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“Atticus would just keep me for himself,” I whispered before turning to look out the windshield, a torrent of emotions coursing through me. “You know what I hate most about the castle, Leo? It isn’t the trauma of my past or even the memories. It’s feeling out of control of my own life. August wants me to be his wife. Atticus wants me to be his, and you—” I stopped to twist in my seat and look at Leo. He had this tortured expression that made my chest ache. “You want me to leave. No one ever asks what I want. King Frederick certainly didn’t ask when he sold me off to Lord Geralt. Everyone wants to use me, control me, own me.”
“What else do you want?” he asked so softly that I almost didn’t hear him.
“I want to have autonomy over my own decisions and future. You think I don’t know how much danger I’m in? You think I don’t recognize that I’m playing with fire? Tempting Atticus when I know it would start a war if I truly gave him all of me.”
“And you don’t think you’re playing with me?” Leo asked, his heartbreaking tone sending pain searing through my chest. “I’m nothing. Nobody. Not a king. Not a fucking crime lord. Just a man in love with a queen and torn up with the knowledge that the only protection I can offer her is getting her as far away from the Crown as possible.”
“Leo,” I breathed, shocked by his admission. I’d thought the only thing Leo saw when he looked at me was responsibility and guilt. But the love shining in his gaze cracked my heart wide open and filled it with venom.
A palm slapping the window made both of us jump, destroying the tender moment. I cleared my throat and turned to look at the police officer, who was motioning us to get moving.
I put the car in drive and headed to his mother’s flat, feeling unsure about everything. I was playing a deadly game. Clinging to Leo, seeking comfort from Atticus, and stringing August along. I was a cruel woman tempting fate and risking all of our happiness for what? My own indecision.
I was kissing Atticus. Fucking August. Risking Leo’s happiness and taunting him with the tension simmering between us.
It was time for me to come to terms with my job. I was the future queen, and running from it wasn’t going to change anything.
I pulled up in front of the building with tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’m going back to the castle,” I whispered.
Leo snapped his head to me. “What? We just got here. My mom wants to—”
“You’re right,” I replied. “I don’t know what I’m doing here. It’s…cruel. And I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have.”
“Christine. You haven’t…it’s not like…I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have—”
“I’ll go right back to the castle. Enjoy your time with your family, Leo. If I hurry, I can make it to the ribbon-cutting ceremony.”
He hovered for a moment, his mouth opening and closing, as if trying to figure out what to say. “Christine…”
“Please go.”
He sighed and lingered. Indecision like a war waged across his expression.
And when he got out of the car, I broke. Tears streamed down my face, and I caught sight of the angry blotches of skin on my cheeks. I was so twisted up in regret I could barely see the road ahead of me. I felt like I was driving away from part of myself, the girl that overcame. The playful idea that I could escape my trauma. It was devastating.
Atticus was wrong about one thing, though. Leo never kissed me.
And from this day forward, I vowed never to kiss my monster again, too.
Chapter Nineteen
AUGUST
I watched Christine from a distance, noting how her smile didn’t quite meet her eyes. She looked picture-perfect, wearing a gown worth more than a mortgage payment for some of the members of my kingdom. Her hair was styled, her makeup—flawless. There wasn’t a hair on her head unkempt, and I wanted to tangle my fingers in those blonde locks and pull it while I fucked her from behind.
But there was something off about her I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Ever since she disappeared for a couple of hours with Leo, she seemed distant. Vacant, almost. Like the castle was bleeding her dry and leaving nothing behind but an empty shell.
Over the last few days, I tried to grab her hand and tease her, doing everything I could to make her smile. At night, I snuck into her bedroom and held her close, cuddling her sweet body against me while kissing her soft skin. We had our bogus brunch in the gardens, but it all felt fake.
I hated it.
Something was definitely wrong with her, and I couldn’t help but worry that it was something I did. That it was this castle. That it was this kingdom.
That it was our time together.
Fuck, I couldn’t get the feel of her body clenching around mine out of my head. She felt perfect. Soft and demanding. We fit together so effortlessly that I lived in a perpetual state of arousal just daydreaming about it.
And because I was a selfish asshole, I couldn’t let her go.
