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“I know, me either. I’d been wanting to reach out for a while anyway, only my pride stopped me. But when they told me what you’d been through, my pride fucked off and I got in my car. Because I should have been at the funeral with you and I wasn’t. So I’m going to be at the kriya with you instead.”
“But I don’t know if I can,” whispered Reeva. “Lux, I started to think Ilovedhim last week; then, when I found out what he did, it all changed. I was so angry when I thought he’d killed my cat—don’t laugh, I know it’s weird. But when I found out it was me, I just felt so... lost. And betrayed. And kind of humiliated? I just... I hate that he wasn’t the dad I dreamed he’d be.”
“I know. I mean, I don’t. But I can imagine. And I’ve done some research. I’ve been listening to some podcasts on alcoholism and Al-Anon.”
“What is that?”
“It’s a twelve-step program, like AA, but it’s for people who are affected by alcoholics rather than the alcoholics themselves. It sounds kind of amazing, Reevs—you should totally go. But their message is all about realizing you’re not responsible for someone else’s issues and letting go of any resentment, because holding on to it is just going to hurt you.”
Reeva’s brow creased. “I don’t know if I can let go though. It’s all I think about.”
“Of course you do; you only just found out,” said Lakshmi. “It’s a whole process—a twelve-step one. You don’t have to let go overnight. But I do think they have a point in everything they’re saying. There’s a quote about how when our loved ones don’tmeet our expectations, it’s our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down.”
Reeva laughed. “Wow. Satya Auntie would love that.”
Lakshmi squeezed her hand. “Look, it’s your choice. But I think it might help you to let go. To say bye. You don’t have to forgive him or anything—it’s just a way for you to say whatever you need to say to him and get closure.”
“I just wish I could have done that while he was still alive.”
“His soulis still meant to be on earth for another... twenty-five minutes, approx.”
Reeva laughed. “It’s only a Hindu ceremony. It’s not like I believe in the soul stuff. What’s he going to do, have a father-daughter reunion from beyond the grave?”
Lakshmi frowned. “I think it’s more about you and telling him how you feel. Rather than what he says to you. You know?”
Reeva felt her resolve waver. “I don’t know anything, Lux. I just... I don’t even know what I’d want to say to him. And I’m scared.”
“Hey, I’m right here. By your side. The whole way.”
Reeva nodded. “Okay...” She glanced at her phone. “But even if I wanted to go, it starts in twenty-five minutes. And we’re at least forty-five minutes away.”
“Oh, Hindu priests are always late. We’ll text them. Get them to hold off on the soul-leaving bit till we get there. They can just do the preamble. And what have you got to lose?”
“My sanity?”
“Overrated! Come on!”
Reeva hesitated. She tried to think of what Satya Auntie had said to her about love and fear. Her desire to not go to the kriya was pure fear. She was terrified of how she’d feel and all the emotions that could come up. But going to the kriya... In away, it could be the loving thing to do for her younger self. She didn’t have to go to forgive her dad—she could go to forgiveherself.
“Okay. You’re right. I’m going to go—but not for anyone else, not even for my dad. I’m going for me. Little me.”
CHAPTER 28
Day 14
Reeva and Lakshmipulled up in tandem outside her dad’s house. She supposed she should stop calling it that at some point—maybe after his soul had officially departed Earth. Lakshmi had sent her a podcast to listen to about Al-Anon and Reeva already felt like a slightly different person. There was a whole community of people out there who’d been hurt by their loved ones’ alcoholism in completely different ways. And they weren’t focusing on the alcoholic; their whole program was about focusing onthemselves.If they chose to forgive, it was for themselves. If they chose to be radically honest, it was for themselves. And if they chose to see their part in it, it was all for themselves. It was surprisingly empowering.
“Come on!” Lakshmi was already out of her car, rapping on Reeva’s window. “Get out.”
Reeva rolled her eyes as she turned off her car. “Okay, okay. What’s the rush? I thought they were waiting for us?”
“I need to pee. Hurry up!”
They pressed the doorbell, but there was no answer. Reeva knocked loudly on the door.
“They’ll all be in the garden,” said Lakshmi, crossing her legs tightly. “Shout through the letterbox.”
Reeva obediently crouched down to open the letterbox. “Hellooooo? Is anyone—”
