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My head shook as I stared at him. “You…”
He took a cautious step forward. “I love you. And from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. I feel fucking stupid apologizing, because no words come close to expressing how sorry I am. But they’re all I have.”
My lip quivered and I did my best to keep it still as turmoil churned through every muscle. I wanted to close the distance, wanted so badly to fall into him, be consumed by him. There was a sincerity in his eyes that looked so real, so genuine. But…
“Tell me everything.”
He paused, his tongue running across his lips, brows turned up. “I can’t yet.” I didn’t like that answer, and he could tell. My arms crossed as I watched him. His voice grew quiet as he looked down at me. “But it’ll make sense one day. I’m sorry, Petra.”
I didn’t push it. What was the point? How could I know this wasn’t another lie? That eventhiswasn’t a part of Castemont’s master plan? That thesetruthshe hinted at were not the cracks that broke Castemont’s plans apart, but braces keeping the whole thing together?
I took a silent breath, willing my lungs to expand as if the action could pin my resolve in place and keep it from slipping away. “No.”
His face flashed with confusion in the moonlight. “No?”
“No,” I repeated, steadying my feet in the dirt, pretending it would give me strength. I clenched my jaw against the tears that once again threatened to surface. “I don’t believe you. I can’t believe you. I don’t accept your apology, and I can’t forgive you.”
His chest fell with a pained exhale as his mind silently worked over my words. “I understand, but please know–”
“You don’t know what it was like,” I cut in, my voice sharp and biting. “You don’t. Do you know what it did to me when he told me youdied?Do you know how many nights, no,years, I prayed that the Saints would take me too so I could be with you again? You came out of nowhere and changed everything for me, and then you were gone. You don’t understand, Belin.”
The foreign sound of his name on my tongue struck something within him. I’d never said it out loud before now. He’d been Calomyr. Cal. I watched the name hit, absorb into his skin, rattle around inside him. He opened his mouth for a brief moment, searching for something to say but coming up short. “I want to explain why, but I can’t,” he repeated. “I can’t risk it. I can’t risk your safety.”
My scoff was loud enough to echo off the trees. “Okay, Belin.”
He chewed his lower lip, unspoken words hanging between us, the air turning stale. I squeezed my arms tight across my chest, a feeble attempt to comfort myself. “We need to get back to camp,” I murmured, my gaze breaking painfully away from the broken man in front of me as I pushed past him.
“I’ll explain as soon as I can,” he said to my back as I left him standing there. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do to prove that I’m sorry.”
I almost faltered in my steps at his words, but I trudged forward.Don’t,I told myself.You are a queen. You can’t concern yourself with this game. He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. He doesn’t deserve a moment more of your time.
“I don’t want your forgiveness,” he called after me as if in answer to my thoughts. A tear escaped my eye and rolled to the corner of my mouth, the salty taste of yearning and regret spreading across my tongue. “But I want you to know that you are my reason for every breath. You are my reason to be here, my reason to fight, my reason to keep fighting. Unceasingly you, Petra.”
Chapter 35
I awoke to the sound of something like gravel, something jostling and chattering–
“Miles,” I breathed, sitting up straight and scrambling away from where I had been curled up on the opposite side of the fire from Belin. Miles’ figure was still turned on his side, arms wrapped around himself. The sun had just begun to rise, the forest gilded in pinks and golds that set his black hair alight.
Before I had even reached him I could see that he was shaking, the arrow fragment sticking menacingly from his back. I pulled the hair from his face, his skin slick with sweat as his teeth rattled against each other. “Miles, are you okay?” I didn’t even know why I asked. I knew the answer. His breathing was labored, his eyes squeezed shut in agony.
Belin shot up then, his eyes instantly clear and alert as he moved closer and pulled Miles forward. “The wound is infected. He needs a healernow.”
We propped him up, the sun hitting a face that was gaunt and gray.No.
“We’re half a day from Taitha,” Belin said through gritted teeth as he hoisted his brother atop the awaiting horse. “I just got you back. I’m not going to lose you again.”
I stayed silent as I climbed atop the horse in front of Miles, letting him lean against me. He didn’t smell like oakmoss anymore — he smelled like death. His weight was no longer reassuring at my back but a rising pressure to save him.You owe him nothing, I reminded myself. That was true, but I couldn’t let him die. Not like this.
“Just follow the trail. I’ll be right behind you,” Belin said, handing me the reins and slapping the horse on its flank. The animal broke into a gallop, the air hissing through Miles’ teeth with every strike of hoof against dirt.
I kept my eyes ahead, letting hope bloom in my chest like my flames, letting it grow bigger, telling myself that Miles was going to be okay. Then the idea hit me.
“Katia,” I whispered to myself. If Miles had heard me, he made no comment. “Katia, I don’t know if you’re listening.” I felt awkward, unsure of what to say. “We need help. I don’t know what you can do, but please, do something.Please.” I looked into the clear morning sky, no sign of any Saint, Benevolent or Blood. “You can’t let him die. We need him. Can you heal him? Is that something you can do?” I spoke into the air, trying to discern if I heard an answer in the hoofbeats or the birdsong. “Or just keep him safe until we can get to a healer. Please, whatever you can do.” I didn’t know what elseIcould do. “It’s me, Petra, by the way. Your daughter,” I threw in for good measure. Maybe she didn’t know my voice.
“Thanks,” Miles whimpered from behind me. His voice was weak, and his weight grew greater against my back with every passing second.
“You’re going to be okay.”
