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“Why do you care?” I asked.
“Why not?” he shot back. “Kazu is a friend, and seeing one of his students —“
“I’m not his student,” I said. I bunched my legs together tightly, trying to maintain the semblance of control I liked to think I had over myself.
“Of course.” He acknowledged my interruption with a slight nod. “Seeing one of hisformerstudents and current squad members publicly seek help with a very specific problem is concerning, especially when you proposition a tavern full of drunk strangers.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He wasn’t wrong. But Kazu had already ripped into me about how I handled the situation. I didn’t need another lecture, especially not from someone who didn’t know me all that well.
I glanced away. My hand shot up and grabbed my fork. Any concern about fidgeting in front of him went out the window. My stomach growled — whether because my hunger was making an inopportune reappearance or because it was trying to distract me, I didn’t know. I began to scoop up some mashed potatoes on it, trying to figure out how I would respond to him.
“Does this have anything to do with a mission you might be assigned to?”
I wanted to school my features, to control my face, so I appeared way cooler than I already was. But the second I looked at him, he knew. I could tell he already knew the answer to his question simply because I was so terrible at keeping my face neutral.
“Hmm.” He leaned back slightly, lifting up the same hand that had cradled his chin before to tap on it now.
Hmm.
That was his response to his own question?
What the hell?
“You’re not the first person to have had this problem,” he said, lowering his voice more than it already was. He leaned forward again, hands flat on the table, fingers laced, shoulders slightly hunched up. “In fact, there are plenty of other women that have been in your predicament. I’m not judging you.”
I didn’t know why, but his words caused relief to sweep over me like a cool summer breeze.
“Maybe I could see if one or two of them will talk to you,” he continued.
“What do you mean?” I asked. I set my fork down without feeding myself the mashed potatoes. The agitation I felt before had dissipated; now, the conversation engaged me in a way I hadn’t expected.
“Sometimes, it’s nice to hear what other people experienced,” he explained. “Whether it’s because there’s something comforting in knowing you’re not alone or to have the opportunity to speak to others who have been in your shoes, it might benefit you to get your concern off your chest with someone other than, let’s say, me. Or Kazu.” He cracked his charming smile, probably the most dangerous weapon he possessed. “Would that be of interest to you?”
I cleared my throat. For some reason, it had gone dry.
“Would they be willing to talk to me?” I asked, my hands in my lap once more. “Kazu mentioned talking to Kayleigh Barnes.”
“I can’t promise anything,” he said. “I’m sure you know how precious secrecy and identities are in our world. But I can always ask.”
“You know who they are?” I replied, curious rather than doubtful.
“A couple,” he said. “Not all of the them for obvious reasons. But I’ve heard of women in your…predicament. I assumed that was part of the past, but apparently not.”
I pressed my lips together. I couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like he knew about the Scarlet mission. Maybe he didn’t know what my specific duty was, what the mission required of me, but after my outburst at the tavern, it was easy for him to put two and two together. Had I really been that obvious? Had other people figured it out too? Maybe that was why Kazu was so frustrated with me. And, if that was the case, how could I blame him?
“Would you like me to ask them to talk to you?” he asked.
I nodded before I realized what I was doing.
“Okay,” he said. A beat passed between us and he rolled his shoulders back slightly. “You never answered my question, though. Is this something you still need assistance with?”
The question seemed genuinely curious, and yet, every part of my body seized up at the prospect of answering honestly. There was some kind of bridge I wasn’t sure I was ready to cross just yet, if I was able to cross it at all. Rocky seemed like a good guy. He cared about me probably more than Kazu-sensei. Hell, he probably wouldn’t have ignored me the majority of time I had to spend with him. But I wasn’t sure if sex with him was the right call.
Or maybe that was Kazu taking up residence in my head.
Again.
“I don’t want you to think I’m putting any pressure on you to answer one way or the other,” he said. “Quite frankly, it’s none of my business, and I understand that. I also know that if, after you talk to the other women, this is still something you want taken care of, I’m happy to help assist you with that as well. I’m also happy to help you find someone who might be a better fit for you if my age or status makes you uncomfortable in any way.”
