolve…is that still ok and is there any chance I could get some friends on the guest list?
Me:
Yeah of course. I said you can use it whenever. You’ll have to come in on a day I’m working to use the discount though because I’ll have to serve you. When are you thinking of coming and how many?
Elliot:
Friday? Not sure how many are coming but I’ll let you know ASAP
Me:
Good timing. I’m down to work Friday, covering someone who’s on holiday. Give me the names of everyone coming and I’ll get them on the guest list. Need to check the staff rota but I think Bobby will be on the door doing the list, remember him? He should remember you, he’s one of those people with a photographic memory
Elliot:
