AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“When you think of these babies, and those thoughts start creeping in, trying to steal your joy, force them away. Go back to that moment that you thought of before. Today is a new day.” She smiles as she searches my eyes. “We’re going to take a peak at these sweet babies now. Every time you want to think about them, you think of my voice and your special moment. Can you do that for me?”
Every part of me wants to tell her no. Ever since finding out about the twins, my intrusive thoughts have slammed their way into the forefront of my mind whenever I’ve tried to focus on the joy I should be feeling.
But I know my babies don’t deserve that.Idon’t deserve that.
I deserve to be happy.
* * *
“Let’s take a look at these babies.” Dr. Murphy says.
After our heart to heart, Dr. Murphy stepped out of the room to give me privacy as I undressed for her exam. It wasn’t easy, and I told her I couldn’t promise that I won’t freak out when it comes time for the ultrasound. She explained that, unfortunately, the best way to see the babies right now is an internal ultrasound, which I didn’t even know existed until today.
She slowly lifts a leg rest out from underneath the table and guides my foot into the footrest.
“I can access it just like this, as long as you're comfortable.”
“This is fine,” I reply, taking a deep breath and squeezing my eyes shut.
“I’m going to hand the probe to you, Heather. I want you to place it inside. I will tell you when it's in far enough and then you let me know when you’re ready.”
Dr. Murphy hands me a long skinny white stick with bluish gel on the end. I force myself to take slow, deep breaths as she moves the blanket covering me slightly to the side.
“I want you to think of it like a tampon. It’s no different. Keep taking those slow deep breaths. You’re doing great.”
I hold my breath as I put the wand inside. I bite my lip over the initial panic, and the slight metallic zing of blood hits my tongue.
“That’s far enough, Heather. You did amazing. I’m going to take the wand over, okay? I only have to move it a little bit to get the best view of both babies.” Dr. Murphy’s soothing voice calms my panic, causing my breathing to slow and my heart to settle.
“Heather, I want you to open your eyes and look at the screen.”
When I blink my eyes open, I quickly notice the lights are off. I didn’t even realize she had turned them down. I look to my right, and up on the overly large television screen are two bean shaped white blobs surrounded by a bigger black circle. Tears stream out of my eyes, but this time, they are tears of joy.
“Heather, this right here,” Dr. Murphy says, using her free hand to click the keyboard on the ultrasound machine, “this is baby A.” Seconds later, the wordsBaby Apop up on the screen above one of the beans.
She clicks a few buttons, and a long squiggly line with sharp points pops up. “This is his or her heartbeat,” says Dr. Murphy, and moments later, the once silent room is filled with the most beautiful swishing noise I've ever heard.
Tears continue to stream down my cheeks as I am overcome with the most intense, pure happiness I have ever felt.
The room becomes silent once again as she clicks on the keyboard, andBaby Bpops up on the screen. Just like with Baby A, another strong heartbeat echoes throughout the room.
“Those are my babies?” I ask, knowing the answer, but desperately needing to hear her say the words.
A genuine smile spreads across Dr. Murphy’s face. “Those are your babies, sweetheart.”
I cover my face, my chest heaving as I overflow with emotion.
Dr. Murphy continues clicking on the screen while I try to regain control of myself.
“They look perfect, Heather. I’m just finishing up a few measurements.”
I sniffle, wiping my tears with the now wet cuffs of my hoodie. I look back at the screen, yearning to see my babies on the monitor.
“Are they healthy? Are they big enough?” I ask, wanting to know everything.
“They are perfect. Just by measurements, I would say you are about eight weeks and four days along.”
“Wow.” I can’t stop staring at the screen. Even though I have no clue what I’m looking at, the white beans are the most perfect things I’ve ever seen.
