Page 55 of N is for…


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“If that had happened, I’d probably still be with him.”

“So what did he do?”

“He looked at me, said ‘oh, I see’ in this sort of irritating demeaning way, though I don’t think he meant it like that. Then he decided to go turn off all the lights, make sure his cat was inside, brush his teeth…basically get ready for bed. I mean he was doing it quicker than normal, but I just…I felt sostupid.”

“I’m so sorry, lover.” He rubbed his lips against her hair.

“It’s dumb, because I mean, getting ready for bed made sense, right?”

“No. Getting ready for bed is what you do on a normal night. You were very clearly signaling that you wanted something different on that particular night. You were changing it up, and he should have done the same.”

“That’s…that’s a really good point.” Autumn sat up straight, eyes narrowed though she was staring into middle distance. “Itwasn’ttoo much to expect him to get with it and feed the cat after he fucked me.”

“Perfectly reasonable.” He slid his fingers through her hair, gently massaging her scalp. “You needed something that night, and he didn’t take care of you.”

“He tried. I mean I know he tried. He went for the toy box, but then couldn’t find the lube, stopped and asked if he could use a bottle of massage oil that was in there. I said sure, but he googled to check. I offered to give him head to get us started, which worked, but then when I was in position for a spanking I look over and his dick had gone soft. I was…I was a chore to him.”

Her voice was tight, and she was blinking fast. Daniel kissed her shoulder, fighting the urge to turn her over his knee so that when he was done she’d get to see exactly how hard spanking her made him.

“It wasn’t…malicious. He just wasn’t into it. And he tried, but the fact that he so clearly didn’t enjoy it was…” She looked at him, smiling tentatively. “It was so hot when I could tell that you were into it. That you were having to fight to control yourself.”

“How could I not? You’re delicious.” He touched her skin with the tip of his tongue.

Her eyes were bright, her breathing uneven.

“Tell me about the other one,” he murmured.

She jumped, as if he’d shocked her. He considered saying she didn’t have to, that it didn’t matter, but he knew it did. And if he was going to be her lover, her top, he needed to know.

“The second time I tried, it was with a guy who was more naturally dominant. Decisive, aggressive even, though in a take-charge kind of way, not the start-a-bar fight style aggression.”

“Let me guess, he’s the one who called you a slut.”

“He liked ‘dirty talk’.” Her lips twisted in a grimace. “He was into the D/s, but when I tried to explain I didn’t have a degradation kink, that I didn’t like being called those names, he said that they worked for him. Helped him get in the mood.”

“Did you set a hard limit for no name-calling?”

“No, because…because I was scared if I did that he wouldn’t want to do it at all.”

“You were willing to take what you could get, even if it hurt you.”

“Yes. For a while. I left when…when he started expecting me to be submissive all the time. Ordered me to kneel while we watched TV. Expected me to answer with a ‘Yes, Master’ when we were out in public. He bought me a day collar—a very ugly necklace. When I asked if he was fucking joking, he got pissed.”

“And that’s how you developed a disdain for people like Master Carter and Pet.”

“Pretty much. After that I gave up on BDSM. At least until I started making serious money. Then I found out about, and joined, Las Palmas.”

She seemed to sink into herself a little after that, but it felt more like it was due to relaxation than a protective physical retreat.

“That’s quite the origin story,” he said.

“I’ve never told anyone those things. I mean my girlfriends know a little bit, but they don’t know it all. They don’t know about Las Palmas either. They think this is some boring club for finance people.”

“Is that what you do? Finance stuff?”

She looked at him, then quickly looked away. “I…I don’t share that with people here. What I do.”

That hurt. It shouldn’t, because most people didn’t talk about their jobs at the club. Many used fake names as an added layer of protection.

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