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“I hadn’t had a chance. I only figured things out right before the service, when I was chatting to Kavita Kaki. How have we only just met her? She knows so much.”
“Her health isn’t great, so she hasn’t been able to make it to the prayers, but she’s always been close to your father and, recently, to me.” Her aunt sighed. “Oh, Reeva. I’m sorry it’s all unfolding like this. I hoped if you did figure things out, it would give you clarity rather than more uncertainty.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” Reeva took her aunt’s hand. “I’m just so grateful you’re here, hearing me out and being nice to me.”
“I’m always going to be here for you, Reeva, for as long as I can. I hope you know that.”
“Thanks, Satya Auntie. On that note, what are your wise words for me today? I need all the help I can get.”
Her aunt broke into a smile. “Wise words?”
“Um, yes, you’re practically the Dalai Lama in my book. I should start calling you the Satya Lama.”
She laughed loudly. “Please don’t.”
“Go on. Hit me with your wisdom. I can take it. What would you do if you were in my shoes?”
“Well,” said her aunt. “I’d try and practice compassion. For myself and for everyone involved.”
“That’s not exactly my forte,” said Reeva. “For myself or others.”
Her aunt smiled. “I think the same could be said for society as a whole.”
“But... does compassion mean you think I shouldforgivehim? Even if he killed my cat?”
Satya Auntie exhaled deeply. “I would never tell you what to do, and remember, there is noshould. But I do believe in the importance of having mercy rather than outright forgiveness.”
“Aren’t they the same thing?”
“Not to me,” said her aunt. “I find that mercy is a lot simpler.It’s just acknowledging that we’re all fallible humans who make mistakes, and so we’re all deserving of mercy. Like the parable in the Bible—let he who has not sinned throw the first stone. Whereas forgiveness is all very high and mighty. Like, ‘I, Satya Auntie, forgive you, Reeva.’ It’s all a bit grand, isn’t it? Who am I to forgive you? I’m flawed too. It’s just ego.”
Reeva sat in silence and then grinned ruefully at her aunt. “See? Satya Lama strikes again. I get what you’re saying. Mercy and compassion are about accepting that we’re all flawed. But I’m definitely not there. Because there are so many different levels of flaws. What about murder? What if the cat Dad killed had been a child instead? Surely you don’t exercise mercy in the same way for something like that?”
“It’s what I said earlier; you do it for yourself, not the other person. It’s about letting go, not condoning their actions. It’s very healing. Take it from someone who’s learned the hard way.”
Reeva was curious now. “Who have you had to forgive? Sorry, have mercy toward?”
“My parents. My brother.” Satya Auntie paused. “Myself.”
“Yourself?”
“I’ve made mistakes, Reeva. And the only way I’ve been able to get past them is by having mercy toward myself. Accepting my flaws and understanding where they came from. And that, in turn, helps me do the same with others. That’s the thing about mercy; it’s just recognizing we’re all the same. Flawed humans trying to do the right thing and, most of the time, getting it very wrong.”
—
Reeva was lyingin the empty bathtub waiting for her sisters. She’d already been there for fifteen minutes—she’d started in adignified seated position, but as time had progressed, she’d found herself slumping down until her feet were resting on the taps—and neither Sita nor Jaya had materialized. It wasn’t meant to take this long. But then again, her plan was in the hands of two five-year-olds.
When she’d realized her sisters were deadly serious about not speaking to her, she’d persuaded Amisha and Alisha to trick them into coming to the bathroom by sobbing hysterically until they agreed. So far, she could hear very little sobbing. The only sounds were the faint chants of the prayers going on downstairs. She hoped she hadn’t spent £20 on nothing.
“Whatisit, Amisha? Why are you so obsessed with dragging us—”
The door swung open to reveal a scowling Sita holding Amisha’s hand. Alisha was standing beside her, grabbing Jaya.
“Quick, get them in,” urged Reeva.
The twins pushed Jaya in too, then closed the door. Reeva could hear their giggles out on the landing.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” cried Sita. “You just manipulated my kids into getting us into the bathroom so you can lose your shit again?”
