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“How did you do it? I can barely make my peace with the last text I sent my boyfriend.”
“Compassion,” said her aunt simply. “For yourself. It’s the only way to move on. It’s how I got over my guilt at what I did to my family.”
“I’m so bad at self-compassion,” admitted Reeva. “It comesabout as naturally to me as being relaxed. My stress levels are so bad that my hair—” She stopped. The only person who knew about her alopecia was Lakshmi, and it had never been an option tonottell her—she was Reeva’s family. But Satya Auntie was family too (and a marked improvement on Reeva’s previous blood relatives). If Reeva chose to share with her, maybe she could accelerate their bonding and make up for the last thirty-four years. She took a deep breath. “My hair’s falling out. It’s called alopecia areata.” She bent her head and moved her hair to reveal the patch. “Seven point seven centimeters and growing.”
“Oh, Reeva.” Her aunt touched her arm in sympathy. “You poor thing. It happened to me once. I was only eleven, but I remember it being terrifying.”
“It happened to you?!”
“Yes. But it grew back after a while, and I’m sure the same will happen to you.”
“I’m not so sure,” said Reeva miserably. “The doctors say it’s linked to stress, and every time I try to destress, something stressful happens. Like my dad dying for the second time. Or having to spend time with my sisters after... oh, I guess you don’t know, but Jaya’s marrying my ex-boyfriend. Rakesh. We were together for years and then she had an affair with him. Sita took her side. It’s all, well, incredibly stressful.”
Satya Auntie winced in sympathy. “That sounds tough. You must have been devastated.”
Reeva nodded, feeling her eyes tear up. Her aunt’s sympathy was making her remember just how awful it had been. “Yes, and... it’s why I’m struggling so much with my sisters’ theory that my dad had an affair. But, Satya Auntie, I went to see his friend today. Leela. And... she said they’ve been close ever since he came to England. Very close.”
“They were,” agreed Satya Auntie. “They spent a lot of time together—I often joined them. I like Leela a lot. But I don’t know if they were in a romantic relationship—it’s not something Hemant would have spoken to me about. And it definitely doesn’t mean they had an affair!”
“But didn’t you say anyone is capable of cheating?” persisted Reeva. “Surely that includes Leela?”
Satya Auntie sighed. “Oh, beta. Don’t torture yourself over this, especially when we don’t know what really happened. These are just guesses. And we’re all human. We all make mistakes.”
“I don’t know if I could handle Dad having an affair,” whispered Reeva. “Not with everything else. Things are... it feels like they’re all falling apart.”
Her aunt smiled. “Sorry, I’m not smiling because I’m not taking it seriously. It’s just... to me, when things fall apart, that’s when the growth happens. I know you’re in a lot of pain, but it’s in these moments that you get strong. Because there’s an indestructible piece of you at your very core that refuses to fall apart no matter what.”
Reeva wiped away a tear. “But I already did that. Things fell apart four years ago, in the worst way possible. And I found that inner strength then. Do I really need to do itagain? Because I don’t know if I can.”
Her aunt squeezed her hand tightly. “It must be part of your path, Reeva.And remember that nothing ever stays the same. Things arealwaysgoing to fall apart. That’s the first noble truth in Buddhism—that you’re guaranteed to suffer if you believe things are going to last. Impermanence is the name of the game.”
Reeva nodded. “You’re right. I know everything ends at some point for everyone. But—and I don’t want to fall into self-pity—but I feel like things fall apart for me so much more than theydo for anyone else. Most of my friends are married now, with kids and perfect families. Like Sita! And Jaya’s doing it too. And they all have their hair.” Reeva looked down at her empty teacup. “Sometimes I feel I’ve got the worst luck.”
“You never know what’s really going on for people. Your life must look enviable on the outside to so many, but you’re actually struggling. It’s just like your hair—no one can see the patch beneath it. It’s the same with all our problems, even the emotional. We’re all going through things—the problem comes when we wish life was different from how it really is.”
Reeva rested her head on her hand. “I know. Rationally it all makes sense; I just wish I couldfeelit. No matter how many Eckhart Tolle audiobooks I listen to, I can’t seem to live in the present reality. I’m always in my head.”
Her aunt smiled. “Well, it’s not easy to unlearn the messages we grew up with. It doesn’t happen overnight. And—you don’t need to be so hard on yourself, Reeva. Life isn’t an exam you need to get an A in. You can take the easy path.”
“I... did not know taking the easy path was an option,” admitted Reeva.
“Well, now you do!” Satya Auntie leaned back in her chair. “Do you know the meaning of your name?”
Reeva shook her head. “I try not to think about it too often. It’s almost like they wanted me to get bullied.Reevanshi.” She overemphasized the Indianness of the pronunciation, shuddering. “Then they give Jaya and Sita super-cute names that white people can pronounce.”
“I like Reevanshi,” said her aunt mildly. “It’s unusual—even in India. And the meaning is beautiful. It translates to ‘someone who has the potential to attain spiritual enlightenment.’ ”
“Really? That’s... kind of nice. But I think it just proves my parents chose the wrong name for me. I’m a divorce lawyer who’s basically an atheist. I can’t even do a downward dog.”
Her aunt laughed. “You’ll be glad to know that’s not necessary for spiritual enlightenment. Now. How do you feel about a treatment? On the house?”
“Oh, no, I couldn’t! I should—”
“No excuses, and absolutely noshoulds. The word isn’t in my vocabulary. I’m your aunt, and I fully plan on treating you to our afternoon Ayurveda package. That should help you start to relax, especially if I ask the therapist to add in some shirodhara. You don’t mind a bit of oil on your hair, do you?”
CHAPTER 9
Day 5
