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“I didn’t let him meet you when he wanted to.” Saraswati hung her head low as Reeva’s shoulders relaxed. “I will neverforgive myself for that. And... I know I’m not an easy person to live with.”
“Oh, Mum.” Reeva tentatively reached out to place a hand onto her mum’s shoulder. “I get it. But... you can’t absolve your guilt through me.”
“I... can’t? Are you sure?”
Reeva rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m sure. I can’t absolve you of your guilt. I do wish we’d had a chance to speak to Dad back when he got in touch, and yeah, I do find it really hard that you said no to that happening. But I accept it. And I think... you need to as well. Mum, you need to forgive yourself. What’s done is done.”
Her mum sniffed. “Have you been spending time with Satya Auntie?”
“Uh, yes, she’s amazing! I’m so sad she’s...” Reeva’s voice faded.
“Yes, if she wasn’t dying, I’d hire her to be my therapist. She’d probably earn more than she does at her spa.”
Reeva laughed despite herself. “You are so inappropriate, Mum. But look, not going to the kriya is my choice, okay?”
“Oh, fine.” Saraswati sighed. “But was I not quite clever in making you and your sisters spend these two weeks together? I was so proud of them for coming to see you last night. My darling girls all together again.”
“You never used to care if we got on. You used to tell me to pretend I wasn’t related to them at school.”
“That was for your own good! So you wouldn’t compare and despair! And can a mother not learn from her mistakes and try to make amends for the past?”
“Mum, you don’t need to be so dramatic, it’s not like—”Reeva gasped loudly. “Oh my god, please do not tell me you’re dying too! I cannot deal with any more people dying right now.”
“Of course I’m not dying. I have the health—and the womb—of a forty-year-old.”
Reeva shuddered. “Please tell me you and MJ use protection. I can just about handle being an aunt again, but there’s no way I can deal with another sister.”
“What about a brother? I’m joking! Don’t look at me like that, Reeva—it was ajoke.As if I’d risk anything that would give me stretch marks again.”
—
Reeva sat quietlyin the living room. It was seven p.m. and the prayers had just begun. This time she wasn’t squeezed into the back, right next to the kitchen door; she was in the front row, sitting right next to the lady leading the bhajans. Now that Satya Auntie was out of action, Shilpa Ben and some other elderly aunts and uncles (they weren’t actually related, but Reeva had been told to address them as though they were) had taken charge. It was amazing how much they did for the funeral of someone they weren’t related to. But her mum had explained that this was normal. When people who weren’t prepared for the death of a loved one found themselves with a funeral to organize—read: three millennials from North London who knew more about Jewish customs than their own Hindu ones—a whole load of elderly people in the community stepped in. They helped the family organize the prayers, spread the word, speak to funeral directors, find the right Hindu priest, and do all the religious admin that no one else knew how to do.
Reeva had seen them helping Satya Auntie, but until now she hadn’t understood how much they’d all done or really thoughtabout how much organization had gone into setting up the daily prayers. Nor had she bothered to fully attend a single night of prayers until tonight. Her last chance.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized she’d been so wrapped up in her own life that she hadn’t really paid attention to the quiet action happening around her. It was enough to make her want to spiral into a hole of self-hatred, but Reeva was taking Satya Auntie’s advice to try out compassion instead. She couldn’t undo the past, but now that she had a little more support from her family, she was able to focus on appreciating the clockwork support of the community around her. It didn’t always feel like one she belonged to, but she was still grateful it existed.
“Om Namo Narayanaya,” chanted the bhajans lady. Reeva didn’t know the mantra, but it was soothing. She closed her eyes and let the rhythm of the words wash over her. She knew that her mum and MJ were somewhere behind her and that there were dozens of aunts and uncles packed in the room, but slowly she stopped being aware of their presence. She was too busy enjoying the peace of the mantra. She wasn’t even averse to the croaking singing of the lady to her left. If she took away the fact that she was meant to be grieving someone who had almost accidentally killed her, she was having quite a nice time.
As the prayers continued, Reeva’s mind started to wander. But it didn’t go to her anxieties and to-do lists like it normally did. Instead, Reeva thought about what Satya Auntie had said to her about love and fear. She’d been so scared of getting hurt that she’d chosen fear over love every step of the way. It was why she hadn’t ever been fully honest with her sisters, Nick, or even Lakshmi at times. She’d been too scared to have an authentic relationship with them in case she got hurt. Only, look what hadhappened. She’d made everything worse by trying to avoid pain, when pain was just part of life. She’d self-sabotaged with Nick by not being up-front with him—about everything from her alopecia to her neediness—because she was scared. Scared she didn’t deserve love and wasn’t worthy of him. But now Reeva knew that was just old fear. And beneath it was love. Love for herself. And love for him.
Reeva smiled as her body swayed in time to the music. She felt so much better now that she could see things so clearly. She didn’t even feel an urgent need to rush into action or fix everything. She was happy just knowing the truth. All this time, she’d been trying to control her life. But now she knew she’d never have control, and she’d neverhadit either. Control didn’t exist. All she had was confusion and uncertainty. But that was okay. That was what it meant to be human. And she could just sit in it with these people by her side, breathing. For the next thirty minutes she didn’t have to do anything other than be exactly where she was: in the living room of her dead dad’s house, surrounded by the soothing presence of chanting relatives she barely knew, with a growing hope that the smell wafting in from the kitchen meant there was chili paneer for dinner.
CHAPTER 26
Day 14
“Auntie Weeee!” Thedoor burst open and Alisha and Amisha bounded into the room. “You have to—” Both twins gasped at Reeva.
Reeva yawned from the bed. “What’s going on?”
“Wow,” exhaled Alisha eventually. “Your head looks like an egg.”
Reeva blinked in confusion then gasped. “Oh my god! My wig! No! Girls, can you... just... get out for a moment while I sort myself out?”
Amisha ignored her and jumped onto the bed. “Let me touch it! Please!”
“Amisha!” Reeva tried to bat her niece away. “No! I don’t want... can you...”
