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“Can you explain it?” Caleb asked. It probably wasn’t what they needed to talk about, but it was distracting from the Coffee Shop Shit Show—which was going to be the official name of what was happening. “Is it an autism thing?” He knew it was a guess, but since he’d said stimming, Caleb felt safe in assuming.
Bodhi’s smile went a little soft and sweet before his expression went troubled again. “No. Maybe,” he amended. There was still a small tremble to his hands the same way there was when he signed at the café. “My freshman year, some people started taking videos of me and my brother in the commons when we were practicing. And I told myself not to worry about it, but once it got in my head, all I could think about was…” He trailed off and Caleb sighed.
“All the people watching?”
Bodhi nodded, looking miserable. “It’s just kind of how my brain works. It hyper-fixates,” he spelled. “When I saw what happened the other night with Cameron…”
Caleb squeezed his eyes shut, needing a moment. Seeing Cameron’s name on Bodhi’s hands felt like the strangest gut-punch. “Trigger.”
Bodhi nodded, biting his lip so hard, Caleb was almost afraid he was going to break the skin. After a beat, something in him snapped and he reached forward, gently pressing his thumb to Bodhi’s chin until his teeth loosened and his lip released. It was slightly plump and a little shiny, and Caleb felt a heat in him that had been absent for so damn long.
He sat back quickly, wanting to slap himself, but he’d always been an overly touchy person. More than what was usual for someone Deaf. “Sorry.”
Bodhi blinked like he was coming out of a daze, then he quickly shook his head and tapped his thumb on his chest. “It’s fine.Fine. Fine.Finefinefinefine.” He wrenched his fingers away from his chest like he’d been unable to stop the repeating sign and dropped them to the table, dancing them in a rhythm before he quickly tucked them out of sight.
Caleb took a fortifying breath. “So, you know about the video?”
Bodhi flinched as he brought his hands up again. “I saw it. I’m sorry. This woman in my history class chased me down the hallway and asked me what you both were saying.”
Caleb’s eyes went wide, and his face went a little numb. “Youinterpretedthe video?”
Bodhi’s whole body jolted, and he looked horrified. “No! Never! She’s never tried to speak to me before, and I didn’t know what she wanted before she showed it to me.”
Caleb swallowed against the lump in his throat that was now his constant companion. He fiddled with his drink just to give his fingers something to do while he gathered his thoughts. “Was she pretty?” Fuck. Why did he ask that? What thehellwas going on with him?
It felt like he was slipping into some sort of breakup grief-psychosis, if that was even a thing.
Bodhi looked confused as he lifted one hand. “Not after she askedthat.”
Caleb let out a laugh that felt sharp against the sides of his tongue. He lifted his hands in surrender before circling his fist over his chest. “Sorry.”
Bodhi’s lips twitched in a little smile. “It’s fine. Anyway, I don’t like women, so I’m not the best judge.”
The heat in his chest got a little worse. It was definitely grief because he should not react to Bodhi’s confession at all, damn it. But he felt another spark join the blaze in his chest and he breathed through it. “I appreciate you standing up for me.”
He dropped his hands to the table, feeling a sudden ache all over like he had a fever, and it took him a second to realize he’d been holding tension in his entire body. He was going to pay for it tomorrow.
“What can I do?” Bodhi asked.
Caleb blinked, his head so fuzzy it took him a second to process Bodhi’s slower signs. “Nothing. Unless you know the gods of the internet who can make the video disappear forever, I think we just have to ride it out.”
Bodhi nodded, looking miserable, and Caleb felt both grateful for people on his side, and a little angry because he was suffering this alone. It didn’t matter how sorry everyone was. The damage was done. He was a public fucking spectacle because his ex was an exhibitionist asshole and he wanted to go out with a bang.
Fuck. He should just let Wren beat the shit out of him. It might not make things better, but he’d get a little satisfaction in knowing Cameron was suffering in some way.
He glanced up at Bodhi who was biting his lip again, his fingers moving along the table before he followed Caleb’s line of sight and quickly stilled them. Caleb felt a surge of guilt and lifted his hands to tell Bodhi that he could stim all he wanted, but Bodhi interrupted him before he could start.
“Would it help if you could hire another person or two? To help with the crowds? My brother would probably be able to fit in some extra hours.”
Caleb scoffed. He didn’t mean to, but he was just tired and where he’d been trying to cushion his Deaf bluntness with Bodhi while he learned the culture, he was losing his grip on self-control. “Thanks for the offer, but the last thing in the world I need right now is some ASL newbie who needs me to hold their hand through toddler signs.”
Bodhi’s cheeks immediately darkened and hurt flashed over his features. He wasn’t normally very expressive, so seeing it so clearly was almost like a slap to the face. But Caleb couldn’t take it back. Not when it was the truth.
One Bodhi was bad enough.
“He’s not like me,” Bodhi signed, his hands shaking. “You’d like him. He’s perfect.” Then, without warning, he was on his feet and hurrying out of the shop like his heels were on fire.
Yet again, he’d fucked up without really meaning to. And yet again, he was just too shredded to care. He’d eventually find the strength to apologize, but for now, laying his forehead on the edge of the table and soaking in the coolness of the polished wood was the only thing he was capable of doing.
