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The next day during physical combat, I found myself more distracted than usual. And my training partner, Adrya, seemed to be distracted too.
“What’s going on with you?” Rainey asked as he came by to observe us. “You’re an Elite agent and your head is in the clouds. Shapen up!”
Did he know?
I wasn’t sure. I know Master Grey said this mission was classified, but did Captain Rainey know I had a mission at all? I watched him as he moved from Adrya and I to the next group. It was no wonder girls wanted to be with him. He was fucking beautiful – the only proper way to describe him – with sharp edges on his face and a playful charm smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts.
At least I could deflect what I was going through onto Adrya. Her distraction seemed to be a little less complicated. Then again, I might be biased. When she brought up love, it was difficult for her to give me any sort of advice. I didn’t know much about it, only that I loved Dade and would do anything to get him back.
Even give up your virginity?
Even allow a Light Bringer to feed from you?
Even to give up yourself on the chance of getting him back?
When I asked myself the question in these ways, it was difficult for me to wrap my head around what was right, what I would do, and what I wouldn’t. Talking to Adrya might have helped her figure out her problem – at least, I hoped it did – but mine still seemed to be festering. And it didn’t help that the burden of Kazu-sensei’s judgment rested on my shoulder like a weight, pulling me under.
After I emerged from the locker room, I gave a cursory glance at potential options,ifI were to even consider, for a moment, doing what he suggested. Find someone to give my virginity to.
I hadn’t thought about sex in…maybe three years, since Dade had left. I hadn’t had any interest in it if it wasn’t with him. He was going to be my first. I was going to make sure of it. And yet, the more time away from Dade, the more time around other people, I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. Sex was supposed to be with the right person. I did the right thing and waited. I didn’t care about being known as a prude or inexperienced because I was doing what was right for me at the time. I was respecting my body and what I wanted and because not just anyone was going to have me in that way.
Now, I didn’t know what to think.
How could I just pick someone to spend the vulnerable time with? Kazu made it seem like it was so easy, but I knew it wasn’t. Maybe getting a guy to agree to it, sure, but the mindset to let someone in, to see me in a way none had before…
I could barely trust myself with those thoughts. How was I supposed to trust anyone else? Even if it was supposed to be meaningless, I didn’t think I could compartmentalize it. I didn’t think I could simply rationalize my way into it, and then not be affected by it afterwards. I needed to make sure, if I was going to do this, I couldn’t just pick any random person. I had to pick someone who wasn’t going to get attached, who knew I didn’t want anything to come from it but who also knew this was important. I needed someone who wouldn’t be squeamish around a nineteen year old virgin but who also didn’t feel some shot to the ego for taking my virginity. And I didn’t need someone who was going to read into it more than what it was.
Which was why Felix wasn’t an option.
Things would change between us, even if I laid the groundwork, even if he agreed to it, things would change. And I wasn’t sure I was ready to face them changing with him, especially since everything with Dade had already changed.
I lost Dade. I couldn’t lose Felix.
Somehow, I found myself in the library. My stomach rumbled, but I ignored it. I couldn’t find the energy in me to even attempt to put in effort to eat food. Instead, I perused the bookshelf and fingered the books, trying to find any information I could on Light Bringers. The problem was, no one knew much about them except from indirect stories passed around. The only way to know anything about them was to infiltrate a nest, and so far, no one had been able to do that.
Yet.
I was starting to get the feeling Master Grey wanted me to be the first person to do so, which was fine, except I had no idea what I was doing. Thanks to Kazu, I wasn’t sure that even Master Grey could prepare me. Or that he was willing to be honest with me in order to get what he wanted.
I hated Kazu-sensei in that moment. I hated that I doubted Master Grey at all.
I blew out a breath and leaned back in the wooden chair. It was getting ready to be curfew. My stomach rumbled; it sounded like thunder in the quiet environment, and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment even though I was alone. The full moon would be here soon, and I was still no closer with what I wanted to do in regards to my virginity.
I decided to figure it out logically since my feelings were all over the place and difficult to settle down. I grabbed a notebook and pen from my bag and drew a line down the middle. Over in the left column, I wrote PROS and in the right column, I wrote CONS. I definitely didn’t label it, in case it fell into someone’s hands, but I began to fill it out based on whether I felt it was better for me to lose my virginity before the mission or not.
This was the most ridiculous list I had ever made – and I made a lot of lists. I loved lists. But there were times I couldn’t scratch the words out onto the paper because of silliness, shame, or disbelief.
Was I really contemplating who I should give my virginity to, if I should give it to someone at all?
I didn’t know. All I knew was that I was here, writing this stupid list, and with each point I made, dread started to fill me up.
Because Kazu-sensei was right.
I needed to figure out how I was going to do this.
If what people said was true, and the Light Bringers were ruthless, cold beings who fed on the living to sustain their magic, who were brutal and violent, I needed to choose to give my virginity to someone so the act of allowing such things to happen to me wouldn’t traumatize me as much. Perhaps there was no linear degree of trauma. Perhaps I was being naive. But this small bit of control I had over myself seemed to be enough to convince me.
I set down my pen and picked up the list.
