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“Does it remind you to do anything for yourself?”
“To stand up for myself. To speak up.”
Marissa smiled. “Good. Okay. We’re going to slowly come out of this relaxed state now and let our rational mind wake up again. So start to let your body wake up. Wiggle your fingers and toes. Then, when you’re ready, you can open up your eyes.”
Five minutes later, Reeva slowly opened her eyes and saw Marissa beaming gently at her. “How do you feel?”
“Uh... good actually,” said Reeva. Her shoulders felt lighter. Her entire body felt less rigid. She felt exhausted—like she’d run a marathon—but also weirdly peaceful. “I feel really good. I know it wasn’t real—that in reality I did still get pushed down the stairs. But I feel like I’ve accepted that a bit more. Does that make sense?”
“Perfect sense. Our work doesn’t change reality, or even your memory. It just changes how you feel—which is the most important thing.”
Reeva smiled. “Thank you.”
“You’re so welcome. Was there anything that surprised you?”
“Well, I... didn’t realize how sad my mum was,” said Reeva slowly. “I knew it must have been awful being in that situation with my dad being so out of control. But Ifeltit.” She thought back to the blue of her mum’s body. The feeling of despair. A cold, hopeless sorrow. She shuddered, then shook her head. “It must have been so hard for her. It makes me feel more forgiving toward her, well, Saraswati-ness. Her life wasn’t easy.”
Marissa nodded. “That’s lovely. We’re all so much more than our behaviors. And how did you feel about what you learned about your dad?”
Reeva swallowed. “I... yeah. He was so red. There was a lot of anger, frustration, and impotence. I felt his powerlessness. I felt... I felt sorry for him too. In a different way from my mum, but my god, he must have been in so much pain to behave that way.” She hesitated. “I... didn’t feel like forgiving him though. Is that wrong?”
“Of course not! It’s all a process, Reeva. You’ll get to where you need to get in the right time, and everything we did today was perfect. You’re right where you need to be.”
“Thanks,” said Reeva. “It feels good to know I didn’t fall short. I’m so used to feeling like I needed to do more and what I did wasn’t enough. But I can’t believe little Reeva changed color! From blue to green!” She paused. “I also can’t believe we have colors inside us. Is that an actual thing?”
Marissa smiled mysteriously. “There’s a lot more inside us that we realize. The beauty of spirituality is taking the time to look inside and see what’s going on.”
Reeva took a sip of water and looked uncertainly at Marissa. “There’s something I wanted to ask you. Why did I need to tellmy younger self—little Reeva—that it wasn’t her fault? I was five. Of course it wasn’t my fault. That’s just victim-blaming. And yet, when I told her that it wasn’t her fault, I felt so much weight fade away. Almost like I’d forgiven myself. But I obviously didn’t need forgiving.”
Marissa reached out to put her hand on top of Reeva’s arm. “So often we can carry feelings that aren’t rational, but we carry them anyway. It sounds like little Reeva has been feeling guilty all this time, and the only way out of that wasn’t to try and persuade her she’s wrong; it was to accept her guilt and forgive her.”
“Do you... think that’s why my hair is falling out?” asked Reeva, looking up into Marissa’s eyes. “Because I hadn’t forgiven myself for all those years?”
“I have no idea,” she replied softly. “It could be. These things can be linked to internal stress—and often that’s fear, guilt, anger. The big three. It’s wonderful you were able to connect with the fear and guilt in your younger self, and tell yourself what you needed to be able to move on and let that warm green feeling in.”
“And it’s not bad I left a bit of the blue?”
“Of course not. It’s your choice. It’s still serving you. And that doesn’t mean you can’t let go of it one day either. Whether it’s in hypnotherapy again or just on your own. I’m going to give you a selection of hypnotherapy meditations you can listen to in your own time so you can strengthen the effects of what we’ve done.”
“Thank you,” said Reeva sincerely. “For all of this. I’m so grateful. And I really do feel so much better.”
“I’m so glad.” Marissa beamed. “You deserve it.”
—
Reeva was stillbasking in her green feeling as she got ready for bed. The hypnotherapy had been more powerful than she’dimagined. It wasn’t that it had helped her uncover some hidden memory, like it did on TV, or even that she’d lost control of herself and was fully at the mercy of Marissa. It had simply guided her through her most traumatic memory, allowing her to forgive herself as well as begin to have empathy for her parents.
Marissa had stayed an extra hour to chat with Reeva over tea—it wasn’t officially in keeping with her solo retreat vibes, but considering both Nick and her mum had already broken her no-contact plans, Reeva had let it go. And it had been intriguing to spend time with someone so different from her. Most of Reeva’s friends were people she’d met through work, and even though they were from a range of diverse backgrounds, none of them saw the world like Marissa did. She was kind of like a younger Satya Auntie, except she dressed like Jaya, and her LinkedIn described her as a former marketing exec rather than a former nun. They’d gotten on so well that they’d swapped numbers and agreed to stay in touch. Reeva couldn’t imagine her ever getting to Lakshmi-levels in the friendship scales, but she loved that they’d been able to talk so freely.
She’d ended up telling Marissa absolutely everything about the last twelve days. Marissa had listened with empathy, hugged Reeva in all the right places, and put her hand to her heart in touching solidarity when the story became painful. She’d added her own insights to Reeva’s theory about Catty too—that her younger self had transferred her trauma onto the cat because it gave her some distance from it all and allowed her to move on. It was a coping mechanism that had served her up to a point. But now that Reeva knew the truth, she was ready to honor little Reeva and finally give her the care she deserved.
Their chat had even inspired Reeva to come up with her own potential breakthrough. What if her desire to protect Catty wasreflected in how she wanted to protect people now? She was always the responsible one—the ultimate big sister—whether it was with her sisters, Lakshmi, or even her mum. But maybe it was time for her to let go a little and just allow everyone to protect themselves. It was something Satya Auntie had said to her once:We’re all responsible for ourselves.It was so obvious, but it hadn’t ever really occurred to Reeva before. She’d thought she was responsible for everyone.
The doorbell buzzed. God, who was it going to be now? Nick, for a second Pyramus-and-Thisbe chat through the door? Her mum, ready to physically drag Reeva to the kriya? Or Lakshmi, ready to build bridges? As Reeva raced to the intercom, she realized she desperately wanted it to be the latter.
“Hello?” she asked eagerly. “Who is it?”
“It’s us. Hurry up, it’s raining.”
