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“Good,” Sophia nods, urging me to continue.
“If anything, I always felt like my mother didn’t want me,” I continue and huff out a laugh. “She never was a very gentle mother, which is so surprising considering her best friend is the best mother I know.”
Memory after memory of times Maria treated me better than my own mother flash through my head.
“My mom was only ever really there when it made her look good. Dance recitals, competitions, things like that. She was only there so she could say that her daughter was the best.”
Sophia takes a drink out of the same teacup that was on her desk as last time. “Where is your mom now?”
I shrug my shoulders. “She took off when my dad died. My theory is she was cheating on him before he died. When he passed, she knew she could finally get away without any repercussions and hit the road.”
Sohpia nods. “Why do you think she was cheating?” she asks, her tone neutral.
“I overheard my dad making comments to his brothers in the club, saying things a daughter doesn’t want to hear her dad say, if you know what I mean.”
Sophia’s face is fixed in a blank stare, and I roll my eyes playfully at her. “She hadn’t given it up to him in over five years.”
Sophia’s eyes widen and she lets out a small chuckle. “Ah. Yes, a daughter sure does not want to hear that.”
“Yeah. So there’s that. According to everyone else, they made each other miserable their entire relationship. Some people that didn’t know them well think she took off because she was broken-hearted, but most people know the truth.”
“Tell me about your relationship with your dad.”
I smile at the thought of my dad. “We were close. When I was really little, it was hard for me to understand why he couldn’t always be there. He would have to go out on runs and do different things for the club. Which took him away from me a lot. I’m not sure if it was him being gone that was worse, or the fact that he left me with my mother. It really sucked when his responsibility to the club took him away from my dance activities. I got made fun of quite a bit because he was only there sometimes.”
“If I remember correctly, you said that you and your babies’ father are not together, right?”
I nod my head.
“Do you want to be in a relationship with him?”
“I don’t think so. At least not right now.”
“Why not?”
“I just don’t think I’m ready for all of that.”
“Because of the assault? Or is there another reason?”
Her question sets me back. Why don’t I want to be with him? Trigger is a great guy. He has proven that a hundred times oversincethe incident. On top of that, it’s obvious our physical chemistry is off the charts. So what is it?
“I think it’s a little bit of everything.”
“Explain it to me.”
“When I was assaulted, the thing about it is, I don’t really remember it,” I say with a quiver in my voice as I shake off the tears threatening to spill over my lids. “I remember getting kidnapped, waking up in a disgusting cabin, and hogtied naked on the ground. I remember a crazy man I’d never met before screaming at me about how worthless and disgusting I was. But most of all, I rememberbelievinghim.”
Sophia leans forward, pulling a tissue out of the box and handing it to me. I dab the tears trailing down my cheeks before continuing.
“I blacked out, I think from him punching me, and I didn’t come to until he was writhing on top of me. I think my subconscious kept pulling me under so I didn’t have to remember the gory details, but I think that’s almost worse, the not remembering. I remember being in the hospital and them running all sorts of tests on me, telling me they needed to do a rape kit because I was raped. I thought they were kidding until I thought about it and realized how much pain I was in down there.”
Sophia nods, jotting more stuff on her notepad. “What’s the first thing you remember?”
“Jamie picked me up off the floor and took me outside to put me in an ambulance.”
“So do you think that, in your mind, Jamie saved you?”
“Maybe,” I confess.
