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“So, uh, I didn’t expect to get your voice message. That was a surprise.”
Reeva nodded. “I thought it might be. But... a good surprise?”
“It was. Though I’m still a little confused.” He hesitated. “I didn’t realize you weren’t being your honest, real self with me, Reeva. I thought things were going well until everything with Hot Lips. I still don’t know if we broke up because you think I cheated on you or because you were never happy with me.”
Reeva sighed. “Okay. Maybe we should sit down. There’s a lot to say.”
“Should I be scared?”
Reeva shook her head as she joined Nick on the wooden bench. “Nope, that’s my job. Okay. I’ll... I’ll start at the very beginning. Do-re-mi, etc.”
“Excuse me?”
“Never mind.” She took a deep breath and looked Nick in the eyes. “You know I was really hurt by Rakesh. It broke me. I did not see it coming, and the shock of it all just blindsided me. I’ve never felt so awful in my entire life. And I’ve been terrified of that feeling ever since.”
Nick nodded. “Of course. I think we all feel that to some extent. Well, those of us who know heartbreak.”
“Definitely. It’s just... I think I’ve let it take over my life a little too much. Nick, you’re the first person I’ve really liked since Rakesh. And I started to find myself daydreaming about a future with you.” She put her head into her hands. “God, this is so embarrassing.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Nick gently peeled her hands away from her face. “I’ve had the odd daydream too.”
“Really?” Reeva looked at him doubtfully. “Well, it freaked me out. Because... I really wanted it to come true, but I was so scared it would end in trauma. Again.”
“Because of Rakesh?”
“Yes.” She sighed again. “But also because I felt a little insecure with you. In a way I never did with Rakesh.”
“Why?”
Reeva looked away, at the families having picnics on the grass and kids running around with balls. She closed her eyes for a second then turned back to Nick. “This is so hard to say. But I think it’s because... you’re soperfectall the time. Today’s the first time I’ve ever seen you not wearing a dress shirt. You’re way better groomed than me, which is just awkward. And I feel like you’re always doing or saying the right thing, but it doesn’t necessarily feel real. Also, I was a little bit intimidated by your past.I mean, you’ve dated people like Hot Lips. I’ve just dated normal people.”
Nick looked taken aback. “Wow. That’s a lot. But... I definitely don’tfeelperfect, Reeva. Nor did I realize that was the impression I conveyed. But you know I could say the same to you. That you’re intimidating. And very well-dressed, by the way.”
She stared at him blankly. “Me?”
“Of course. You’re so much younger than me, and your life is so much more sorted than mine was when I was your age—or even mine right now.”
“It is?”
Nick laughed. “Yes! You have an amazing home you bought yourself. You love your job. And you’re doing it all alone, with this mad family who doesn’t see your worth. You’ve had to build yourself up in a way most people haven’t. Reeva, if anyone’s feeling insecure here, it’s me.”
Reeva felt tears pricking her eyelids and brushed them away quickly. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m getting emotional. It’s just nice to hear. I feel like we haven’t spoken this honestly before and... I need it, Nick.”
“Why did you never say anything? I would have happily told you this before!”
“Well, because you can sometimes be a bit distant. And I get the feeling you don’t want to share or have emotional chats. So sometimes I feel like I’m pushing you,” admitted Reeva. “Like when we spoke about your exes. Or tried to speak about your exes.”
Nick looked down at the tired bench. “You’re not the first person to say that. My ex-wife used to say I was emotionally unavailable. I’m sorry, Reeva. It’s not deliberate—I was just brought upin a household where we didn’t share a lot. I know opening up is important though.”
“Thanks for saying that.” Reeva took a deep breath and tried to visualize the green feeling inside her for a boost of courage. “Also, um, lately I haven’t felt you’ve been giving me what I need. You’re very good at showing up as a big romantic gesture. But you don’t call when you say you will. You go AWOL and it makes me anxious. Then, obviously, there’s the fact that you can be a bit distant and off sometimes. So I, uh, demoted you in my head from an uppercase boyfriend to a lowercase one. An lcb. Because you weren’t acting how I wanted a boyfriend to act.”
He laughed in shock. “Wow. I have no idea what to say to that. I’ve been called a lot of things in my life but never an lcb.” He shook his head. “Reeva, I’m sorry. I get what you’re saying. I think I’m just a bit shit sometimes. I’m not used to my actions impacting someone else so much. And I suppose going to boarding school at seven wasn’t the best thing for my emotional skills.”
“I was eleven when I got sent off, but I can very much relate.”
“You went to boarding school?”
“See!” cried Reeva. “How did we never talk about this before? This is the problem. You’re distant sometimes, butso am I. I’m guilty of the same thing, but for different reasons maybe. I... was so scared of losing you that I hid things from you. I put a wall up to keep me safe when, in fact, it did the opposite.”
