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Ewwwwwwww. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
I mean we’ve always joked that Aunt Viv and Devin are oddly close, but I thought it was more in a babying sort of way, not an Oedipus complex way.
Thankfully—is that really the minimum to be grateful for—he turns to Bridgette.
“Baby, you make me so happy and I can’t wait for you to be part of our family. Will you marry me?”
Before Bridgette answers, Aunt Viv has her hands on Devin’s shoulders, leaning in beside him and grinning maniacally. “Yes! Say yes, and join us!”
Us? Is she talking about in matrimony or in a Stepford Wife, resistance-is-futile way? Because given Vivian’s wild eyes, I’m not sure.
Bridgette, who I’ve only met a couple of times but seems remarkablynormalto be tied up with Devin, nods happily, only having eyes for him. She reaches for Devin, wrapping her arms around his neck for a hug, but she virtually has to rip him from Vivian’s grasp.
Bridgette starts to sob into their hug, mumbling something that sounds like, “I told you I wanted you to propose when it was just the two of us.”
But Aunt Vivian wails dramatically, drowning out anything Bridgette might be saying and drawing the attention back to where it belongs—on her. Always and only, on her.
“My baby’s getting married! I know just the place and season—Mykonos in September! It’ll be so stunning. Oh, and we’ll have to get an appointment at Jacob’s, of course. He’s simply the best at bespoke suits. And the food? We’ll have to decide on which chef to hire.”
Aunt Vivian’s loud rambling tells me that she probably has a notebook already prepped and ready for Devin’s nuptials.
Everyone else’s reactions are more appropriate—clapping and cheers and congratulations coming from around the table.
As Bridgette and Devin separate and he slips the ring onto her finger, they seem truly happy. Except for the harpy that’s flitting about, bothering them.
“Let me see! I told Devin to get you a princess cut ring so we’d match.” Aunt Vivian holds up her own hand, flashing her huge engagement-wedding-anniversary ring combo. When she sees Bridgette’s ring, whose solitaire diamond is visible from here, she squeals, “Oh, it’s socute! Great job, Devin!”
With that, she pulls her son into a huge, tight hug, exclaiming, “That’s the best birthday gift you could’ve gotten me. Thank you!”
Bridgette is sitting there, shell-shocked and completely excluded from what should be a couple’s moment.
Grandpa Chuck is watching with raised brows but says nothing, Grandma Beth is smiling sweetly, and my whole family is biting their tongues to keep from laughing out loud at Vivian’s theatrics. Not that she’d care what any of us think, exactly, but she is putting on this show for us, I think. Otherwise, why would Devin do the whole proposal thing at his mother’s birthday dinner, especially if Bridgette asked him for something different?
She asked him to.
Samantha leans into me and whispers in my ear, “Forget your Dad and Kyle. I want to do an entire case study on Vivian and Devin.” As she leans back, we lock eyes and I can see the professional horror in hers. “Wow!” she mouths animatedly.
She’s absolutely right.
Realizing she’s lost our attention, Aunt Vivian snaps, both her literal fingers and her tone at Samantha, “I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your name. What was it again? Sarah? No worries, point is... you’ll have your day too. If you learn how to speak without the obscenities.” She crinkles her nose in delayed distaste at Samantha’s earlier use of the word dick. “But today is about Devin. Pay attention to what matters.”
Aunt Vivian’s being intentionally obstinate, trying to put Samantha firmly beneath her and still offended by her comment that she’s with me for sex, not money.
If I allowed myself to think about Aunt Vivian and sex in one sentence for more than a second, I’d probably come to the conclusion that, like everything else in her life, Vivian uses sex as a tool to get what she wants. She’s never considered that it might be something done for simple pleasure between two people without an ulterior motive.
And that’s enough of that thought stream, because again... Aunt Viv and sex.
Blech, and pass the brain bleach!
But Aunt Vivian’s never gone head-to-head with someone like Samantha, and I’m equal parts terrified and excited about what’s about to happen because while Vivian thinks she’s had the final word, Samantha’s pulling her thoughts together, prepping for maximum impact and effectiveness.
I think I hear Kayla whisper, “Watch this.”
To Kyle? To Cole? Who knows? But I suspect Kayla recognizes a sister-in-kind, and sees that Samantha is well-spoken, strong, and about to lay down a verbal beating the likes of which Aunt Vivian can’t even fathom.
“It’s Samantha, not that you asked before launching into a fifty-five-minute diatribe. I must say, I’m impressed with your breath control, though I doubt you put it to good use.” She shakes her head in mock sadness, and I nearly choke from trying not to laugh at what she’s implying. “And some of us are looking for more in life than a ring and our Daddy’s love. But exaggerating about your son, singing his praises in such a romanticized manner, and putting yourself in the middle of what should betheirmoment is, to put it bluntly...professionally concerning.”
“Chance!” Dad hisses, telling me to get my date under control... now, or pay the price.
