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“Does that scare you?”
“I’m scared of what it makes me feel.”
Sophia nods.
“I’m also afraid of being like my parents.”
Sophia smiles, knowingly. “Ah.”
I sit back in my chair. “What?”
“I was waiting for you to put that together.”
“What?” I repeat, wanting to know her take on my situation.
“You’re afraid that you and Jamie, should you get together, will end up like your parents. You said it yourself. They weren’t together when they got pregnant with you, and your dad felt trapped by your mother. You are subconsciously afraid that you are your mother in this situation, and it’s clear that some of your trauma stems from her. You fear that, once you two get together, he will grow to resent you, feeling trapped just like your father and that your kids will grow up the way you did, watching their parents loathe each other. Am I close?”
Shock renders me speechless. I remain frozen, blinking as her words stun me.
“I don’t think this is about the rape at all, Heather. Did the assault affect you? I’m sure it did, but I think your relationship qualms are solely out of fear of becoming like your parents.”
“I… I don’t know,” I stammer.
“I believe that your trauma with the assault is going to affect your physical relationships, not so much your mental ones.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Are you scared of your male friends and family?”
I shake my head no.
“Does the thought of being sexually active scare you?”
I nod softly, running my hands along my bare thighs.
“I want to have two different types of sessions with you. I want to have these ones, where we work on your fear of relationships, and I want to have another one where we can reclaim your sex life after being assaulted. It’s not going to be easy, but we can get there, and I truly feel like this approach will compliment each other in all aspects of your relationship.”
Sophia’s warm smile causes warmth to settle in my belly as hope blossoms in my chest. I don’t want to feel like this forever, but I know it will take time.
She smiles and claps her hands as if she didn’t just rock my entire world in just a few words. I thought for sure I wasn’t ready to think about a relationship with Trigger because of the incident, but Sophia has my mind racing as I admit to myself that she’s right.
I don’t want to become my mother, and I don’t ever want him to feel like my dad did when my mom trapped him with me.
I leave Sophia’s office determined and a little put back at the same time. It’s an odd combination of emotions rumbling around in my head.
Driving back through town, I make a last minute decision and pull my car into the plaza parking lot at Maria’s Salon. If anyone could help me through this internal struggle, especially about my mom, it’s Maria.
The bell jingles over my head as I push my way into the serene salon my mom helped Maria open years ago.
Maria is standing at the reception counter saying goodbye to a client when she sees me. Her face breaks out into a large grin and I force a smile back to her.
“What’re you doing here, Pebbles?”
“Can you squeeze me in?” I point to the loose bun sitting atop my head.
“I canalwayssqueeze you in, my girl.” I will the tears to go away as I follow her back to her station.
She snaps the cape out in front of me before securing it around my neck. Silently, she pulls my hair down from the bun and runs her fingers through it. With a soft hand, she squeezes my shoulder. “Let’s go get you washed up.”
